My story- I want to kill myself because I don't size up

[bipolaremerald]

I'm 23 years old. My parents involuntarily put me in a psych ward multiple times for psychosis when I was 19-22. I was raped 3 times. I'm treated like shit by everyone. I'm hurt by my family. There's no way to put this lightly, but I'm super bl*ckpilled about my life (censoring the word in case its not allowed). I'm ugly and I just don't size up. I can't compete in the game of life. It feels rigged. The winners are chosen from the beginning and I've been subjected to a fate worse than death. A constant humiliation ritual of mental illness in combination with being the ugly, weirdo who nobody likes.

For example, today someone I was chatting with told me I "looked disgusting" and was "not smart". It's never ending humiliation and abuse. I could write a novel of similar instances that happened to me. I've had paranormal experiences but they don't really make me have any sort of faith in a good God. If anything, my paranormal experiences give me faith in the power of an evil God.

The Bible says people will be unequal, so do most religions, but how does God choose who goes to heaven or hell if everything is predetermined? or, since people are unequal how do they get a fair trial? (assuming free will is real)

I don't understand the world.

 

[Wolf Girl]

"Pretty" privilege exists. I know because of seeing the difference in how I am treated when I'm at a lower weight vs when I was obese. It's so different. And that's sad. It's even worse when the things they shame you for are totally unchangeable. It fuckin sucks.

 

[madwoman]

I'm sorry for what you are going through. My insecurities also make me hate myself and feel miserable about my life. Also have bipolar and had a significant psychotic episode and ended up in a psych ward too, it sucks battling mental illness. You aren't alone

 

[vampire2002]

i find this very relatable. i struggle with body dysmorphia and an eating disorder i am trying to recover from. i was also sexually assaulted by several different people from a young age and grew up in an abusive household. while i am in a better situation now than i was before, i still am absolutely crippled by my mental illness. it seems like people still view me as a burden and lazy no matter how hard i try. people don't seem to understand the toll trauma can take on you or how differently individual people react to it. and it is all so so terribly unfair. i don't think i did anything so bad as to deserve my lot in life. i was just unlucky. i do agree that if there is a god, which i'm highly skeptical of, they are one sadistic mfer.

 

[monkeysee2]

I relate 100%. I feel constantly embarassed about my poor mental health and being judged by my peers. I have shit physical health as well as being made ugly. I really feel like God just made me to kill myself.