Story My story and why I want to go.

[WorthlessTrash]

Hello, everyone.

I am new to this site and I am not sure where to post my personal reasons for why I am here, so if I posted it in the wrong section, I apologize. With that out of the way, allow me to begin. I have severe gender dysphoria that has been festering for the past 18ish years (I am now around the 30 year age). The gender dysphoria really hit me in may of next year where one day I just woke up and felt completely unmotivated to do anything, including care for myself. I subsequently stopped exercising (for a period of time I was almost down to 200 LBS. Today I am around the 300 LBS mark). I went to see a therapist despite knowing full well that he couldn't help me and he would only be able to suggest things I could just find online. To be specific, I am AMAB. I tend to get very jealous of attractive women, either in social media, irl or on tv. I desperately wanted to be AFAB and I just don't want to do anything since I am not. I have no drive or motivation to live. It just makes me so sad inside that I lost the 50/50 at birth.

I basically spend my days sleeping most hours of the day, eating out of boredom or listening to music. My therapist has suggested a multitude of things such as cross dressing, getting feminine face surgery, attending LGBTQ meetings and/or transitioning, but none of that would help. My issue is I am not a cis-female. Transitioning wouldn't work because testosterone has fucked my body up so bad that I would never pass to myself or society and I would still be reminded of my AGAB. It would also be a costly 5-7 year process to fully transition (socially and physically) and I just don't have that much in me (plus I have no desire to transition for the previous reasons). The other suggestions he made won't help because the ultimate issue is I am not a cis-female. I just don't want to exist in a life I can't be what I want to be. I didn't ask to be born so I don't think I should be forced to continue living, especially when I am refusing to be productive in society.

My ideal escape plan is to use SN. The issue is I don't know how to dispose of the rest without being suspicious. I have yet to order any, but I am wondering where I could get some? I would probably mix it with a drink like snapple or something and go a secluded field in my town at like 2 am and take it there and drift off while listening to my favorite music. That way it is extremely unlikely for anyone to find and try to "save" me. This life is meaningless to me. Not even my hobbies can distract me and I don't look forward to anything anymore.

Thanks for reading, and if anyone has any questions, I'll answer.

 

[Shu]

Hi. Welcome to SaSu. ♡

 

[stoiccactus]

I went through some difficult gender/trans challenging moments and came out the other side okay with not transitioning. The best thing I did was leave online trans communities (reddit, discords, etc); they're just unrealistic and selling you a product that is not real. Youre not exposed to people in those communities who *didn't* transition and came out ok.

Being jealous of women and wanting to be a woman is a valid emotion but what underlies that? Why are you jealous? Is it an escape from pressures of being male? Desire for male attention? Something else?

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I went through some difficult gender/trans challenging moments and came out the other side okay with not transitioning. The best thing I did was leave online trans communities (reddit, discords, etc); they're just unrealistic and selling you a product that is not real. Youre not exposed to people in those communities who *didn't* transition and came out ok.

Being jealous of women and wanting to be a woman is a valid emotion but what underlies that? Why are you jealous? Is it an escape from pressures of being male? Desire for male attention? Something else?

I view women as attractive and I myself would like to be such. I do not consider men attractive and I just find the male body gross. Not to mention, attractive women seem to just have it better with the unfortunate trade off as having to encounter creeps. I wouldn't mind being an attractive woman in gaming (I am already a gamer, just the wrong sex) or even be a model. I know there are men who are models, but the point remains that I just don't like being a guy.

Not to mention, that some men are "ill-equipped" and have to deal with that along sexual impotency. There's also the issue that men can be viewed as creepy. It's a combination of looks and social issues. Being a male is also really boring to me. I just hate being masculine. I apologize if my reasoning is all over the place, but I'd rather be dead than be AMAB and that is a hill I will die on (pun intended).

I'm honestly just trying to find a painless and not so scary suicide method or to find some SN that's easy to come by so I don't have to live this dreadful life anymore.

 

[bing]

Sorry for your mental illness.

Good luck in whatever you do.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering. It must be unbearable being in that situation. I hope you find relief from your pain, I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[stoiccactus]

I view women as attractive and I myself would like to be such. I do not consider men attractive and I just find the male body gross. Not to mention, attractive women seem to just have it better with the unfortunate trade off as having to encounter creeps. I wouldn't mind being an attractive woman in gaming (I am already a gamer, just the wrong sex) or even be a model. I know there are men who are models, but the point remains that I just don't like being a guy.

Not to mention, that some men are "ill-equipped" and have to deal with that along sexual impotency. There's also the issue that men can be viewed as creepy. It's a combination of looks and social issues. Being a male is also really boring to me. I just hate being masculine. I apologize if my reasoning is all over the place, but I'd rather be dead than be AMAB and that is a hill I will die on (pun intended).

I'm honestly just trying to find a painless and not so scary suicide method or to find some SN that's easy to come by so I don't have to live this dreadful life anymore.

Not trying to argue with you, friend.

Good luck whatever you choose.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Thanks everyone for reading my Ted (Dead?) talk. I appreciate people not bombarding me with platitudes and telling me that my situation can be fixed with therapy or transitioning (unlike the suicide subreddits). I truly wish I did not reach this point.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Let me ask you this.............do you think that, maybe, a fully-transitioned, MTF therapist might be able to help you? I'm not asking to try and talk you out off whatever you feel is right for you. Just positing the question.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Let me ask you this.............do you think that, maybe, a fully-transitioned, MTF therapist might be able to help you? I'm not asking to try and talk you out off whatever you feel is right for you. Just positing the question.

Honestly, I don't want to be gaslit by them into choosing a mediocre alternative to suicide. It would not solve the problem of me not being cis, not passing as cis after 5-7 years of transitioning, etc.

I wanted to have been born and raised as a female. Unfortunately, I lost the 50/50 at birth. Besides, I do not believe there is anything they can suggest that I cannot already find through somewhere on reddit for instance.

I'll be honest, I never really thought much of therapy. Pretty much anything a therapist could suggest or any coping mechanism you can be taught by them, one can probably find through a google search. Just seems like a waste of time and money, tbh.

I'm pretty much set in my determination that suicide is my answer, tbh.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Honestly, I don't want to be gaslit by them into choosing a mediocre alternative to suicide. It would not solve the problem of me not being cis, not passing as cis after 5-7 years of transitioning, etc.

I can understand how that could happen, and may even be likely, with a transitioned MTF therapist. But, that is what they are supposed to be doing........trying to get you to a better place for you. And I understand for you that not being cis F is at the root of the turmoil you feel in your life. And I certainly can't brush aside your concerns of not passing by offering some type of "platitude" remark about that, so I won't. Only you can know how you feel about that.

I wanted to have been born and raised as a female. Unfortunately, I lost the 50/50 at birth. Besides, I do not believe there is anything they can suggest that I cannot already find through somewhere on reddit for instance.

I agree, you can, probably, find anything that any therapist might offer you on reddit, and a host of other places online. Maybe, there could be an exception to that if you were to find a transitioned MTF therapist, who, like yourself, after transitioning, would be considered as "non-passing" also. Who makes that determination, though? They? Whoever they are? It may, it may not, allow you to see that "passing" may not be the most important element in transitioning. or, maybe what it takes to get to that realization or belief. I'm not trying to diminish your feelings about that. You feel what you feel. I'm just trying to say, in a much too clumsy way, that it could be possible, may be possible, may be not, for you to see, and interact, with someone who made it to that point, who does not "pass" (which is very subjective, I think), and who has made it to the other side, so to speak, and accepts themselves how they are. I do think, though, that whether we are born M or F is determined WAY BACK at the beginning of it all. Way back when the egg and the sperm first get together. Blame your dad for your male gender. No, just kidding. Really. Just kidding about that. Don't blame anyone. The sperm certainly controls what cis gender you are at birth, but has not control over the gender you know yourself to be. I know that was another clumsy way of trying to say something. Sorry about that, too.

I'll be honest, I never really thought much of therapy. Pretty much anything a therapist could suggest or any coping mechanism you can be taught by them, one can probably find through a google search. Just seems like a waste of time and money, tbh.

It may end up being just that.

I'm pretty much set in my determination that suicide is my answer, tbh.

Only you know what is right for you.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I can understand how that could happen, and may even be likely, with a transitioned MTF therapist. But, that is what they are supposed to be doing........trying to get you to a better place for you. And I understand for you that not being cis F is at the root of the turmoil you feel in your life. And I certainly can't brush aside your concerns of not passing by offering some type of "platitude" remark about that, so I won't. Only you can know how you feel about that.


I agree, you can, probably, find anything that any therapist might offer you on reddit, and a host of other places online. Maybe, there could be an exception to that if you were to find a transitioned MTF therapist, who, like yourself, after transitioning, would be considered as "non-passing" also. Who makes that determination, though? They? Whoever they are? It may, it may not, allow you to see that "passing" may not be the most important element in transitioning. or, maybe what it takes to get to that realization or belief. I'm not trying to diminish your feelings about that. You feel what you feel. I'm just trying to say, in a much too clumsy way, that it could be possible, may be possible, may be not, for you to see, and interact, with someone who made it to that point, who does not "pass" (which is very subjective, I think), and who has made it to the other side, so to speak, and accepts themselves how they are. I do think, though, that whether we are born M or F is determined WAY BACK at the beginning of it all. Way back when the egg and the sperm first get together. Blame your dad for your male gender. No, just kidding. Really. Just kidding about that. Don't blame anyone. The sperm certainly controls what cis gender you are at birth, but has not control over the gender you know yourself to be. I know that was another clumsy way of trying to say something. Sorry about that, too.


It may end up being just that.


Only you know what is right for you.

I appreciate you not trying to pressure me into doing something I do not feel is right, and I'll address all of your points that I have an answer for. I hope you will not consider this combative, as I just see this as a healthy conversation for you to see it from my point of view :)

1. I do not believe transitioning would get me to a better place. It would take 5-7 years and so much money just to fully transition (socially and aesthetically), and there is not even a guarantee I will feel much better, if at all at the end of it. I have to weigh the pros and cons of remaining living, even while transitioned and I honestly have determined that the cons still outweigh the pros.

2. "Passing" isn't just about to other people, but rather myself. I want to be able to look in the mirror and not even see someone who was once a "male". I want society to not be able to "clock" me as trans ever and to fully be seen as Cis. See, I just hate looking like and being male and sadly testosterone has riddled my body to the point where I will always have remnants of the male sex, so even if I was to transition, I more than likely wouldn't be able to see myself as the sex I want to be. I'd know full well that I am not. I guess I should call it sex dysphoria rather than gender dysphoria though, since I feel like I am cis-male and hate it. Then again, I am one who believes that gender and sex are relatively the same thing, which most of the LGBTQ community would disagree with me about.

There is once again the issue that I would have to be on hormones for the rest of my life too to combat the the effects of testosterone, and I really don't want to be on meds for the rest of my life, when the chances of transitioning paying off aren't likely. I feel it would be easier just to take my own life and to spare myself 5+ more years of this pain. I don't have 5 more years of this left in me. I think of it like getting treatment for cancer. Basically, if I was diagnosed with cancer, I would leave it untreated because going through all of the pain with treatments just to remain in a life I hate is just not worth it, imo.

 

[Niko66]

I can relate to a lot of the things you say and the negative feelings around men and male bodies including myself and my own.
I found a little relief in thinking of myself as a person first and foremost, basically non binary, saying fuck to being defined by your body or looks as I realized I don't really feel male or female, but I also wished and wish still I guess I was AFAB instead of AMAB.
Not saying this would work for you or such, just that I relate a little bit bit to what you are going through, I am still barely figuring out my dysphoria if I even live long enough to and I know it doesn't change the world's views either, but it did give me a little bit of peace at least when it comes to this topic, cuz I still just want to experience no more pain...

I know that's essentially out of our control but for me it also helped having a friend albeit long distance that treated me the way I wished to be treated IE a person, not to be prejudged by their gender.
The way trans people are treated still hurts a lot, I wish there were better options and a more mature society, I can understand not wanting to exist in this way.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I can relate to a lot of the things you say and the negative feelings around men and male bodies including myself and my own.
I found a little relief in thinking of myself as a person first and foremost, basically non binary, saying fuck to being defined by your body or looks as I realized I don't really feel male or female, but I also wished and wish still I guess I was AFAB instead of AMAB.
Not saying this would work for you or such, just that I relate a little bit bit to what you are going through, I am still barely figuring out my dysphoria if I even live long enough to and I know it doesn't change the world's views either, but it did give me a little bit of peace at least when it comes to this topic, cuz I still just want to experience no more pain...

I know that's essentially out of our control but for me it also helped having a friend albeit long distance that treated me the way I wished to be treated IE a person, not to be prejudged by their gender.
The way trans people are treated still hurts a lot, I wish there were better options and a more mature society, I can understand not wanting to exist in this way.

I appreciate the sentiment and I have glad you found some relief. If it helps, it helps you. A big thing for me doesn't come from the relief but body positivity. I just don't think I can be positive about myself in this body regardless of the labels I am giving. It feels like that if people refer to me as a "she", that I am a fraud because I will look in the mirror and just see the male body. I want to be born as a female and raised as one, but sadly that hasn't been the cards I was dealt. I actually don't even know if what I am experiencing is "Gender dysphoria". I think if I was to give myself a term for this, it'd be "sex dysphoria" because I feel cis-male, but I absolutely hate it.

I used to be against puberty blockers, but this experience changed my views on it. I wish the option to prevent me from going through adolescence as a male and switch to female before puberty was available to me, or at least something I was aware of. However, I tried to live in denial and now it is too late for me. I would not even be able to get close to an adequate result in my eyes if I transition, so I'd rather just CTB and hopefully be reincarnated as the correct AGAB. I do not know what happens when we die, but all I know is the current existence is not something I am willing to work with. I'll take the chances of the uncertainty over this unplayable hand.

Ideally right now (since I am not the AGAB I desire to be), I'd be able to be transplanted into the body of an AFAB (no 5-7 year process, no life long medication), but this is simply not practical (that I know of), and I imagine that'd cost a lot of money to do it if it was.

 

[Al_stargate]

Sorry about your identity issues. I understand how difficult body image issues are since I have this issue after a botched surgery. I am not any of those acronyms just a straight person. Can't imagine being in such a difficult position. What games do you play? I lack motivation for anything as well and I was perfectly happy with big appreciation and drive before my surgery. I play games just to get my mind off things not because I enjoy them. I get bored after a couple of minutes. If there are things you enjoy and like about life you can stick around, maybe exercise, living healthy but you already wrote you lack motivation for anything. Wish you well!

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Sorry about your identity issues. I understand how difficult body image issues are since I have this issue after a botched surgery. I am not any of those acronyms just a straight person. Can't imagine being in such a difficult position. What games do you play? I lack motivation for anything as well and I was perfectly happy with big appreciation and drive before my surgery. I play games just to get my mind off things not because I enjoy them. I get bored after a couple of minutes. If there are things you enjoy and like about life you can stick around, maybe exercise, living healthy but you already wrote you lack motivation for anything. Wish you well!

I play the Yugioh TCG pretty competitively and I have some expensive cards. Unfortunately, none of that matters to me and I feel so empty despite all of it.

I was exercising for a bit starting in 2018 where I nearly went down to 200 LBS, but I stopped because what is the point? I absolutely despise the biological male body so why I should I take care of it? If I was the correct ASAB (I'm not going to call it gender anymore since my issue is beyond that scope), I would absolutely care about my appearance. Sadly, I lost the 5050 at birth and transitioning just doesn't seem adequate for reasons I have mentioned in my original post and various replies through out this thread I wish I was AFAB so I could wake up and feel so great about my appearance (Not trying to be sexist. I just find women generally attractive and not men, and being/feeling attractive to me correlates to body positivity), but sadly I cannot. I just cannot stand myself and being AMAB for the last 31 years makes my skin crawl.

Incidentally (This is something I have not touched on yet on this forum), I had a distraction from my sex dysphoria and that was a relationship that was great back in 2014/2015 (she did not know of my sex dysphoria), but I broke it off with her for unrelated reasons (none of which were her fault) and now she is married and out of my reach Honestly, probably was for the best because maybe it wouldn't have been able to keep the floodgates shut for my sex dysphoria and we would have ended up in this point anyways.

Money, cards, games. None of it is important to me like physical appearance and I cannot obtain the appearance I badly desire. Rather be dead than be in a state of artificial contentment.

 

[Al_stargate]

I play the Yugioh TCG pretty competitively and I have some expensive cards. Unfortunately, none of that matters to me and I feel so empty despite all of it.

I was exercising for a bit starting in 2018 where I nearly went down to 200 LBS, but I stopped because what is the point? I absolutely despise the biological male body so why I should I take care of it? If I was the correct ASAB (I'm not going to call it gender anymore since my issue is beyond that scope), I would absolutely care about my appearance. Sadly, I lost the 5050 at birth and transitioning just doesn't seem adequate for reasons I have mentioned in my original post and various replies through out this thread I wish I was AFAB so I could wake up and feel so great about my appearance (Not trying to be sexist. I just find women generally attractive and not men, and being/feeling attractive to me correlates to body positivity), but sadly I cannot. I just cannot stand myself and being AMAB for the last 31 years makes my skin crawl.

Incidentally (This is something I have not touched on yet on this forum), I had a distraction from my sex dysphoria and that was a relationship that was great back in 2014/2015 (she did not know of my sex dysphoria), but I broke it off with her for unrelated reasons (none of which were her fault) and now she is married and out of my reach Honestly, probably was for the best because maybe it wouldn't have been able to keep the floodgates shut for my sex dysphoria and we would have ended up in this point anyways.

Money, cards, games. None of it is important to me like physical appearance and I cannot obtain the appearance I badly desire. Rather be dead than be in a state of artificial contentment.

I went to school with girl who dressed like a boy and liked to do all boy things. It was sad how as kids we encouraged her to behave feminine. Now in her/his adulthood she/he (haven't talked in over a decade, don't know how they address themselves) dressed fully male, short hair, baggy clothes. It just makes me sad with how much issues a person like that has to overcome and go through all the time.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I went to school with girl who dressed like a boy and liked to do all boy things. It was sad how as kids we encouraged her to behave feminine. Now in her/his adulthood she dressed fully male, short hair, baggy clothes. It just makes me sad with how much issues a person like that has to overcome and go through all the time.

I do not agree with all things being labeled as "Boy things" and "girl things" personally. I think that females have just as much of a right to play video games, card games etc. as males do. Also, this might be a spicy take and may make me come off as sexist even if that is not my intention (But I am indeed biased towards the female sex), but men's clothing (for the most part), I deem Gender/sex neutral. I don't think it looks bad on females. However, seeing women's clothing on men just doesn't sit right with me. Probably because of my hatred towards the male body. Yeah, I am heavily biased towards women.

 

[Niko66]

I appreciate the sentiment and I have glad you found some relief. If it helps, it helps you. A big thing for me doesn't come from the relief but body positivity. I just don't think I can be positive about myself in this body regardless of the labels I am giving. It feels like that if people refer to me as a "she", that I am a fraud because I will look in the mirror and just see the male body. I want to be born as a female and raised as one, but sadly that hasn't been the cards I was dealt. I actually don't even know if what I am experiencing is "Gender dysphoria". I think if I was to give myself a term for this, it'd be "sex dysphoria" because I feel cis-male, but I absolutely hate it.

I used to be against puberty blockers, but this experience changed my views on it. I wish the option to prevent me from going through adolescence as a male and switch to female before puberty was available to me, or at least something I was aware of. However, I tried to live in denial and now it is too late for me. I would not even be able to get close to an adequate result in my eyes if I transition, so I'd rather just CTB and hopefully be reincarnated as the correct AGAB. I do not know what happens when we die, but all I know is the current existence is not something I am willing to work with. I'll take the chances of the uncertainty over this unplayable hand.

Ideally right now (since I am not the AGAB I desire to be), I'd be able to be transplanted into the body of an AFAB (no 5-7 year process, no life long medication), but this is simply not practical (that I know of), and I imagine that'd cost a lot of money to do it if it was.

I can only say I really feel you, I think it would only be natural that one day we'll develop the technology and science for smoother transitioning but anyone until then is mostly screwed unless lucky, I wouldn't even consider transitioning because in the country I live there'd be pretty much no place for me anywhere, there isn't one already but mos are incredibly transphobic.

I also think that ultimately I hate being male more than I want to be female, and all the constant barrage of "men are privileged spoiled predatory monsters" is what I want so badly to distance myself from, guess I spent a bit too much time on the internet because I don't think most people in real life feel this way regarding gender stereotypes.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I can only say I really feel you, I think it would only be natural that one day we'll develop the technology and science for smoother transitioning but anyone until then is mostly screwed unless lucky, I wouldn't even consider transitioning because in the country I live there'd be pretty much no place for me anywhere, there isn't one already but mos are incredibly transphobic.

I also think that ultimately I hate being male more than I want to be female, and all the constant barrage of "men are privileged spoiled predatory monsters" is what I want so badly to distance myself from, guess I spent a bit too much time on the internet because I don't think most people in real life feel this way regarding gender stereotypes.

I honestly don't even know what these "privileges" are for men. I certainly don't feel privilaged and I tick all of the boxes for what people considered privilaged (male and Caucasian), but apparently males do have "male privilage", even though I don't think I have ever experienced it. I guess part of male privilage is not to be objectified like attractive women are, which I understand the frustrations, but I'd take being "objectified" if it means being the desired assigned sex that I want. I would just try to ignore the creepy predatory people. I don't even socialize much anyways (but could be due to my sex dysphoria?)

And yeah, one day that would be nice. Unfortunately, it's going to be too little too late for me.