This is my first post here, I apologize in advance if I accidently break a rule or say/do something wrong.
Ill start with my childhood. My father ctb when I was a kid and my family doesn't like talking about emotions so I had to keep it to myself growing up so I didn't upset anyone. I had bad asthma when I was a kid and I was referred to a specialist 2x a week. I will spare the details of what that monster did to me for years, but one thing he'd say to me is if I told anyone he'd make my asthma worse. Pure fucking evil, and I didn't fully realize how bad it was until I got older and learned how evil his actions were. If cancer didn't get him, I'd probably be in prison
Fast forward to now. I'm 24 and I'm battling a severe addiction to benzodiazepines. When the prescription for those started, I stupidly cried tears of joy because it was the first moment in a very long time I felt peace. The doc gave me 2mg of clonazepam to take twice daily as needed and 7 months later I found I couldn't live without taking them. My prescription stopped and i thought I could be tough, but 3 days in I got ahold of street xanax because I had a seizure and was convinced I was gonna die from withdrawals in a horrific way. I hid that I was an addict for months, until I accidently flooded a 1.5 million dollar home at work and admitted to the people around me what was happening. After I went to a really shitty rehab that put me into a isolated room while going cold turkey off benzos; I wasn't sure what was real and what wasn't.
But I left there with hope that I might have some better resources to help me get clean and live a better life. 2 days after getting out I learned that my sister who is on the spectrum was molested by her teacher and the one time I drove her to his house... hearing the details broke me. I learned that he was fired for sexual misconduct at another school but was able to get a job as my sisters teacher and would meet with her outside of school for 'autism counselling'. My family has been as useful as a chocolate teapot with this situation and I'm scared for her future, she's only 17. I feel like I'm the only person that wants justice for her.
So here is my situation. My benzo addiction is out of hand now and I have tried applying for my doc to end me but I don't meet the criteria until further laws are passed. My words are meaningless to my family and to the people who have the power to help my sister. The fucking principal didn't even phone my mom or step-dad after what happened. I have realized that if I die, my words might be taken seriously and she will get the help she desperately needs. Everything in my name would go to her so she could pay for school and make something good out of this horrible situation. The suicide rate for people addicted to benzos are high, so it wouldn't be a surprise and she knows how bad my addiction has gotten.
Today I went out and reached out for help without saying I want to ctb, I don't want to end up being arrested under the mental health act again. I told them that I would drop my current life (or what's left of it) and go anywhere to a good facility and make an attempt at getting better so I can protect my sister and help her better. Most days now I cannot leave my house, I no longer have a job because of these pills. If that fails, I'm going to ctb. I am grateful to have many 'painless' methods available to me, but the one I want the most is a simple video uploaded online explaining everything so nothing is misunderstood. Then I will get into my truck and drive deep into the mountains to go to my secret abandoned gold mine. I don't want anyone touching my body after I go, and since I have mining experience I would blast the entrance shut with me inside, get comfy with some chemicals then buckshot to the brain.
Part of me would like to ctb in front of my step-dad for how he treated me growing up and how he is with my sister, but he probably wouldn't care and ill end up traumatizing whoever has to clean me up which is something I don't want to do. I just want peace and happiness even if I'm not here. I've searched for years for comfort in this life and it doesn't seem possible, but I don't want to pass that pain onto others. Maybe if I had a gf or if I had friends it would be easier to stay. But my reasons are running out; to me it almost feels logical to go through with it.
I am not sure how to end this other than I hope I don't wake up to cops knocking on my door for making this post. I won't be around for long if that happens. I've kept this inside for so long, and this site seems to be the only place I can share honestly. I'm not even really asking for advice, idk why I'm even posting. It feels good to let it out I guess.
Ill start with my childhood. My father ctb when I was a kid and my family doesn't like talking about emotions so I had to keep it to myself growing up so I didn't upset anyone. I had bad asthma when I was a kid and I was referred to a specialist 2x a week. I will spare the details of what that monster did to me for years, but one thing he'd say to me is if I told anyone he'd make my asthma worse. Pure fucking evil, and I didn't fully realize how bad it was until I got older and learned how evil his actions were. If cancer didn't get him, I'd probably be in prison
Fast forward to now. I'm 24 and I'm battling a severe addiction to benzodiazepines. When the prescription for those started, I stupidly cried tears of joy because it was the first moment in a very long time I felt peace. The doc gave me 2mg of clonazepam to take twice daily as needed and 7 months later I found I couldn't live without taking them. My prescription stopped and i thought I could be tough, but 3 days in I got ahold of street xanax because I had a seizure and was convinced I was gonna die from withdrawals in a horrific way. I hid that I was an addict for months, until I accidently flooded a 1.5 million dollar home at work and admitted to the people around me what was happening. After I went to a really shitty rehab that put me into a isolated room while going cold turkey off benzos; I wasn't sure what was real and what wasn't.
But I left there with hope that I might have some better resources to help me get clean and live a better life. 2 days after getting out I learned that my sister who is on the spectrum was molested by her teacher and the one time I drove her to his house... hearing the details broke me. I learned that he was fired for sexual misconduct at another school but was able to get a job as my sisters teacher and would meet with her outside of school for 'autism counselling'. My family has been as useful as a chocolate teapot with this situation and I'm scared for her future, she's only 17. I feel like I'm the only person that wants justice for her.
So here is my situation. My benzo addiction is out of hand now and I have tried applying for my doc to end me but I don't meet the criteria until further laws are passed. My words are meaningless to my family and to the people who have the power to help my sister. The fucking principal didn't even phone my mom or step-dad after what happened. I have realized that if I die, my words might be taken seriously and she will get the help she desperately needs. Everything in my name would go to her so she could pay for school and make something good out of this horrible situation. The suicide rate for people addicted to benzos are high, so it wouldn't be a surprise and she knows how bad my addiction has gotten.
Today I went out and reached out for help without saying I want to ctb, I don't want to end up being arrested under the mental health act again. I told them that I would drop my current life (or what's left of it) and go anywhere to a good facility and make an attempt at getting better so I can protect my sister and help her better. Most days now I cannot leave my house, I no longer have a job because of these pills. If that fails, I'm going to ctb. I am grateful to have many 'painless' methods available to me, but the one I want the most is a simple video uploaded online explaining everything so nothing is misunderstood. Then I will get into my truck and drive deep into the mountains to go to my secret abandoned gold mine. I don't want anyone touching my body after I go, and since I have mining experience I would blast the entrance shut with me inside, get comfy with some chemicals then buckshot to the brain.
Part of me would like to ctb in front of my step-dad for how he treated me growing up and how he is with my sister, but he probably wouldn't care and ill end up traumatizing whoever has to clean me up which is something I don't want to do. I just want peace and happiness even if I'm not here. I've searched for years for comfort in this life and it doesn't seem possible, but I don't want to pass that pain onto others. Maybe if I had a gf or if I had friends it would be easier to stay. But my reasons are running out; to me it almost feels logical to go through with it.
I am not sure how to end this other than I hope I don't wake up to cops knocking on my door for making this post. I won't be around for long if that happens. I've kept this inside for so long, and this site seems to be the only place I can share honestly. I'm not even really asking for advice, idk why I'm even posting. It feels good to let it out I guess.
