Story my story and goodbye

[hopelessdreams]

hey guys. i've been on this site now for a few months, and it has helped me tremendously with realizing i'm not alone in my feelings and preventing doing stupid attempts that could leave me worse than before. i haven't been very talkative on here, but still wanted to post something before i go tonight.

i grew up and still am in an abusive family. when i was 12 i moved in with my dad and stepmom, which was the downhill of my whole existence. i experienced mental abuse, saw how their children got physically abused and had to stay quiet when social workers came to talk to us. i had no way out. my dad wouldn't let me move back in with my mom, whom remarried to my stepfather at that time. i coped by throwing myself in schoolwork and religion. but for the past year that didn't work anymore. i fell in a deep hole, completely alone and unable to open up to anyone (depression and suicide are a taboo in my environment).

a few weeks ago, i attempted and failed. due to SI i ran to my stepmother and asked to go to the hospital. i wasn't allowed to go and my dad (who is in another country for work rn) was called. i couldn't take it anymore and ran away to my mom. i thought she would give me the support i needed, but i was very wrong. the pain has become so unbearable i can't feel it anymore. i'm paranoid to go outside, scared my dad will be outside and hurt me. at the same time i can't stay home due to the lack of support.

the only thing i've wanted in life was peace. now that i know i won't be able to achieve that, i'm hoping to get that with death. it'll be my only choice i've made without the control of my dad. i'll be going tonight. i've made peace with whatever waits for me in the afterlife. no pain can compare to all i've suffered through on this planet.

i want to thank you guys and this forum for simply existing. even though i haven't talked explicitly to anyone here, y'all have brought me comfort and understanding no one has been able to give me. i wish you all peace with whatever your decision might be.

all the love.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds really awful what you have been through, it must have been unbearable, some people are so cruel and this life is just so unfair. I hope you find relief from your suffering in whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[miminkpo]

That sounds like It hurt a lot. You were already suffering enough to commit suicide and the person that should care the most didn't believe you. Maybe they don't deserve you, or in another words you deserve better.

If you think that the only thing that can calm your pain is suicide, I hope you can pass on painlesly and calmly.

Farewell.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Man your situation sounds really terrible and I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with shit like this. Are you in the US? Have you considered going to authorities and telling them about your situation? All municipalities and counties have some version of a children's protection bureau, and I'm sure it's easy to find if you try. Sure, you'll have to tell them what you have been going through, on both sides, with your dad and your mom, but they can offer you help in your situation and maybe turn things around for you, before you decide to ctb. It may be unnecessary at this stage to make any final determinations for yourself. Maybe you owe it to yourself?

 

[hopelessdreams]

Man your situation sounds really terrible and I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with shit like this. Are you in the US? Have you considered going to authorities and telling them about your situation? All municipalities and counties have some version of a children's protection bureau, and I'm sure it's easy to find if you try. Sure, you'll have to tell them what you have been going through, on both sides, with your dad and your mom, but they can offer you help in your situation and maybe turn things around for you, before you decide to ctb. It may be unnecessary at this stage to make any final determinations for yourself. Maybe you owe it to yourself?

wow. really. thank u. i'm serious. i didn't go through with it. when i looked over the water, standing on the bridge i thought about what i was doing. was i really going to let my circumstances get the best of me? was i really going to let my dad win the battle with me? if i didn't have any restrictions, what would i do with my life? it made me decide against it and give life another chance. maybe it was just a spur of the moment hope, maybe i knew it deep down all along. but i still wanted to thank you for your rational response.


i may take a little break from this forum to get busy with life and try to fix the mess that i made. but i hope i can talk to you if you're up for it :)

 

[locked*n*loaded]

wow. really. thank u. i'm serious. i didn't go through with it. when i looked over the water, standing on the bridge i thought about what i was doing. was i really going to let my circumstances get the best of me? was i really going to let my dad win the battle with me? if i didn't have any restrictions, what would i do with my life? it made me decide against it and give life another chance. maybe it was just a spur of the moment hope, maybe i knew it deep down all along. but i still wanted to thank you for your rational response.


i may take a little break from this forum to get busy with life and try to fix the mess that i made. but i hope i can talk to you if you're up for it :)

That all sounds good. From your post, it sounds like none of this shit you're going through is your fault. You sound fairly young to me, how young, I do not know. I know your waaaaaay younger than me. Like I said, there are ways to get out of your situations. It ISN'T going to be all "peaches and cream", if you know what I mean. You are going to have to drop the ball on your mom and dad. You will end up in the "system", which mean foster care, maybe worse. But, I'm sure it will be better than what you have right now. However it is you end up will give you a chance. Who knows, you may have to revisit the idea of getting the heck out of life someday. Maybe not. I didn't grow up in a household like you. My parents were divorced, and I went to my dad's on the weekends. But, I had 2 great parents. They never beat me or anything, they didn't even hit me, not that I didn't deserve it a time or two. You've got the power to get yourself out of the bad situations you're in. You just need the courage to exercise that power. Running away will give you a lot of problems, too. Don't do that. It's too hard to be out on your own in this shit world. You need to take the method that will give you some support over the next several years. You can lookup online real easy the agency in your area that helps kids in your situation. But, you are going to have to tell it to them like it is. You can message if you need to. Remember, you'd be talking to someone who certainly plans on getting out of here in the not-to-distant future. Once I wrap up some business and get some affairs in order. But, that is a reflection of MY LIFE and where it is. You haven't lived all I have. I wasn't suicidal at your age. You have the ability to try and then see where things can be for you. I think it's worth a shot. But, that is only a decision you can make. If I don't hear from you, GOOD LUCK and give it your all.

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

Similar situation to you in life minus the abuse


One thing you must realize is your parents are not adults. The society will program that into you but adults are still just children and often are very irresponsible no matter what the income level , job title , etc. boomers have left a legacy of broken homes

 

[Glowarm]

I'm so sorry that you are enduring all of that, it sounds really terrible.

 

[StarryStarry]

I'm so sorry your life has turned out this way. I wish I could give you a giant hug and tell you it would be better. Just know that if you change your mind it is okay. I wish you all the peace you deserve.

 

[downndone2]

I'm glad to see you're still here and I hope things get better for you.

 

[hopelessdreams]

thankyou for your wise words. you're totally right. what scares me with going to social workers is that they'll come in contact with my dad, and they most likely will take his kids away. it'll all be my fault then and he goes above and beyond to make someone's life miserable, i've seen it with my own eyes. and if i have to come clean to the professionals, i most likely will end up in a psych ward. i'm not too scared of that, i'm confident they'll give me the help that i need. but for that to happen they'll have to come in contact with my parents, while i rather not talk to them at all anymore. i live in europe btw. i'm on my way now to a friend to update her, not going to tell her about the attempts tho, i don't have the balls for that. i have access to a private helpline for kids in a abusive situation, i might give them a call and see what can be done for me. if it doesn't sound good, i won't go through with it. but if there's some promise to it, i might end up in the police station today to report my dad. this whole situation has gotten way out of hand, but i'm in it now, and i can't back out anymore. the damage is done, might as well go through with it so i come better out of it.

i have messaged you, and i'm fully aware that you can be gone very soon. i'm very sorry to hear that. but i hope that whatever you decide to do will bring you peace

That all sounds good. From your post, it sounds like none of this shit you're going through is your fault. You sound fairly young to me, how young, I do not know. I know your waaaaaay younger than me. Like I said, there are ways to get out of your situations. It ISN'T going to be all "peaches and cream", if you know what I mean. You are going to have to drop the ball on your mom and dad. You will end up in the "system", which mean foster care, maybe worse. But, I'm sure it will be better than what you have right now. However it is you end up will give you a chance. Who knows, you may have to revisit the idea of getting the heck out of life someday. Maybe not. I didn't grow up in a household like you. My parents were divorced, and I went to my dad's on the weekends. But, I had 2 great parents. They never beat me or anything, they didn't even hit me, not that I didn't deserve it a time or two. You've got the power to get yourself out of the bad situations you're in. You just need the courage to exercise that power. Running away will give you a lot of problems, too. Don't do that. It's too hard to be out on your own in this shit world. You need to take the method that will give you some support over the next several years. You can lookup online real easy the agency in your area that helps kids in your situation. But, you are going to have to tell it to them like it is. You can message if you need to. Remember, you'd be talking to someone who certainly plans on getting out of here in the not-to-distant future. Once I wrap up some business and get some affairs in order. But, that is a reflection of MY LIFE and where it is. You haven't lived all I have. I wasn't suicidal at your age. You have the ability to try and then see where things can be for you. I think it's worth a shot. But, that is only a decision you can make. If I don't hear from you, GOOD LUCK and give it your all.

 

[TheWood]

I can understand you as my blood family is toxic too. Your story is sad and I'm sorry you got to this point. I'd tell you to run away and get a free life out of the clutches of your abusive family members, but I understand that not for everyone is a possible choice. This depends on inner strength and the possibilities offered by the surrounding environment. I hope you find the peace you always wanted, in this life or elsewhere. A thought in general, pro-life are all good at throwing inflated accusations at ss, but why not instead undertake to create a society of non-toxic and abusive people? Prevention is better than cure

 

[CommitSudoku]

I'm truly sorry for the situation you're in, and wish you the best whatever you decide to do. I'm glad you seem to be thinking through all your options and I hope you can find peace as you desire from whichever you decide to pursue.

 

[hopelessdreams]

I can understand you as my blood family is toxic too. Your story is sad and I'm sorry you got to this point. I'd tell you to run away and get a free life out of the clutches of your abusive family members, but I understand that not for everyone is a possible choice. This depends on inner strength and the possibilities offered by the surrounding environment. I hope you find the peace you always wanted, in this life or elsewhere. A thought in general, pro-life are all good at throwing inflated accusations at ss, but why not instead undertake to create a society of non-toxic and abusive people? Prevention is better than cure

you're totally right. i think the mistake of people that are against suicide is that they take it very personally. they almost get mad when someone tries to take their own life, and for what? it's not their decision. if people were more accepting of it and talked about it, i think a lot less people would try to ctb.

I'm truly sorry for the situation you're in, and wish you the best whatever you decide to do. I'm glad you seem to be thinking through all your options and I hope you can find peace as you desire from whichever you decide to pursue.

thankyou. i appreciate your kind words. currently trying to find a place for myself and some work. i won't be able to leave this household for a few more months tho, those will be the hardest to overcome. but i think this site will give me a lot of comfort through that time.

 

[Dot]

thankyou for your wise words. you're totally right. what scares me with going to social workers is that they'll come in contact with my dad, and they most likely will take his kids away. it'll all be my fault then and he goes above and beyond to make someone's life miserable, i've seen it with my own eyes. and if i have to come clean to the professionals, i most likely will end up in a psych ward. i'm not too scared of that, i'm confident they'll give me the help that i need. but for that to happen they'll have to come in contact with my parents, while i rather not talk to them at all anymore. i live in europe btw. i'm on my way now to a friend to update her, not going to tell her about the attempts tho, i don't have the balls for that. i have access to a private helpline for kids in a abusive situation, i might give them a call and see what can be done for me. if it doesn't sound good, i won't go through with it. but if there's some promise to it, i might end up in the police station today to report my dad. this whole situation has gotten way out of hand, but i'm in it now, and i can't back out anymore. the damage is done, might as well go through with it so i come better out of it.

i have messaged you, and i'm fully aware that you can be gone very soon. i'm very sorry to hear that. but i hope that whatever you decide to do will bring you peace

Am nt abl 2 typ 2 mch bt jst knw tht if ur fathrs othr chldrn r takn awy tht wld nt b ur flt - tht wld b ur fathrs flt

Pls d/ nt fl rsponsble fr th actns of absve ppl

 

[hopelessdreams]

Am nt abl 2 typ 2 mch bt jst knw tht if ur fathrs othr chldrn r takn awy tht wld nt b ur flt - tht wld b ur fathrs flt

Pls d/ nt fl rsponsble fr th actns of absve ppl

thankyou. im trying my best to remember this is not my fault, which is hard when everyone around me makes me feel like it is.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

What Dot said is right. If you father's kids get taken away, that's not your fault and you may be doing them a favor in the long run. If they need to be taken away, they will be. I doubt you'll end up in a psyche ward. For suicidal thoughts? Counseling, sure. If it's your environment causing your issues, then removing yourself from it is the first step to healing. I see you're in Europe. Not sure what their system is over there (USA here), but the way I understand it is they are way ahead of us with effective social programs and the like. I think they put their people's welfare above how we do it here. I'm more than sure there are answers for you in your situation. I know it will be hard, especially at first, to get the "ball rolling', as some say, and I know you are going to have to grow up really fast here an do "adult' kinds of things, but I think you have it in you to do that. You're worth the effort. Be a little selfish and look out for #1, and that is you, my friend. Good luck and keep us posted.

 

[hopelessdreams]

What Dot said is right. If you father's kids get taken away, that's not your fault and you may be doing them a favor in the long run. If they need to be taken away, they will be. I doubt you'll end up in a psyche ward. For suicidal thoughts? Counseling, sure. If it's your environment causing your issues, then removing yourself from it is the first step to healing. I see you're in Europe. Not sure what their system is over there (USA here), but the way I understand it is they are way ahead of us with effective social programs and the like. I think they put their people's welfare above how we do it here. I'm more than sure there are answers for you in your situation. I know it will be hard, especially at first, to get the "ball rolling', as some say, and I know you are going to have to grow up really fast here an do "adult' kinds of things, but I think you have it in you to do that. You're worth the effort. Be a little selfish and look out for #1, and that is you, my friend. Good luck and keep us posted.

yes, i suppose we are. however, i've seen the situation with social workers fold out with my younger half sister. they did whatever they could to keep her home, so i won't be contacting them. i'll have to wait out these few months, working and decorating the room i got. then i'll be able to leave and my parents will have no power over me legally. thank you for your words again, i'll keep you guys posted as best as i can, given my circumstances are very unstable right now (dad can come back any day now and pull up to my moms house).