Help MY STORY also. Have to get this out. Nowhere else to turn.

[Deleted member 1465]

Greetings. I am so glad I found this community. This is my story - it's a bit long.

I have a Brain Tumor that is wrapped around my brain stem. Deemed TERMINAL. No surgeon will remove - I've seen them all! It will kill me. WHEN is the question. Could be months - could be years. Monthly scans to watch growth. My vision and short term memory are already affected. I'm in extreme/often excruciating pain from the pressure 24/7. Have gone through the standard cancer treatment protocol that left me so immunocompromised to germs, that I just spent 6 weeks on life support fighting Septic Shock. Still alive!

But I am suffering. I am now suicidal every moment of each day. The pain and additional symptoms is so f'ing difficult to manage. It's overwhelming. I just need to end this pain and leave on my own terms; not spending my last weeks/months in hospice. Pain meds don't work for me. And due to the opioid crisis, the good hard drugs aren't handed out freely anymore. What are the odds?!?! I have to laugh at the irony ...

Interestingly enough though I am a full time single mother. I have been fighting so hard to survive so as not to leave my child an orphan; as I myself am an orphan. My child is the LOVE of my life. If I check out; it will fu*k my child up FOREVER. Biggest conundrum of my life!

Since birth though I've known I never belonged on this planet. Just a visitor. An empathic star seed that has had suicidal ideation as long as I can remember. Then survived a childhood and young adult life filled with horrifying trauma. I stayed brave, and marched on while coping with Complex PTSD and living society's version of a "normal" life.

Suicide is a choice. It has always been an option. Knowing I have this option empowers me. Now it's just a matter of 'when' with a race against a brain tumor and the complex conflict of love for my child.

How in the world can I leave her like that? I am utterly terrified by this entire situation. What do I do? This is the ONLY place I have shared my story. Will anyone even read this?

That's an awful story, I'm so sorry. In this world there are terrible people who prosper and kind souls who suffer. I don't blame you for being terrified and I can understand your dilemma (at least as much as someone else can). I too find myself in an intolerable situation, though of a very different nature. I hope you can find the strength to fight on but I understand how exhausting it can be to live every day and night with hopelessness.

 

[JustVisiting]

i think better for her to be aware of your suicide than lose you to a slow and painful death. it's going to hurt either way, and if you take control you might be the one hurting her. but it might ultimately hurt her less than if nature takes its course. i think you could start being transparent about how difficult it is and is going to be. she's going to have to toughen up. there's just no other way. maybe you could watch a documentary together.

i've been thinking more about this and it's going to be traumatizing but i think it's better if you traumatize her to prepare her better for the world. i've appreciated the times when my mother put me through hell if there was no other option and it was in my best interest.

this is my thinking on it also. thank you

That's an awful story, I'm so sorry. In this world there are terrible people who prosper and kind souls who suffer. I don't blame you for being terrified and I can understand your dilemma (at least as much as someone else can). I too find myself in an intolerable situation, though of a very different nature. I hope you can find the strength to fight on but I understand how exhausting it can be to live every day and night with hopelessness.

@Underscore - thank you for replying, "getting it" and sharing a bit of your situation as well. i truly appreciate it. my first instinct is to want to help you. sometimes i find that ironic. i want to leave, but want to help (if i can) everyone else. think it's in my nature and must be a distraction from my own stuff. i AM exhausted. here to listen. if you like.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I'm exactly the same in that regard. I came here to research how to ctb. I stayed and made friends. I felt supported and found that offering my support helped me too. But now the friends I made are gone and I feel grief and guilt. I'm not as active on here as I used to be.

 

[yetme]

But I am suffering. I am now suicidal every moment of each day. The pain and additional symptoms is so f'ing difficult to manage. It's overwhelming. I just need to end this pain and leave on my own terms; not spending my last weeks/months in hospice. Pain meds don't work for me. And due to the opioid crisis, the good hard drugs aren't handed out freely anymore. What are the odds?!?! I have to laugh at the irony ...

Oh God! I feel for you! I live in crucifying pain myself.
There're some experimental therapies. I'm still trying some of those:
Keto-deit
Dry-fasting cycles. This can kill you or it can heal you. I'm going into dry fasting after NY
SOT therapy.

 

[JustVisiting]

I'm exactly the same in that regard. I came here to research how to ctb. I stayed and made friends. I felt supported and found that offering my support helped me too. But now the friends I made are gone and I feel grief and guilt. I'm not as active on here as I used to be.

@Underscore - the only ones that understand are those i have met in my short time here. please try to let that guilt go ...

Oh God! I feel for you! I live in crucifying pain myself.
There're some experimental therapies. I'm still trying some of those:
Keto-deit
Dry-fasting cycles. This can kill you or it can heal you. I'm going into dry fasting after NY
SOT therapy.

@yetme - i do hope one of those can work for you!

 

[SpaceForGrace]

Hi @JustVisiting. I am just here if you want to talk.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

JustVisiting-

I haven't had a chance to read through everything, so please forgive me if you've already answered this question. How old is your daughter? There's such a difference between 13 and 18 so I'm afraid to offer much in the way of help.

Are you familiar with the book How to Help a Child Through a Parent's Serious Illness?
It was written by someone I used to work with and is considered a seminal work. My sister found it very helpful during her battle with cancer. She left behind two girls in college and one son in grade school.

It's not necessarily a bad thing to let your daughter know that you're suffering. It may make your departure, however it happens, a little easier for her.

Wishing you comfort.

 

[Broken Chimera]

That's a terrible situation. All you can do is leave as much info for your daughter as you can. Try to make it as easy for her as possible to live without you, As impossible as it sounds. I feel for you and I wish I had a real solution. I'm sorry and I wish things get better.