TAW122
Emissary of the right to die.
- Aug 30, 2018
- 6,662
This guy u/shotgunforbreakfast on reddit had several great posts and I'd feel like it summarizes my social life and most of my teenage to adult life up pretty well.
In this post, he talks about the people who he thought were his friends turned out wasn't.
Another post talks about how he regrets failing his attempt many years ago.
Finally, this post reminds me of suicide fuel that I once posted a long time ago on SS subreddit before it got banned.
All in all, I can really relate to this guy and feel like if there was another person who posts similar stuff or thinks similarly to me, he would be one of the few examples.
In this post, he talks about the people who he thought were his friends turned out wasn't.
Most seem to, in my experience. People also focus on you "getting better" rather than trying to help you deal with what you're feeling. Everyone I've ever been dumb enough to trust with my ideation or depressions has let me down or flat out cut ties with me. The upshot is those people aren't usually worth your time anyways.
Another post talks about how he regrets failing his attempt many years ago.
The biggest regret in my life is not succeeding at my last suicide attempt, 15 years ago. I've done nothing but tread water and go through the motions, and for what? To make my family and friends feel better about something that affects me first, and even that's a joke, because I know I've been more of a burden than anything else my entire life.
I went to therapy for over a year, and worked through all kinds of stuff from my childhood, like blaming myself for not being able to protect my family from my abusive and violent drunk father. And you know what the kicker is? That's just shit that happened to me, and it's not why I want to die. I want to die because as long as I can remember, existence has caused me pain. I wake up, and my first impulse is to harm myself, every day for the last 35 years. I shake it off, and I go about my business, because that's what I'm "supposed" to do. But it's not what I want to do. I want to put myself to sleep.
People always try and tell me "It gets better", or my personal favorite, "I/We don't want to see you suffer", yet these are the same people who insist I keep existing, just so they don't have to face their own mortality. Because that's the real reason suicide is taboo. Those same people who "supported" me are the first ones to cut bait when I don't "get better". I had a group discord, a so-called "support" group, and all six of them cut me loose and blocked me on every shared platform Friday. No reason, no warning, just dropped me like a bad habit. I've been hanging on by a thread for a month now, and it feels like that thread just got cut.
These are people I've known for years, people who claimed to be there if I needed them. It's fucking bullshit. No one cares about anyone but themselves, the "normal" ones just like shaming those of us who don't have a survival instinct for reminding them of death. "People get sick of you being sick", I think someone once said. It's the truest thing I know. Everyone wants to change you, no one has the fortitude to sit with you while you deal with your pain. This is just going to keep happening at this rate unless I succeed and end it finally. I can't keep going in these loops of lying to myself and finding "support", only to have people realize that I'm just a pile of shit that wants to die, and short of a chemical lobotomy, that won't change.
I have people in my life that I love to pieces, it makes me sad that they don't love me enough to put bullet in the back of my head and let me rest. I don't even know why I posted all this, but thanks for letting me leave my shit here. It might end up being the only proof I existed if I fix the mistake I've regretted for the last 15 years.
Finally, this post reminds me of suicide fuel that I once posted a long time ago on SS subreddit before it got banned.
I'm so fucking angry right now. I've been coping with a severe decline in my mental health for over 2 years now, suicidal ideation has been creeping in, but I fought it for 24 long months, and I'm finally done. A group of people who lied to my face and called me their friend spent the last 3 days blocking and burning every bridge between me and them. They imagine themselves as a support group, but they turned on me with no warning and dropped me like a bad habit.
I was doing fine without them, I was crawling, but I was moving forward. Then they come along and fucking lie to me, make me think I finally have people I can trust with my thoughts and not be fucking alone with my own hell. I'm an idiot for trusting anyone. Silence, for three days, I manage to work through the complete despair and try and connect to some other groups. The "friends" who had overlap from this "support group" started cutting ties with mutual friends.
I can't fucking stand it. Am I so worthless and abhorrent that you need to avoid contact with me by proxy? Is it one for and all for one, unless that one is me? So I tell these fucks off finally, even though I know they won't even read what I send. I'm punching my own ticket, and they can all fuck off with their faux concern and patting themselves on the back for doing nothing.
I'm on borrowed time, and I finally feel free. So I agree to hang with another friend who because of distance has no clue about my depression. I can feel normal at least one more time before I prepare my death and finally free myself.
And one of those fuckers called the cops. I have to lie to my mother, tell her that it's just bs from a fucked up associate. Can't talk, cuts me off with no warning, but does an end around and narcs on me to the cops? Fuck that piece of shit. I'm still going to die, and all they did was make a sweet lady cry.
If you're here to help people, to "save them", then this part is for you.
If you cut and run when someone needs you the most. If you hide like a coward while someone suffers, and then in the midnight hour follow some bullshit social "obligation" to save a life. Then these three words are for you:
Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'd rather die to spite you than live and let you pat yourself on the back for other people's hard work. My only regret is that I'm not angry enough to slit my throat in front of you. Eat shit and die, I'll save you a spot in hell.
All in all, I can really relate to this guy and feel like if there was another person who posts similar stuff or thinks similarly to me, he would be one of the few examples.
