Pancake1230
<3
- May 17, 2024
- 56
It came this morning. I thought I was kinda chill about until I went to work. I'm not very good at writing, so this might be all over the place, sorry.
I couldn't stop thinking about ctb. I had to fight the urge to just walk out of work and go home, everything be damned. I stuck it out though. I think I've decided to do it in mid June.
But anyway, at work I kept getting teary eyed thinking about my suicide letter, all of the apologies I have to give to my family and more importantly friends. I was thinking of posting my note on Instagram, since my family and friends follow it, and I can say what I want to everyone at once, instead of stressing over it individually. Idk idk
It's all just so frustrating. I have autism and severe anxiety and some other shit, if I had just been born normally I could have been just like everyone else. I could've been able to talk to people, look them in their eyes, not be constantly in fear over whether strangers hate me because I'm so clumsy and braindead. I couldve been able to drive and do simple, even complex tasks without struggling. I wouldn't have to ask people to give me step by step instructions on how to freaking do basic shit.
I grieve for the person I could have been. I could have been happy. I could have had normal relationships with other people. I could have known when someone was taking advantage of me or abusing me. I could have known how to make someone stop inappropriately talking/touching me, instead of acting like a deer in the headlights. I'm so sick of this. I thought things would get better.
Even 12 year old me knew it would come to this. Hell, maybe even earlier. I remember being in early elementary thinking I wouldn't make it to 2nd grade. I think my only regret is not having gone through with ctb earlier, and sparing myself and everyone around me the pain and annoyance of dealing with me.
I hate this void feeling in my chest I wake up with every day. I hate all these giant looming feelings I can't even name.
I just hope God forgives me, I've been repenting like crazy, but I'm sure it'll never be enough. Nothing I do is ever enough.
Hopefully someone/things kills me before I do.
I couldn't stop thinking about ctb. I had to fight the urge to just walk out of work and go home, everything be damned. I stuck it out though. I think I've decided to do it in mid June.
But anyway, at work I kept getting teary eyed thinking about my suicide letter, all of the apologies I have to give to my family and more importantly friends. I was thinking of posting my note on Instagram, since my family and friends follow it, and I can say what I want to everyone at once, instead of stressing over it individually. Idk idk
It's all just so frustrating. I have autism and severe anxiety and some other shit, if I had just been born normally I could have been just like everyone else. I could've been able to talk to people, look them in their eyes, not be constantly in fear over whether strangers hate me because I'm so clumsy and braindead. I couldve been able to drive and do simple, even complex tasks without struggling. I wouldn't have to ask people to give me step by step instructions on how to freaking do basic shit.
I grieve for the person I could have been. I could have been happy. I could have had normal relationships with other people. I could have known when someone was taking advantage of me or abusing me. I could have known how to make someone stop inappropriately talking/touching me, instead of acting like a deer in the headlights. I'm so sick of this. I thought things would get better.
Even 12 year old me knew it would come to this. Hell, maybe even earlier. I remember being in early elementary thinking I wouldn't make it to 2nd grade. I think my only regret is not having gone through with ctb earlier, and sparing myself and everyone around me the pain and annoyance of dealing with me.
I hate this void feeling in my chest I wake up with every day. I hate all these giant looming feelings I can't even name.
I just hope God forgives me, I've been repenting like crazy, but I'm sure it'll never be enough. Nothing I do is ever enough.
Hopefully someone/things kills me before I do.
