My situation

[fox_wannabe]

I kinda fucked up by not killing myself already.
I threw everything out and cleaned my house like 5 or 6 times preparing for ctb. I booked hotel room in the end of this weekend. At this point I am afraid I will not do It.

Spoiler: details

I didn't go to college because I hate It there and I am lazy, now I probably have been kicked from student list, I feel as impostor in college because I already fall 2 years behind my student group. It makes me depressed to just live in my house or just to exist, sometimes just being me hurts.

Weight of expectations of my parents for me to finish college crushes me and fuels my ctb, and If I do not finish college I will be looser. Because all I have is my intellect- that is what family thought me. No friends, no personality, nothing, just grind. My mom just suffered through life and she expects me to do the same. I have 0 irl friends. I have only family who worries about me and takes care of me.

I cannot work because I will always stick out from the group. Being normal is task for me requiring enormous amount of energy and sometimes It drives me mad.

From here I can only tell my mom about being suicidal and end up in mental hospital. I will also feel shame. My whole life I feel shame for not being enough. Because I am not enough. I am not neurotypical and short with average face. That is why I was always bullied. I took majority of bullying and now I am stuck all my life in that primary school hallways, still as scared, little child, holding back tears.

It is unfair that parents breed me and expect so much from me, to perform, have hobbies, have friends, become engineer, find girlfriend for which they used to ask so innocently. I felt so far behind other people It looks like I have barely even started. Besides It was never like I had any choice to all of that. Free will my ass If I am constantly pushed and directed by my parents approval, which is nothing but survival instinct in disguise. I did all of this because of fear.

And now I have to decide for myself to live or not. But living will contain unbearable pain, It always did and always will. I know what I am and what I am not thus death will be preferable to anything I am going to experience. Being neet, working minimum wage, being old and bitter. I just need to finally do It. I think I wasn't hopeless enough to actually do It but now I am close to It.

 

[Supersadmommy90]

I often think back to times in the past I came so close to carrying thru, and what I would have missed and how I feel about that. My conclusion is that I Would have been spared all the misery I've since been thru, and I would also have missed out on my children so it's a stale mate

 

[fox_wannabe]

I often think back to times in the past I came so close to carrying thru, and what I would have missed and how I feel about that. My conclusion is that I Would have been spared all the misery I've since been thru, and I would also have missed out on my children so it's a stale mate

I don't want to bring children to this world so I won't loose anything, neither I could bring children into this world

 

[Supersadmommy90]

I don't want to bring children to this world so I won't loose anything, neither I could bring children into this world

I don't blame you

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes, it is very frustrating how we were forced to exist. Life is a terrible unnecessary thing that I want nothing to do with. It is horrible dealing with stress, and that is essentially what life is. I look forward to death. I wish you the best with your plans and I hope you find peace and freedom from suffering.

 

[fox_wannabe]

Yes, it is very frustrating how we were forced to exist. Life is a terrible unnecessary thing that I want nothing to do with. It is horrible dealing with stress, and that is essentially what life is. I look forward to death. I wish you the best with your plans and I hope you find peace and freedom from suffering.

I hear that a lot from you, and I agree. I just want to hear why you think like that this time if it is not to much to ask

 

[FuneralCry]

I hear that a lot from you, and I agree. I just want to hear why you think like that this time if it is not to much to ask

I think like this as I just dislike everything about life and living. It is the way that I feel, I have never wanted to be alive. I just see sleeping forever as being better than this life. I just prefer the sound of being at peace. Life is pointless suffering and that is the truth.

 

[Pluto]

Parents can cause immense trouble, bringing us here, failing to protect us from bullying, then wanting us to perform so that they can boast to their friends about becoming grandparents, etc.

I wish I could offer some sort of hope, but I dedicated all of my resources to leaving my parents, cutting off contact and buying a house. And it didn't take long before I started to go through burnout, and the long-term consequences of surviving without human love. I'm still in the same place and wish I could have avoided suffering and humiliating myself for so many years.

 

[kurisutinabestgirl]

It's really heartbreaking reading your story, seeing that you're in a trapped situation, since your mother would get you in a mental health hospital, and also the burden of college and work. I am sorry, I am terrible at giving good words of comfort, but if this means something, I can really see the struggle that you're going through, and I also relate a lot while reading your struggles. I think you articulated your thoughts very well in this post.

Anyways, I wish the peace for you that you need <3.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

With each passing year I am starting to worry that I might never be able to ctb. I missed some good opportunities to ctb like you OP.

I think if I become homeless and I still can't ctb, I have to face the facts that I will never be able to.

 

[Midgardsorm]

Hey Fox. It's always good to hear from you.

So I relate a lot to your post. I do know how old are you now, but I'm 34 and a disgust for my parents and whole family tree since I come from a family of geniuses. My father feels like a failure because our family is very big and all my cousins have awesome lives. They are married, have a masters degree or more. Have their own houses and families.
In my father's side of the family, my brother is a Biochemist phd and my sister has a very extensive curriculum as Journalist.

As for me, the black sheep, I have finally a bachelor's degree after 10 freaking years of college. But now I'm underpaid and struggling to find job. Also I'm the only one of the whole family who has a history of psych disorders (Diagnosed, Because everyone my family has it, actually.)

So I can understand the pressure. I'll tell my point of view as If I were talking to myself.

It's impossible to know the future but not impossible to try to foresee it. Obviously not an exact forecasting since these waves changes abruptly a lot of times, even though they don't seem to follow this pattern to our side unless if it's to drag us down.
Keep on going holding solely on hope will be our downfall and we know it as hope is amoung one of the most dangerous thing known to the wise.

To keep on, we will need to put on a little extra strenght on our efforts, but not as we used to. A change our previous pattern of actions to something more adapted from what the universe wants for us will be needed. Yes, We do not want to change our views or actions. But as it seems, it will be needed to proceed further.

The question that we need to ask ourselves is: Are we able and willing to make this change?

If the answer is Yes the keep on might still be an option. Otherwise ...

We do not know if it will work, but it will be needed. We might as well end up doing everything for naught, but we can't be certain. Maybe it works.

As for now only you can answer this question. Even if it means to try to go further just for a little. We will need to make choices.

But know. In the end, it's always up to you. It's also important to know if it worth it. Again, it's a question that only you can answer.

Know that you can take some time to answer this question. don't feel pressured to it just because you booked an hotel room.

And know that all of us here, wish only the best for you.

Be well, Fox. We are rooting for you.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

The question that we need to ask ourselves is: Are we able and willing to make this change?

I think the question we should be asking is if it is worth struggling over a life you don't even want in the first place. The intensity goes up and down but the actual urge to ctb never goes away. At least not for me. Once you realize suicide is a real option it is impossible to forget.

 

[Midgardsorm]

I think the question we should be asking is if it is worth struggling over a life you don't even want in the first place. The intensity goes up and down but the actual urge to ctb never goes away. At least not for me. Once you realize suicide is a real option it is impossible to forget.

I've put this here too.

It's also important to know if it worth it. Again, it's a question that only you can answer.

"able and willing" means exactly that.

It's a difficult question to answer so it's good to break into parts.
Able: Does our health allow it?
Willing: Is it worth the struggle or do we have things we want to do in the future that we will reward us enough to make all the struggle wroth itd