Mukuro Ikusaba
Ultimate Despair
- Jan 23, 2025
- 26
I forgot to mention something which I thought was important in explaining everything. I apolagize for not mentioning it earlier. I was about to head out with my parents, and felt rushed, but since breakfast was cancelled in favor of dinner, I can explain things in more detail.
Essentially, I'll explain in more detail, if you haven't seen the first post, then go here.
I became a NEET/Hikikomori after 11th Grade, I decided that I wanted nothing to do with that shitty high school, so I asked my mother to homeschool me, because that's what I wanted. I'm not sure any of you realize, let alone care, but I hated that school, and wanted nothing to do with it. It felt really alienating. I was anxious of course, and wasn't sure what was to be of it, but I also felt really anxious returning back to that awful school. I witnessed a fight while going to a supermarket that's right across from the school, from students no less, so it left an impression on me, that and the fact that I ratted out a student for not doing anything in our group project *that I did* also was worrying.
I just hated that school, and all the degenerates in it (referring to the thug and tiktok variants) so I told my Mother I wanted to do homeschooling and she accepted, but she wanted me to get a "job" but we can get to that part later. I enjoyed life as it was, for a while, I suppose, life went on, my grandparents visited, and I didn't go trick or treating that year...I'm not sure why I didn't. I regret that looking back. I waited for instructions to homeschool myself, and my Mother said I should do Khan Academy...and so I did.
I did, but it was like really vague so I also decided to use ChatGPT to do it too, and I even went downstairs and made myself my little own classroom to do it too! I would spend around four days a week trying to homeschool myself, and because I was a christian at the time, I added in bible study too (how embarrassing) so yeah. However, sometime in September-October, I kind of just...broke...it just happened...I think I had a crying fit...maybe not...I'm not to sure, but I just stopped.
So, I eventually found about and found solace in NEETdom and began to learn about wageslavery, NEETdom and everything in between, and so I decided to become a NEET, and so that's what I did. I'm still one right now, and chances are, I'll be one if I cease to be. I digress. I became a NEET and began to enjoy myself. I spent my days trying to read books...playing video games and watching anime...I think...I actually can't remember the details. I also worked for the next door neighbor to get myself a little spending money (it'll be important later).
Everything was fine until November, that is when things went from awful to worse, as again, I had essentially lost hope by then, my passion project which I spent three years on I had just given up on, and I begun to slowly fall into decay. But what really made things worse was Black Friday. It was the day after, my parents called for me, and I came downstairs, and I learned something shocking, very shocking. My younger sister had been caught shoplifting, but not only that, she had done drugs, weed at the very least and alcohol but if that wasn't bad enough, I found out she had sex, I felt sick to my stomach after hearing that.
I wasn't sure whether she had actually been raped, my parents said nothing of it, but I put the pieces together, and as an older brother, it is something I feel immense regret about it. I should've done something, rather fucking murder him like the shit scumbag he was, but I digress. I didn't know she was raped at the time, I only figured that part out, two-three months after the fact, but that alone was shocking. My father was somewhat affected but my mother completely broke, and so had go to the hospital to receive Xanax which made her a different person. My younger sister was sent to a psych ward, and of course under went PHP.
What could make things worse? It happened right before my birthday, so no birthday presents for me...I'm selfish, deal with it. I wanted a PS3, and asked her to get it, that wasn't happening. I digress. I had earned a lot of money from a babysitting gig my sister was supposed to do and from petsitting my neighbors house, so I just decided to use that money to buy myself something for my birthday, a PS3, and I was even set to go visit my grandparents, probably to get away from the hectic situation at home, but also because my Father had business in the capital of my state, which happened to be near my hometown.
I go to my grandparents city, and I wait in anticipation for my birthday, and...it started off well enough...I went to the mall...I wanted to to this anime store, but my grandpa didn't want to, and it wasn't open, so mall it was. I looked around the mall, got some stuff, but my grandpa was impatient, so we left for lunch, had lunch and...then went home. I wanted to go look around the city, but my grandpa didn't and so we got into an argument, my father mediated, and we went to dinner, and then desert, but they really just wanted to drink. I should state my grandparents are alcoholics, the one's on my father's side, I HATE the one's on my mother's side even more, but that's for a different day. It was there at BJ's brewhouse where I got a gluten-free pizookie, that I discovered that my grandparents had bitched to my mother about how I costed 300$ or something on my birthday...I felt heartbroken and upset by this...
They tried to play it off, and I was just so annoyed I let it go...but it gets worse...so I go back home, and my mother on xanax gets mad at me for buying a PS3 with my own money, and is just acting awful, and I was so close to my breaking point. I called my father, told him everything, and then my annoying grandmother bursts into my room, and I tell her to go away, but she doesn't, so I have to lock myself in the bathroom, because I'm so fucking annoyed, and so I block my mother, my father, and my grandmother, and heaedd to my hometown the next day with my grandfather for the day, because my grandparents city is in the same state as my hometown.
It was decent. I hated how he acted though. I unblocked my parents after I had a talk with my father who was there on work business for dinner, and I had to call my mother because my father wouldn't stop begging me to do it, and yeah..we also got a puppy...but I was just so out of it, I didn't care...so we head home...introduce the puppy...he tried to run away...but I carried him back home, and yeah..I blocked my grandparents afterwards. I resent them for ruining my 18th birthday, like really resent them for it...they could've done better...like not bitch about money...or just put up with it...considering the situation I was in.
I got to keep the PS3, and life went on, you know the rest, I go onto 4chan, learn about the true reality of the world, and become more and more suicidal, until today, where I am here, ochrastrating my suicide attempt for all of you to see. I consider this to be probably one of the worst days in my life...or worst periods...and because of it...I essentially lost my relationship with my grandparents, people who I deeply valued and cared for. I can't trust them anymore, can't see them eye to eye, and I just don't think they care anymore, so I stopped bothering. Call me a monster all you want, but that's what I am, and I don't care what anyone else says.
As I said before, I have nothing to live for, I dropped out of school, refused to finish homeschooling, am so unlikeable to the point that even talking with me is a chore, and I essentially hate everyone. I'd rather cease to be right now and be done with it...but with respect to my family...I won't cease to be until February 23rd at the very least due to family birthdays...but I plan on ceasing to be in April. I won't say which date, though I'm certain I know what day it will be. I've stated this before, but I plan on either hanging or stabbing myself to death, unless SN is beneficial to me. I don't have a drivers license nor do I leave the house that often, nor do I have an ID..so it will be hard.
I can smuggle packages to my house, it's how I got myself a Windows 7 and a PSVita but if such is too risky, then I won't do it. If anyone has any suggestions on how I can be gone by May 2025 in my situation, please do not hesitate to speak. That is all.
Essentially, I'll explain in more detail, if you haven't seen the first post, then go here.
I became a NEET/Hikikomori after 11th Grade, I decided that I wanted nothing to do with that shitty high school, so I asked my mother to homeschool me, because that's what I wanted. I'm not sure any of you realize, let alone care, but I hated that school, and wanted nothing to do with it. It felt really alienating. I was anxious of course, and wasn't sure what was to be of it, but I also felt really anxious returning back to that awful school. I witnessed a fight while going to a supermarket that's right across from the school, from students no less, so it left an impression on me, that and the fact that I ratted out a student for not doing anything in our group project *that I did* also was worrying.
I just hated that school, and all the degenerates in it (referring to the thug and tiktok variants) so I told my Mother I wanted to do homeschooling and she accepted, but she wanted me to get a "job" but we can get to that part later. I enjoyed life as it was, for a while, I suppose, life went on, my grandparents visited, and I didn't go trick or treating that year...I'm not sure why I didn't. I regret that looking back. I waited for instructions to homeschool myself, and my Mother said I should do Khan Academy...and so I did.
I did, but it was like really vague so I also decided to use ChatGPT to do it too, and I even went downstairs and made myself my little own classroom to do it too! I would spend around four days a week trying to homeschool myself, and because I was a christian at the time, I added in bible study too (how embarrassing) so yeah. However, sometime in September-October, I kind of just...broke...it just happened...I think I had a crying fit...maybe not...I'm not to sure, but I just stopped.
So, I eventually found about and found solace in NEETdom and began to learn about wageslavery, NEETdom and everything in between, and so I decided to become a NEET, and so that's what I did. I'm still one right now, and chances are, I'll be one if I cease to be. I digress. I became a NEET and began to enjoy myself. I spent my days trying to read books...playing video games and watching anime...I think...I actually can't remember the details. I also worked for the next door neighbor to get myself a little spending money (it'll be important later).
Everything was fine until November, that is when things went from awful to worse, as again, I had essentially lost hope by then, my passion project which I spent three years on I had just given up on, and I begun to slowly fall into decay. But what really made things worse was Black Friday. It was the day after, my parents called for me, and I came downstairs, and I learned something shocking, very shocking. My younger sister had been caught shoplifting, but not only that, she had done drugs, weed at the very least and alcohol but if that wasn't bad enough, I found out she had sex, I felt sick to my stomach after hearing that.
I wasn't sure whether she had actually been raped, my parents said nothing of it, but I put the pieces together, and as an older brother, it is something I feel immense regret about it. I should've done something, rather fucking murder him like the shit scumbag he was, but I digress. I didn't know she was raped at the time, I only figured that part out, two-three months after the fact, but that alone was shocking. My father was somewhat affected but my mother completely broke, and so had go to the hospital to receive Xanax which made her a different person. My younger sister was sent to a psych ward, and of course under went PHP.
What could make things worse? It happened right before my birthday, so no birthday presents for me...I'm selfish, deal with it. I wanted a PS3, and asked her to get it, that wasn't happening. I digress. I had earned a lot of money from a babysitting gig my sister was supposed to do and from petsitting my neighbors house, so I just decided to use that money to buy myself something for my birthday, a PS3, and I was even set to go visit my grandparents, probably to get away from the hectic situation at home, but also because my Father had business in the capital of my state, which happened to be near my hometown.
I go to my grandparents city, and I wait in anticipation for my birthday, and...it started off well enough...I went to the mall...I wanted to to this anime store, but my grandpa didn't want to, and it wasn't open, so mall it was. I looked around the mall, got some stuff, but my grandpa was impatient, so we left for lunch, had lunch and...then went home. I wanted to go look around the city, but my grandpa didn't and so we got into an argument, my father mediated, and we went to dinner, and then desert, but they really just wanted to drink. I should state my grandparents are alcoholics, the one's on my father's side, I HATE the one's on my mother's side even more, but that's for a different day. It was there at BJ's brewhouse where I got a gluten-free pizookie, that I discovered that my grandparents had bitched to my mother about how I costed 300$ or something on my birthday...I felt heartbroken and upset by this...
They tried to play it off, and I was just so annoyed I let it go...but it gets worse...so I go back home, and my mother on xanax gets mad at me for buying a PS3 with my own money, and is just acting awful, and I was so close to my breaking point. I called my father, told him everything, and then my annoying grandmother bursts into my room, and I tell her to go away, but she doesn't, so I have to lock myself in the bathroom, because I'm so fucking annoyed, and so I block my mother, my father, and my grandmother, and heaedd to my hometown the next day with my grandfather for the day, because my grandparents city is in the same state as my hometown.
It was decent. I hated how he acted though. I unblocked my parents after I had a talk with my father who was there on work business for dinner, and I had to call my mother because my father wouldn't stop begging me to do it, and yeah..we also got a puppy...but I was just so out of it, I didn't care...so we head home...introduce the puppy...he tried to run away...but I carried him back home, and yeah..I blocked my grandparents afterwards. I resent them for ruining my 18th birthday, like really resent them for it...they could've done better...like not bitch about money...or just put up with it...considering the situation I was in.
I got to keep the PS3, and life went on, you know the rest, I go onto 4chan, learn about the true reality of the world, and become more and more suicidal, until today, where I am here, ochrastrating my suicide attempt for all of you to see. I consider this to be probably one of the worst days in my life...or worst periods...and because of it...I essentially lost my relationship with my grandparents, people who I deeply valued and cared for. I can't trust them anymore, can't see them eye to eye, and I just don't think they care anymore, so I stopped bothering. Call me a monster all you want, but that's what I am, and I don't care what anyone else says.
As I said before, I have nothing to live for, I dropped out of school, refused to finish homeschooling, am so unlikeable to the point that even talking with me is a chore, and I essentially hate everyone. I'd rather cease to be right now and be done with it...but with respect to my family...I won't cease to be until February 23rd at the very least due to family birthdays...but I plan on ceasing to be in April. I won't say which date, though I'm certain I know what day it will be. I've stated this before, but I plan on either hanging or stabbing myself to death, unless SN is beneficial to me. I don't have a drivers license nor do I leave the house that often, nor do I have an ID..so it will be hard.
I can smuggle packages to my house, it's how I got myself a Windows 7 and a PSVita but if such is too risky, then I won't do it. If anyone has any suggestions on how I can be gone by May 2025 in my situation, please do not hesitate to speak. That is all.
