My sister just died

[disillusionment]

I tried to commit suicide a couple days before my sister died. We didn't even know for weeks because they didn't know who to contact. She lived a hard life, drug addictions, mental illness, trauma, family problems etc. I'm so depressed. I lost my grandmother this same time last year due to cancer. Two people lost in two years.

I feel like such a jerk now that I saw my loved ones grieving and having to plan the funeral and see the body and everything. Like it didn't really feel real to me before. I felt like people wouldn't really care. It didn't feel like such a big thing to me. It felt like I just needed the pain to stop right now and I don't care about anything else. And now I feel 100x worse with her passing. Like I feel like I just really want to be gone even more now but it feels wrong to me to do it. This life is just really, really hard. My sister is dead because of her messed up family and because she could never get proper help. She lived such a sad life and it makes me so sad. My parents should not have been parents.

Now I'm scared I will lose someone else close to me and not even get to say goodbye. I never got to say goodbye to my grandma or my sister and didn't visit them before they passed. I have so many regrets about things I did and didn't do and it weighs heavily on me. And I have such a bad relationship with my other family members, I feel like I'd have a lot of regrets if they died but I don't know how to possibly have a better relationship with them. They don't understand me and I don't understand them. They have like zero empathy. I don't know to forgive them but also it feels like if I don't it will hurt more if something happens to them. I'm so angry at my mother all the time but for good reason. But it jut feels like she is broken and doesn't know how to be better. I just wish I could've had at least one loving parent or could've been not born if my life has to be like this. Feels like I'm failing everyone and I'm not in control of anything because I guess I'm not.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Life really is depressing and it is certainly hard. I hope you find peace.

 

[disillusionment]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Life really is depressing and it is certainly hard. I hope you find peace.

Thank you. I just can't stop crying. Just want the pain to stop.

 

[Lone_Gray_Wolf]

Life has not been generous to you, at least seems like it. It must be so confusing and conflicting, having the desire to ctb but having so many recent deaths and perhaps not wanting to add to the pain but at the same time, not being able of bearing it anymore. Sorry that you have to go through it; feel free to talk your problems out in chat or with friends in here, we may not solve it, but at least get you out of your head of allow you to let some steam off.

Best wishes.

 

[DeathBecomesMe_2021]

That's so sad. Sorry for your loss.

 

[Manaaja]

I'm really sorry. Deaths are often extremely horrible and the sadness is enormous. There's this huge feeling of emptiness when people around you disappear. It feels like nothing can ever replace them, and maybe nothing can. I don't know. It makes it feel like life is pointless and too cruel.

Don't blame yourself. And please, I know it's really hard, but please try to get up from bed tomorrow, drink water and eat. My dog who was my whole life died a little while ago and it was almost impossible to do anything, but in the end staying in bed won't make you feel any better. And be kind to yourself, you are allowed to comfort yourself in any way possible. And remember that it's okay to cry as much as you need. Pick a soft towel to dry your tears. I hurt my face when I wiped with regular paper after my dog died.

*hugs* Stay safe!

 

[disillusionment]

Life has not been generous to you, at least seems like it. It must be so confusing and conflicting, having the desire to ctb but having so many recent deaths and perhaps not wanting to add to the pain but at the same time, not being able of bearing it anymore. Sorry that you have to go through it; feel free to talk your problems out in chat or with friends in here, we may not solve it, but at least get you out of your head of allow you to let some steam off.

Best wishes.

Thank you for your kind words. Yeah, I really don't want to add to their pain, and there are still things I wanted to do before I die but I just feel like life is really kicking my ass. Like every time I try to get better life just kicks me when I'm down. After I tried to commit suicide I decided to do everything I can to try to get better and I was determined. Things seemed to be looking up too. And then I found out my sister had died like two days after my attempt. Life feels cruel and horrible. And my mom, she laughed at the funeral and barely even cried. Just feel so mad at her. I know people grieve differently but she pissed me off.

I'm really sorry. Deaths are often extremely horrible and the sadness is enormous. There's this huge feeling of emptiness when people around you disappear. It feels like nothing can ever replace them, and maybe nothing can. I don't know. It makes it feel like life is pointless and too cruel.

Don't blame yourself. And please, I know it's really hard, but please try to get up from bed tomorrow, drink water and eat. My dog who was my whole life died a little while ago and it was almost impossible to do anything, but in the end staying in bed won't make you feel any better. And be kind to yourself, you are allowed to comfort yourself in any way possible. And remember that it's okay to cry as much as you need. Pick a soft towel to dry your tears. I hurt my face when I wiped with regular paper after my dog died.

*hugs* Stay safe!

Thank you for your kind words. I do feel really empty. I blame myself a lot. Like I wish I had done this or that differently. I just had a lot of my own problems going on in the last little while and was trying to just survive. Just wish we could've helped her more. My mom and dad's egos and mental disorders got in the way of helping her more. My dad has no empathy and when I cut myself as a teen he made fun of me and said let's cut ourselves together. Didn't try to help me. My mom has no empathy either. Imagine having a drug addiction as a teen and parents who are cold and make fun of you and can't understand your pain at all. No wonder she couldn't quit.

I'm sorry for your loss. I love animals so much and it hurts so much to lose them. They are just so pure and good.

I do want to stay in bed all day.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

My parents should not have been parents.

A colleague of mine remarked last night that most human beings aren't responsible enough to be parents. Very sorry for your loss.

 

[Sherri]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[xLosthopex]

I'm so sorry for your loss
I've also lost several close family members in recent times
Grief is so horrible

 

[Chockles]

So sorry for your loss

 

[KayKay]

I'm so very very sorry for your loss and the pain you're going through.

 

[ClownMe]

Sorry for your loss

 

[Dead Meat]

I'm so sorry for your loss my condolences

 

[disillusionment]

A colleague of mine remarked last night that most human beings aren't responsible enough to be parents. Very sorry for your loss.

This is why I'll never have kids. I wish my parents never had me.

 

[W’ren]

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

 

[Depressed_Kettle]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

[SuicideRun]

My friend, I understand you. My parents were a mess too. They were not supposed to become parents and never were supposed to meet and marry. Even though I can't blame them all for what I've become. Like you I feel so inadequate in this world, totally out of sync with life, so lost in the void. I am tired of being so alone among so many people, the fear of losing what little I have left of decent people I know terrifies me, so tired of finding this planet unsatisfactory for my ancient dreams. I am close to you in pain and I hug you tightly.

 

[Kris7825]

I'm sorry for what happened

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

This is why I'll never have kids. I wish my parents never had me.

One of the only two choices I'm proud of in my life is that, like you, I never subjected new consciousness to the inferno of life. The horrors related to our genes stop with us. High-five to you.

 

[Limo Wreck]

I'm sorry for what happened, losing people is really tough and hard to deal with. I hope you're taking care of yourself

 

[disillusionment]

Feeling suicidal again bc nobody is able to even be there for me right now. Nobody truly cares about me or my pain. Life just keeps shitting on me. Im just all alone in this horrible world full of never ending suffering. I hate everything. I didnt want to hurt my family but like they caused me so much pain and gave me this shitty life and are not even able to be there for me when I need it. I just cant really risk a failed suicide attempt bc then I could get evicted or hospitalized. Fml

 

[Blowba]

I am very sorry for your loss , it must be very hard for you

 

[sadstargazer231]

I am very sorry for the loss of your sister and for all the pain in your life. Thank you for sharing your story here. We care.

 

[supermario]

I'm really sorry to hear your story. The only solace you can take comfort in is that your sister is hopefully happier now, in a better place.

 

[Outandproud]

Fuck your parents fuck their grief. What about you and your grief? My therapist told me, after my best friend died, that he probably would wanted for me to have a better life than he has. To be better than the last times he saw me. And i told her that I didn't told him that i loved him and he didn't either. But you know what, we already new that, we were/are disfuncional people so we understand each other without saying it. It's time to focous on you, what you want to do to feel/be better with this peace of shit life. So go for it, no apologies

 

[disillusionment]

I'm really sorry to hear your story. The only solace you can take comfort in is that your sister is hopefully happier now, in a better place.

I really hope shes at peace and in a good place. I just miss her so much. I would do anything to bring her back.

Fuck your parents fuck their grief. What about you and your grief? My therapist told me, after my best friend died, that he probably would wanted for me to have a better life than he has. To be better than the last times he saw me. And i told her that I didn't told him that i loved him and he didn't either. But you know what, we already new that, we were/are disfuncional people so we understand each other without saying it. It's time to focous on you, what you want to do to feel/be better with this peace of shit life. So go for it, no apologies

Ive just been soooo angry and crying everyday, so angry at my parents for giving my sister and I shitty lives etc. Was alrady suicidal and now all I can think about is all the trauma and anger Ive been squashing down and all I can think about is how much we failed my sister. I know my sister would want me to be happy but I feel like I definitely cant now. Just really dont want to hurt the two people I know who have always tried their best to help me and who I know would blame themselves and be so hurt if I did it. I know theyd help more if they could. Its just that the people who caused me the most pain, my parents, dont even seem to care. I wont do anything impulsive for now even tho Ive been tempted.