My sister asked if I was okay...

[TheSource]

I texted them at nearly 1 in the morning. I didn't say anything depressing. I just sent my siblings instructions for baking, with nothing to prompt it. My little sister messaged me privately asking if I was okay.

I don't know how to tell her I won't be making the family desserts for the holidays anymore...

We have a family dog at my parents' (where I live) and she lives in a different state and has her own dog. If anything were to happen to my sister or she couldn't keep the dog for some reason, I'd be the legal owner.

A few weeks ago, she asked if I could help her with introducing her dog to the family dog when they fly down for Winter break. She knows I'm suicidal, so I told her I couldn't promise her anything, because I don't know if I'll make it to Christmas. I didn't want to admit that to her, but I also didn't want to commit to helping her if I knew I wasn't gonna be there. She called me a couple times to check on me after that discussion.

I'm her only emergency contact. I'm the only person she trusts in an emergency.

She's suicidal too. We think our depression was passed down from my mom, but our mom's doesn't make her suicidal, luckily. My sister called me back in May because of suicidal ideations, and I tried to talk her down. She hasn't said "I love you" to any of us in years. I can't remember a time she's apologized for anything. It doesn't bother me. She's not very affectionate, and siblings usually say "Do you want to go get food?" instead of "I'm sorry." It's never caused an issue in our relationship. But on that phone call, she told me she loved me and apologized for being a bad sister. I was scared she wasn't gonna wake up the next morning.

But I already set my date to catch the bus. I don't know how to tell her I won't be making dessert for Thanksgiving.

 

[JoyLobo]

I've been thinking of CTB for years, I wonder if I ever will do it. The amount of preparation it would take in just deleting accounts and whatnot is overwhelming, nevermind the preparation for whatever method I choose. I want to CTB. I told my brother about my suicidal thoughts and he stopped talking to me. Apparently he just couldn't handle thinking about it according to my parents. They said he thinks whatever he says will make it worse and he's confused how anyone could feel that way. It makes me wonder what goes on in the minds of non suicidal people. How do they feel and what lives do they live? Because I have been like this for so long I can't imagine being any other way. The last time I wasn't like this was when I was like 11 or 12 maybe.

 

[TheSource]

It makes me wonder what goes on in the minds of non suicidal people. How do they feel and what lives do they live? Because I have been like this for so long I can't imagine being any other way.

I don't understand it either. My mom would never admit she has depression. She thinks saying she has it will give it to her, and refuses to acknowledge the signs and symptoms. But my immediate family has talked about it when she's not around, we all see it. It may seem like a bad thing to other people for her to not acknowledge it, but I think it's what keeps her pushing through it.

She said she's never had a suicidal thought before. It's astounding to me. Especially because we have a large family, which means a lot of funerals. She had to go to her own sister's almost 20 years ago. She died out of nowhere. She and her other siblings are still heartbroken when they think about it. They seem to think about it often.

A few weeks ago, when my friend killed herself and I pushed another away, I was bed-ridden. Mother told me, "Don't let it get to you. I know you miss her, but lying around being sorry isn't gonna bring her back. Life isn't gonna stop because of this. When my sister died, I was devastated. But I still had kids at home to take care of. And I still had a job I had to work. Life keeps going. You've gotta get yourself out of bed and go to class and do your homework. Your life keeps going."

If you weren't already suicidal, how does that not make you become suicidal?

It was meant to be encouraging, but that's not a world I want to live in. A world that doesn't take a second glance at a beautiful soul that was lost to us. A world that doesn't let the bereaved mourn. Her best friend – the friend I pushed away – still had to go to work the day she killed herself. They still had to go to school. They had to make arrangements for the funeral. I'm bewildered, astonished, and proud they're alive right now, because they're suicidal too. And the passed friend was basically their sister and their lifeline. Every moment the living one keeps going is another miracle. Whether they make the decision to CTB right now, or if they live their full lifespan, I'll always be proud of how far they made it. Their resilience is impeccable, but I digress.

How could anyone want to keep going in a world so merciless? We don't work to live, we live to work. Funerals are planned around schedules rather than the other way around. Those who are broken and beaten go ignored, and are only kicked if they get acknowledged. It makes me so angry and broken-hearted. How could you want to live in a world that doesn't care if you mourn? That doesn't care if you die?

I'm already suicidal. I was already planning to CTB. I don't know if it makes me feel better that people *can* push through a world like that, or makes me feel worse knowing they *have* to. I don't know if I feel relief knowing my mother is able to live her life after I'm gone, or worse knowing she's gonna have to go through another 30 years dealing with that grief.