Help My self-hatred has gone delusional and causing bad coping mechanisms.

[Namelesa]

kinda a sequel to this thread. Want to make a new one cus of how concerning it is now and so what to know more advice on this with newly added info about my behavior and thinking and what it has caused.

How can I actually improve as a person without feeling intense guilt for past actions or paranoia about my future actions?

One of the big things causing my suffering and my want to die is that when I make a mistake, no matter how small or big it is, I feel really really intense guilt and shame that overwhelms and consumes me. I feel worthless and hate myself for past actions and being paranoid and very anxious about...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Basically whenever I made a mistake, whether it was little or big or imagined, I would beg the person/people I made the mistake to, to hate me and hurt me back as I felt like I needed punishment to improve as a person. I feel like I need to inflict trauma onto myself for me as to make it more memorable to me to better learn from mistakes. I also felt like if I made an mistake no one should like me in that moment and so would get something out of hurting me for my actions. However people can confuse this begging as an invitation or a way to guilt them to give me sympathy and comfort which wasn't at all my intention when doing this which can mirror abuser behavior. I genuinely wasn't trying to abuse people with this behavior as I thought I was benefiting them by asking them to put their frustrations into me and making me improve but I realize I am wrong now with my thinking now with something that has happened recently.

its unintentionally caused pain onto others to the point where they don't want me anymore cus of this behavior and thinking leading me to say about killing myself in an agrument cus I fully thought I deserved it and people would agree with me. In this I was arguing for that I was unremarkable which was caused by a misunderstanding of with something someone said. I didn't listen to clarifications they gave me cus I fully believed I am to be hated and so their clarifications had to be a lies to me. I am clearly deluded for thinking this and need to change this now cus of what has happened. I know definitely not to beg for hate form others as that often got misunderstood and was annoying to people that didn't want to give me punishment. I should probably trust others more as well as to not let something like that happen again when I do something wrong and actually see the effect my supposedly bad action had on the person and what they think of me by asking just for reassurance.

However I still want to compulsorily hate myself and punish myself on my own as this self-hatred has become a maladaptive coping mechanism where I need to hate myself to feel comfort in knowing I don't repeat mistakes. Obviously this does hurt me more and some people don't want that so I really need to change this but not hating myself feels so scary. I am so paranoid of doing things wrong and feel the need to think everything now to not cause any issues. I am so terrified that if I am comfortable with myself, I will hurt others. Any choice of thinking I feel like I either hurting myself or risking others in more pain.

So yea, what's your opinions on me and my behavior?

 

[derpyderpins]

kinda a sequel to this thread. Want to make a new one cus of how concerning it is now and so what to know more advice on this with newly added info about my behavior and thinking and what it has caused.

How can I actually improve as a person without feeling intense guilt for past actions or paranoia about my future actions?

One of the big things causing my suffering and my want to die is that when I make a mistake, no matter how small or big it is, I feel really really intense guilt and shame that overwhelms and consumes me. I feel worthless and hate myself for past actions and being paranoid and very anxious about...

sanctioned-suicide.net

We had a back and forth in that thread, so I hope you don't mind me giving input again.

Basically whenever I made a mistake, whether it was little or big or imagined, I would beg the person/people I made the mistake to, to hate me and hurt me back as I felt like I needed punishment to improve as a person. I feel like I need to inflict trauma onto myself for me as to make it more memorable to me to better learn from mistakes. I also felt like if I made an mistake no one should like me in that moment and so would get something out of hurting me for my actions. However people can confuse this begging as an invitation or a way to guilt them to give me sympathy and comfort which wasn't at all my intention when doing this which can mirror abuser behavior. I genuinely wasn't trying to abuse people with this behavior as I thought I was benefiting them by asking them to put their frustrations into me and making me improve but I realize I am wrong now with my thinking now with something that has happened recently.

its unintentionally caused pain onto others to the point where they don't want me anymore cus of this behavior and thinking leading me to say about killing myself in an agrument cus I fully thought I deserved it and people would agree with me. In this I was arguing for that I was unremarkable which was caused by a misunderstanding of with something someone said. I didn't listen to clarifications they gave me cus I fully believed I am to be hated and so their clarifications had to be a lies to me. I am clearly deluded for thinking this and need to change this now cus of what has happened. I know definitely not to beg for hate form others as that often got misunderstood and was annoying to people that didn't want to give me punishment. I should probably trust others more as well as to not let something like that happen again when I do something wrong and actually see the effect my supposedly bad action had on the person and what they think of me by asking just for reassurance.

However I still want to compulsorily hate myself and punish myself on my own as this self-hatred has become a maladaptive coping mechanism where I need to hate myself to feel comfort in knowing I don't repeat mistakes. Obviously this does hurt me more and some people don't want that so I really need to change this but not hating myself feels so scary. I am so paranoid of doing things wrong and feel the need to think everything now to not cause any issues. I am so terrified that if I am comfortable with myself, I will hurt others. Any choice of thinking I feel like I either hurting myself or risking others in more pain.

So yea, what's your opinions on me and my behavior?

There's a lot here, right? Sounds like a stressful situation to say the least, with layers to unpack.

• You make a mistake
• You beg for punishment, to "improve as a person", as a corrective measure
• Also, you think that person should take pleasure in punishing you

Let's pause here. This word, like in your last post, "mistake," is at odds with punishment or purposefully inflicted trauma as corrective retribution.

A mistake is an action, decision, or judgment that produces an unwanted or unintentional result. The lack of intention is key. In law we call it mens rea because we're assholes who need codewords to confuse people, but whether you meant to hurt someone matters a lot.

And of course, you aren't talking about a crime. You're talking about a day-to-day social interaction (presumably). Household tasks, meetings, social rules. (I'm guessing). Broke a lamp, forgot we were meeting, brought up a subject I shouldn't have, forgot to close the garage door, left something on the floor and someone stubbed their toe. I'm guessing we're in that category and severity, is that about right?

Since these don't break laws, they fall under social rules we've come up with, but don't write down. Even if there's a very bad unforeseen consequence (eg, the person doesn't just stub their toe, they trip and break a bone), we've largely decided that when there is no ill-intent, such things don't even rise to the level of being a wrong committed against someone else.

That's all pedantic, but it's necessary foundation for this next part:

• People get confused when you ask for punishment for these things
• They've speculated that you actually seeking attention in this way
• Being pressured to hurt you, when they didn't want to, caused them distress

I relate to this. There was a time where I brought up killing myself and while I didn't direct it as a threat, that was the ultimate message. It is abusive, in a way. And, if I'm being honest, it was somewhat about attention.

Their distress, their confusion, is reasonable, and I think you need to try and understand why rather than just accepting it as a truth for unknown reason. That link with the definition of "mistake" gives some examples of its use:

• "I'm not blaming you - we all make mistakes."
• "It was just a silly mistake - no need to apologize."

Those are defined examples of reactions when someone makes a mistake: don't blame them, acknowledge that we all make mistakes, tell them there is no need to apologize. So, your friends began following this standard procedure, and you went to the infliction of trauma and suicide, two things considered extreme in a situation considered benign.

This is going to be some tough love, but as I said it's a lesson I've had to learn, too. Your friends were then put in a situation where they asked themselves: 'why is this person behaving in a way that is radically outside the normally expected reaction in this benign situation?' The answer to this question is often that the person wants attention. I'm not saying you were, just that they have reason to suspect it.

Now, it is okay to want attention. We're all human. We need to be loved. When we resort to not great ways to get it, that's because there is a need somewhere that is really not being met, like how when you're hungry enough you may eat food that's gone bad or something.

I think it's great that you really don't want to harm others and are trying to learn from - wait for it - mistakes. I go through every detail of your post partially because I'm autistic and have no self-control and partially because you expressed confusion, and as silly as it may be to examine the definitions of words, I find it can help when "normal" isn't making sense.

We're almost done, but I think the last things you said are super important. That you want to punish yourself as a "maladaptive coping mechanism" combined with your earlier statement that you really think you deserve this treatment.

As far as deserving hate and bad treatment, this is also something I've had to learn, but - honestly - we're probably neither special enough to deserve hate, lol. There are really especially bad people who do actually gruesome and awful things, and then most of us - even if clumsy or mistake-prone or mildly annoying - are just somewhere in the range of average. Yes, if you form relationships with others, you will both hurt each other, at least a tiny bit, at some point. That's normal, though. It was wrong for me to throw the idea of suicide out there to someone who cared about me and - even if it wasn't my exact intention - using it to influence them. I hurt them. I can say, though, I don't deserve hatred for it. I felt remorse and tried to correct, I can now accept that I deserve forgiveness. Try saying that about yourself. It's true.

But I think it's great that you acknowledge it as a coping mechanism. The fact that you want the punishment shows that it's not about correcting your bad behavior like training a lab rat. It's a form of self-harm. Emotional self-harm. In that way, unintentionally, by asking others to partake, it's like you asking them to partake in your self-harm.

That's just my long-winded take.

 

[anonymouswebuser]

kinda a sequel to this thread. Want to make a new one cus of how concerning it is now and so what to know more advice on this with newly added info about my behavior and thinking and what it has caused.

How can I actually improve as a person without feeling intense guilt for past actions or paranoia about my future actions?

One of the big things causing my suffering and my want to die is that when I make a mistake, no matter how small or big it is, I feel really really intense guilt and shame that overwhelms and consumes me. I feel worthless and hate myself for past actions and being paranoid and very anxious about...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Basically whenever I made a mistake, whether it was little or big or imagined, I would beg the person/people I made the mistake to, to hate me and hurt me back as I felt like I needed punishment to improve as a person. I feel like I need to inflict trauma onto myself for me as to make it more memorable to me to better learn from mistakes. I also felt like if I made an mistake no one should like me in that moment and so would get something out of hurting me for my actions. However people can confuse this begging as an invitation or a way to guilt them to give me sympathy and comfort which wasn't at all my intention when doing this which can mirror abuser behavior. I genuinely wasn't trying to abuse people with this behavior as I thought I was benefiting them by asking them to put their frustrations into me and making me improve but I realize I am wrong now with my thinking now with something that has happened recently.

its unintentionally caused pain onto others to the point where they don't want me anymore cus of this behavior and thinking leading me to say about killing myself in an agrument cus I fully thought I deserved it and people would agree with me. In this I was arguing for that I was unremarkable which was caused by a misunderstanding of with something someone said. I didn't listen to clarifications they gave me cus I fully believed I am to be hated and so their clarifications had to be a lies to me. I am clearly deluded for thinking this and need to change this now cus of what has happened. I know definitely not to beg for hate form others as that often got misunderstood and was annoying to people that didn't want to give me punishment. I should probably trust others more as well as to not let something like that happen again when I do something wrong and actually see the effect my supposedly bad action had on the person and what they think of me by asking just for reassurance.

However I still want to compulsorily hate myself and punish myself on my own as this self-hatred has become a maladaptive coping mechanism where I need to hate myself to feel comfort in knowing I don't repeat mistakes. Obviously this does hurt me more and some people don't want that so I really need to change this but not hating myself feels so scary. I am so paranoid of doing things wrong and feel the need to think everything now to not cause any issues. I am so terrified that if I am comfortable with myself, I will hurt others. Any choice of thinking I feel like I either hurting myself or risking others in more pain.

So yea, what's your opinions on me and my behavior?

you've put a lot of thought into your behavior and its impact both on yourself and others and that level of self-reflection is not easy. what you've described shows a history of trying to hold yourself accountable but in a way that has spiraled into self-destruction and unintentional harm to others. that's important to acknowledge not to shame you but to help you separate intent from impact

what you've been doing —begging for hate, inviting punishment, and contemplating suicide as a form of accountability— isn't justice it's trauma reenactment. you're trying to process guilt by turning yourself into a scapegoat. it feels like it's about fairness, but it's actually about survival specifically surviving a world where you've internalized the idea that mistakes mean you lose love, safety, or worth

here's a little truth:
punishment doesn't always equal growth when it's consistent, damaging your life and without a little time to think about your mistake and how to hold accountability in another way, it just reinforces fear and the desire to never commit a mistake ever again (which is impossible)


what you're doing is trying to self-regulate in the only way you currently trust (through pain) you equate suffering with learning, and that's understandable if somewhere along the way you were taught that love or value is conditional on being flawless or on self-sacrifice but this pattern of hyper-accountability is not sustainable, not fair to yourself and not effective in the long run
the people around you aren't looking for a martyr, they want connection

and as for your fear of being comfortable with yourself when you've associated comfort with danger—when confidence feels like the first step toward slipping up—it's hard to imagine self-trust not ending in regret but comfort and complacency aren't the same thing you can accept yourself without excusing harmful behavior
also i'm sure if someone you care about was in your place you wouldn't really want them hurting themselves over all mistakes like this but instead try to connect and find a solution another way


and a final perspective:
you're not irredeemable. you're not evil. you're someone trying (too hard perhaps) to never do harm. but ironically in trying to never hurt anyone again you're hurting yourself and driving people away. that means the solution isn't doubling down on self-punishment it's learning to trust your ability to repair and to grow without violence (internal or external)

 

[Namelesa]

We had a back and forth in that thread, so I hope you don't mind me giving input again.

nah don't mind at all. I am probably more able to listen now as I totally realize this way of thinking is going nowhere.

We had a back and forth in that thread, so I hope you don't mind me giving input again.





There's a lot here, right? Sounds like a stressful situation to say the least, with layers to unpack.

• You make a mistake
• You beg for punishment, to "improve as a person", as a corrective measure
• Also, you think that person should take pleasure in punishing you

Let's pause here. This word, like in your last post, "mistake," is at odds with punishment or purposefully inflicted trauma as corrective retribution.

A mistake is an action, decision, or judgment that produces an unwanted or unintentional result. The lack of intention is key. In law we call it mens rea because we're assholes who need codewords to confuse people, but whether you meant to hurt someone matters a lot.

And of course, you aren't talking about a crime. You're talking about a day-to-day social interaction (presumably). Household tasks, meetings, social rules. (I'm guessing). Broke a lamp, forgot we were meeting, brought up a subject I shouldn't have, forgot to close the garage door, left something on the floor and someone stubbed their toe. I'm guessing we're in that category and severity, is that about right?

Since these don't break laws, they fall under social rules we've come up with, but don't write down. Even if there's a very bad unforeseen consequence (eg, the person doesn't just stub their toe, they trip and break a bone), we've largely decided that when there is no ill-intent, such things don't even rise to the level of being a wrong committed against someone else.

That's all pedantic, but it's necessary foundation for this next part:

• People get confused when you ask for punishment for these things
• They've speculated that you actually seeking attention in this way
• Being pressured to hurt you, when they didn't want to, caused them distress

I relate to this. There was a time where I brought up killing myself and while I didn't direct it as a threat, that was the ultimate message. It is abusive, in a way. And, if I'm being honest, it was somewhat about attention.

Their distress, their confusion, is reasonable, and I think you need to try and understand why rather than just accepting it as a truth for unknown reason. That link with the definition of "mistake" gives some examples of its use:

• "I'm not blaming you - we all make mistakes."
• "It was just a silly mistake - no need to apologize."

Those are defined examples of reactions when someone makes a mistake: don't blame them, acknowledge that we all make mistakes, tell them there is no need to apologize. So, your friends began following this standard procedure, and you went to the infliction of trauma and suicide, two things considered extreme in a situation considered benign.

This is going to be some tough love, but as I said it's a lesson I've had to learn, too. Your friends were then put in a situation where they asked themselves: 'why is this person behaving in a way that is radically outside the normally expected reaction in this benign situation?' The answer to this question is often that the person wants attention. I'm not saying you were, just that they have reason to suspect it.

Now, it is okay to want attention. We're all human. We need to be loved. When we resort to not great ways to get it, that's because there is a need somewhere that is really not being met, like how when you're hungry enough you may eat food that's gone bad or something.

I think it's great that you really don't want to harm others and are trying to learn from - wait for it - mistakes. I go through every detail of your post partially because I'm autistic and have no self-control and partially because you expressed confusion, and as silly as it may be to examine the definitions of words, I find it can help when "normal" isn't making sense.

We're almost done, but I think the last things you said are super important. That you want to punish yourself as a "maladaptive coping mechanism" combined with your earlier statement that you really think you deserve this treatment.

As far as deserving hate and bad treatment, this is also something I've had to learn, but - honestly - we're probably neither special enough to deserve hate, lol. There are really especially bad people who do actually gruesome and awful things, and then most of us - even if clumsy or mistake-prone or mildly annoying - are just somewhere in the range of average. Yes, if you form relationships with others, you will both hurt each other, at least a tiny bit, at some point. That's normal, though. It was wrong for me to throw the idea of suicide out there to someone who cared about me and - even if it wasn't my exact intention - using it to influence them. I hurt them. I can say, though, I don't deserve hatred for it. I felt remorse and tried to correct, I can now accept that I deserve forgiveness. Try saying that about yourself. It's true.

But I think it's great that you acknowledge it as a coping mechanism. The fact that you want the punishment shows that it's not about correcting your bad behavior like training a lab rat. It's a form of self-harm. Emotional self-harm. In that way, unintentionally, by asking others to partake, it's like you asking them to partake in your self-harm.

That's just my long-winded take.

Thank you for explaining all of this and giving me more insight <3

I will definitely say it is part coping in how to deal with my guilt but it is also about correcting my behavior as I think punishment is the best way I see to be able to improve myself and that I need to learn to not have other leave or no longer want me.

you've put a lot of thought into your behavior and its impact both on yourself and others and that level of self-reflection is not easy. what you've described shows a history of trying to hold yourself accountable but in a way that has spiraled into self-destruction and unintentional harm to others. that's important to acknowledge not to shame you but to help you separate intent from impact

what you've been doing —begging for hate, inviting punishment, and contemplating suicide as a form of accountability— isn't justice it's trauma reenactment. you're trying to process guilt by turning yourself into a scapegoat. it feels like it's about fairness, but it's actually about survival specifically surviving a world where you've internalized the idea that mistakes mean you lose love, safety, or worth

here's a little truth:
punishment doesn't always equal growth when it's consistent, damaging your life and without a little time to think about your mistake and how to hold accountability in another way, it just reinforces fear and the desire to never commit a mistake ever again (which is impossible)


what you're doing is trying to self-regulate in the only way you currently trust (through pain) you equate suffering with learning, and that's understandable if somewhere along the way you were taught that love or value is conditional on being flawless or on self-sacrifice but this pattern of hyper-accountability is not sustainable, not fair to yourself and not effective in the long run
the people around you aren't looking for a martyr, they want connection

and as for your fear of being comfortable with yourself when you've associated comfort with danger—when confidence feels like the first step toward slipping up—it's hard to imagine self-trust not ending in regret but comfort and complacency aren't the same thing you can accept yourself without excusing harmful behavior
also i'm sure if someone you care about was in your place you wouldn't really want them hurting themselves over all mistakes like this but instead try to connect and find a solution another way


and a final perspective:
you're not irredeemable. you're not evil. you're someone trying (too hard perhaps) to never do harm. but ironically in trying to never hurt anyone again you're hurting yourself and driving people away. that means the solution isn't doubling down on self-punishment it's learning to trust your ability to repair and to grow without violence (internal or external)

Thank you to you too <3

Okay yea this totally explains me. I equate suffering with learning from that whenever I made a mistake with school, teachers would be angry or disappointed in me and I couldn't handle at all, especially if they made me suffer more if detention which I wanted to avoid at all costs so I get home quicker and not be in the stressful environment that is school. I also see me only being valuable from being flawless and from self-sacrifice as so many people left me in my life so I have tried to do whatever I can do to prevent that from happening by doing as much as I can. This makes me worry so much about failure and I felt like the only way to prevent it is from more fear, especially when it came to make me do things which I shouldn't do as it would hurt others or something I don't want to do but other people would like me doing it. This fear motivates me to not make the mistake again and think more carefully about what I do.

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

kinda a sequel to this thread. Want to make a new one cus of how concerning it is now and so what to know more advice on this with newly added info about my behavior and thinking and what it has caused.

How can I actually improve as a person without feeling intense guilt for past actions or paranoia about my future actions?

One of the big things causing my suffering and my want to die is that when I make a mistake, no matter how small or big it is, I feel really really intense guilt and shame that overwhelms and consumes me. I feel worthless and hate myself for past actions and being paranoid and very anxious about...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Basically whenever I made a mistake, whether it was little or big or imagined, I would beg the person/people I made the mistake to, to hate me and hurt me back as I felt like I needed punishment to improve as a person. I feel like I need to inflict trauma onto myself for me as to make it more memorable to me to better learn from mistakes. I also felt like if I made an mistake no one should like me in that moment and so would get something out of hurting me for my actions. However people can confuse this begging as an invitation or a way to guilt them to give me sympathy and comfort which wasn't at all my intention when doing this which can mirror abuser behavior. I genuinely wasn't trying to abuse people with this behavior as I thought I was benefiting them by asking them to put their frustrations into me and making me improve but I realize I am wrong now with my thinking now with something that has happened recently.

its unintentionally caused pain onto others to the point where they don't want me anymore cus of this behavior and thinking leading me to say about killing myself in an agrument cus I fully thought I deserved it and people would agree with me. In this I was arguing for that I was unremarkable which was caused by a misunderstanding of with something someone said. I didn't listen to clarifications they gave me cus I fully believed I am to be hated and so their clarifications had to be a lies to me. I am clearly deluded for thinking this and need to change this now cus of what has happened. I know definitely not to beg for hate form others as that often got misunderstood and was annoying to people that didn't want to give me punishment. I should probably trust others more as well as to not let something like that happen again when I do something wrong and actually see the effect my supposedly bad action had on the person and what they think of me by asking just for reassurance.

However I still want to compulsorily hate myself and punish myself on my own as this self-hatred has become a maladaptive coping mechanism where I need to hate myself to feel comfort in knowing I don't repeat mistakes. Obviously this does hurt me more and some people don't want that so I really need to change this but not hating myself feels so scary. I am so paranoid of doing things wrong and feel the need to think everything now to not cause any issues. I am so terrified that if I am comfortable with myself, I will hurt others. Any choice of thinking I feel like I either hurting myself or risking others in more pain.

So yea, what's your opinions on me and my behavior?

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Jokes aside, I kinda get it and while that's easily one of the most annoying behaviors I can think of a person having, as long as they're willing to work past that, I still see hope for them. Then again, I've always been the most nurturing person in my friend group despite also being the biggest hardass. I want people to be confident and strong despite their flaws, and I'm generally willing to work with most people who are able to handle the fire I try to give them.

 

[The Actual Devil]

Would you care to unpack the origins of this behavior? Perhaps there is something to be learned from how it started. I know you touched on it in your prequel post, but would you feel comfortable talking about the exact origins of it? Like, what was the very first time you felt this way about yourself? What was the catalyst? Was there someone in your life who committed extreme guilt-tripping upon you? A parent, sibling, or teacher, maybe?
I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm asking you to lie on my chaise lounge while I sit in a leather chair taking notes, but sometimes understanding our own origins can unlock the path to healing.​

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

Yeah, guilt-tripping is something I experienced in my early years, either imagined or not, and I know how it makes you completely intolerant of mistakes, either yours or others'. However, mine doesn't come to the point I ask for punishment. In my worst moments, I just say "I'm sorry" repeatedly begging for forgiveness.

While it is unhealthy to outright ask for punishment, maybe there are environments or situations where this could be carried safely? I'm not saying it is the ideal solution, but maybe it is an option?

 

[Namelesa]

Would you care to unpack the origins of this behavior? Perhaps there is something to be learned from how it started. I know you touched on it in your prequel post, but would you feel comfortable talking about the exact origins of it? Like, what was the very first time you felt this way about yourself? What was the catalyst? Was there someone in your life who committed extreme guilt-tripping upon you? A parent, sibling, or teacher, maybe?
I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm asking you to lie on my chaise lounge while I sit in a leather chair taking notes, but sometimes understanding our own origins can unlock the path to healing.​

Honestly I started this exact behavior of begging for hate like a year ago in a response to improve as a person from previous really harmful actions of mine in the past as I saw i immediately changed from those cus of the negative consequences so I thought to apply that to little mistakes too by asking for punishment so I can be good as possible which I think is needed so people don't leave me.

A part of it is well is i feel intense guilt from any mistake and I often express it due to how emotional i am but I worried about using it for sympathy so I thought a better way of expressing it is to genuinely beg for hate and punishment so i am not manipulating the people who were negative effected to comfort me.

Some other info about where this came from was in my 2nd post of this thread.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

Oh, dear...you don't need to be as good as possible for people to leave or not. It's not a question of how you behave...people are just assholes sometimes, for whatever reason, and want others to act a certain way to fulfill their desires. They're controlling and will never accept you for who you are.

You don't need to be beaten into the shape others expect of you. People should accept your flaws as we accept others'. I've never felt the need to hug and tell everything is going to be okay to someone so much, @Namelesa. You seem just...so desperate for affection, and I can relate, as I also tried to do the same as you to make people like me. Truth is, people who like you like you, and people who don't, don't, and you should only change if it's for your own sake, not others.

*hugs* It's okay, I understand, here's some genuine love.

 

[The Actual Devil]

Honestly I started this exact behavior of begging for hate like a year ago in a response to improve as a person from previous really harmful actions of mine in the past as I saw i immediately changed from those cus of the negative consequences so I thought to apply that to little mistakes too by asking for punishment so I can be good as possible which I think is needed so people don't leave me.

A part of it is well is i feel intense guilt from any mistake and I often express it due to how emotional i am but I worried about using it for sympathy so I thought a better way of expressing it is to genuinely beg for hate and punishment while not manipulating the people who were negative effected to comfort me.

Some other info about where this came from was in my 2nd post of this thread.

As for your last sentence, I was wondering how young you were, back then. Idk what year detention becomes a possible punishment there, so I didn't have a mental timeframe to work with you.

So, besides the comparatively subtle origins, it's quite a recent behavior change, then. And I can tell this is difficult to talk about, so I don't want to push you on the exact cause.
May I ask you if the person you say you hurt is still in your life? It's okay if not.

The fact that you are worried about whether or not you are manipulating anyone with your emotions tells us a truth that is easy to hear, but hard to accept:
You aren't. You aren't manipulating anyone.
This might sound like I'm oversimplifying a complicated issue, but the very fact that you are honestly introspecting about this means you are a good, empathetic person.
True manipulators never even question their righteousness. They are incapable of introspection. Empathy and introspection come hand-in-hand, never one without the other.

Does it feel like your emotions are too big for your body at these times?
Do you think learning how to express your emotions healthily before they build up would help?

 

[Namelesa]

As for your last sentence, I was wondering how young you were, back then. Idk what year detention becomes a possible punishment there, so I didn't have a mental timeframe to work with you.

So, besides the comparatively subtle origins, it's quite a recent behavior change, then. And I can tell this is difficult to talk about, so I don't want to push you on the exact cause.
May I ask you if the person you say you hurt is still in your life? It's okay if not.

The fact that you are worried about whether or not you are manipulating anyone with your emotions tells us a truth that is easy to hear, but hard to accept:
You aren't. You aren't manipulating anyone.
This might sound like I'm oversimplifying a complicated issue, but the very fact that you are honestly introspecting about this means you are a good, empathetic person.
True manipulators never even question their righteousness. They are incapable of introspection. Empathy and introspection come hand-in-hand, never one without the other.

Does it feel like your emotions are too big for your body at these times?
Do you think learning how to express your emotions healthily before they build up would help?

Detention only started being a thing in secondary school so i was at least 12 at that time. Still before that i was scared of teachers or dad being angry at me.

The person i hurt isn't much in life at this point. They still care about me a lot and would want to be in my life more but cus of pressure from others, they less able to interact with me. This pressure happened cus of my actions.

Thank you <3

Yea my emotions feel so much bigger than my body. The thing is I always express my emotions if i am able to but it still builds up. I just really really emotional and can't handle much at all.

 

[The Actual Devil]

Detention only started being a thing in secondary school so i was at least 12 at that time. Still before that i was scared of teachers or dad being angry at me.

Was there a fear of corporal punishment? Or of being a disappointment? I hate to pick at this, but overall, your desire for punishment sounds similar to fawning.

The person i hurt isn't much in life at this point. They still care about me a lot and would want to be in my life more but cus of pressure from others, they less able to interact with me. This pressure happened cus of my actions.

This sounds like an excellent opportunity to exercise some letter-writing. Old-fashioned pen and paper, an envelope, and as many drafts as you need.
Give them the apology you've been stuck on. Tell them how the falling out has affected you. Tell them what you'd like your future relationship with them to be like. Bear your soul, lie, curse them, beg them, plead, and refute. Get all these emotions out, and, as I implied, make some up. If you aren't mad at them, just start a letter pretending you are: you'll be surprised where a forced prompt takes you.
Oh, don't send any of them. No, just keep writing until one of them feels perfect. You'll know what contents to include in the final draft. After that, you could mail it, trust someone to hand it to them, hand it to them yourself (if the opportunity presents itself), or just stuff it away. Actually making amends isn't always part of healing: the process of attempting to is.

Thank you <3

My pleasure, as always. :-]

Yea my emotions feel so much bigger than my body. The thing is I always express my emotions if i am able to but it still builds up. I just really really emotional and can't handle much at all.

This one is tricky. We all need positive, regular outlets for our emotions. Someone just necroed the Meditation Mega Thread, which includes mindfulness exercises as well. Though I would believe it if you told me you've already tried that stuff, in which case, we can brainstorm other ideas together.
But at the same time, your emotions seem to be rising suddenly, in anticipation of something terrible. That sounds like a form of anxiety, or it is at least closely related enough that anxiety coping skills could help. Even anger management techniques would probably help. The trouble with all of that stuff is that, in the heat of the moment, we aren't always rational enough to use them. But it's a process. The more you practice and think about using those skills, the more likely it is that you'll be able to use them when it matters. Use them over small issues, so they become a habit.
I like the breathing techniques for you, because it will keep your mouth busy so that you aren't saying anything regrettable.

 

[Namelesa]

Was there a fear of corporal punishment? Or of being a disappointment? I hate to pick at this, but overall, your desire for punishment sounds similar to fawning.

When we mean corporal do we mean physical? cus no physical harm was done to me. It was just fear of disappointment or being shouted at.

This sounds like an excellent opportunity to exercise some letter-writing. Old-fashioned pen and paper, an envelope, and as many drafts as you need.
Give them the apology you've been stuck on. Tell them how the falling out has affected you. Tell them what you'd like your future relationship with them to be like. Bear your soul, lie, curse them, beg them, plead, and refute. Get all these emotions out, and, as I implied, make some up. If you aren't mad at them, just start a letter pretending you are: you'll be surprised where a forced prompt takes you.
Oh, don't send any of them. No, just keep writing until one of them feels perfect. You'll know what contents to include in the final draft. After that, you could mail it, trust someone to hand it to them, hand it to them yourself (if the opportunity presents itself), or just stuff it away. Actually making amends isn't always part of healing: the process of attempting to is.

Okie I guess I will give this a try, why not hehehe.

It feels weird and immoral and not really me to write something sounding mad at them. I just feel like I am allowing this immoral thinking to take over my mind a little by writing like that and its definitely going sound manipulative. Tho they not going to see that so won't no harm i guess.

This one is tricky. We all need positive, regular outlets for our emotions. Someone just necroed the Meditation Mega Thread, which includes mindfulness exercises as well. Though I would believe it if you told me you've already tried that stuff, in which case, we can brainstorm other ideas together.
But at the same time, your emotions seem to be rising suddenly, in anticipation of something terrible. That sounds like a form of anxiety, or it is at least closely related enough that anxiety coping skills could help. Even anger management techniques would probably help. The trouble with all of that stuff is that, in the heat of the moment, we aren't always rational enough to use them. But it's a process. The more you practice and think about using those skills, the more likely it is that you'll be able to use them when it matters. Use them over small issues, so they become a habit.
I like the breathing techniques for you, because it will keep your mouth busy so that you aren't saying anything regrettable.

I have already tried meditation before and while it was useful at first, the more I did it, the less effect it had on me, even with different ones, until it wasn't really helping and just delaying the inevitable. Same with the anxiety coping skills. I have done those too and in the heat of the moment as well but it gets too tiring and just delays overwhelming emotions taking over me.

I am so emotionally weak hehehe.

 

[The Actual Devil]

It was just fear of disappointment or being shouted at.

Those are still valid fears. Conditioning during childhood can result in unhealthy coping mechanisms following us into adulthood.

Tho they not going to see that so won't no harm i guess.

Yeah, you can shred them up as soon as you go to do something else if you're worried about anyone finding them.
It's just meant to be an exercise, so yeah, if you aren't actually mad, just get as far as the writing prompt takes you: it's like Tumblr or other websites that give you writing prompts, and you just force yourself to try. You never know, you might connect with a repressed emotion and learn something about yourself.

I have already tried meditation before and while it was useful at first, the more I did it, the less effect it had on me, even with different ones, until it wasn't really helping and just delaying the inevitable. Same with the anxiety coping skills. I have done those too and in the heat of the moment as well but it gets too tiring and just delays overwhelming emotions taking over me

I felt that. I really did. Outbursts of self-loathing come from an angry place. Those skills I mentioned fell short for me, too, when I began my anger management path. I didn't want to assume you'd tried without me asking you first.
So for AM you need an entire holistic approach. It sounds cliche, but exercise helps--if for nothing else than to relieve pent-up stress and emotions--and talking about it. Frequently. Anger management is a crapshoot, full of bad advice, but I'm happy to help you find something that sticks. Even if we abandon the "treat it like AM" scheme and go an entirely different route.

Thank you <3

Oh, and jsyk, when my screen reader reads the "<3", for whatever reason it says "Love", so "Thank you <3" sounds like "Thank you, Love" and it makes you sound proper posh, hehe. <3