Namelesa
Trapped in this Suffering
- Sep 21, 2024
- 1,621
kinda a sequel to this thread. Want to make a new one cus of how concerning it is now and so what to know more advice on this with newly added info about my behavior and thinking and what it has caused.
sanctioned-suicide.net
Basically whenever I made a mistake, whether it was little or big or imagined, I would beg the person/people I made the mistake to, to hate me and hurt me back as I felt like I needed punishment to improve as a person. I feel like I need to inflict trauma onto myself for me as to make it more memorable to me to better learn from mistakes. I also felt like if I made an mistake no one should like me in that moment and so would get something out of hurting me for my actions. However people can confuse this begging as an invitation or a way to guilt them to give me sympathy and comfort which wasn't at all my intention when doing this which can mirror abuser behavior. I genuinely wasn't trying to abuse people with this behavior as I thought I was benefiting them by asking them to put their frustrations into me and making me improve but I realize I am wrong now with my thinking now with something that has happened recently.
its unintentionally caused pain onto others to the point where they don't want me anymore cus of this behavior and thinking leading me to say about killing myself in an agrument cus I fully thought I deserved it and people would agree with me. In this I was arguing for that I was unremarkable which was caused by a misunderstanding of with something someone said. I didn't listen to clarifications they gave me cus I fully believed I am to be hated and so their clarifications had to be a lies to me. I am clearly deluded for thinking this and need to change this now cus of what has happened. I know definitely not to beg for hate form others as that often got misunderstood and was annoying to people that didn't want to give me punishment. I should probably trust others more as well as to not let something like that happen again when I do something wrong and actually see the effect my supposedly bad action had on the person and what they think of me by asking just for reassurance.
However I still want to compulsorily hate myself and punish myself on my own as this self-hatred has become a maladaptive coping mechanism where I need to hate myself to feel comfort in knowing I don't repeat mistakes. Obviously this does hurt me more and some people don't want that so I really need to change this but not hating myself feels so scary. I am so paranoid of doing things wrong and feel the need to think everything now to not cause any issues. I am so terrified that if I am comfortable with myself, I will hurt others. Any choice of thinking I feel like I either hurting myself or risking others in more pain.
So yea, what's your opinions on me and my behavior?
How can I actually improve as a person without feeling intense guilt for past actions or paranoia about my future actions?
One of the big things causing my suffering and my want to die is that when I make a mistake, no matter how small or big it is, I feel really really intense guilt and shame that overwhelms and consumes me. I feel worthless and hate myself for past actions and being paranoid and very anxious about...
sanctioned-suicide.net
Basically whenever I made a mistake, whether it was little or big or imagined, I would beg the person/people I made the mistake to, to hate me and hurt me back as I felt like I needed punishment to improve as a person. I feel like I need to inflict trauma onto myself for me as to make it more memorable to me to better learn from mistakes. I also felt like if I made an mistake no one should like me in that moment and so would get something out of hurting me for my actions. However people can confuse this begging as an invitation or a way to guilt them to give me sympathy and comfort which wasn't at all my intention when doing this which can mirror abuser behavior. I genuinely wasn't trying to abuse people with this behavior as I thought I was benefiting them by asking them to put their frustrations into me and making me improve but I realize I am wrong now with my thinking now with something that has happened recently.
its unintentionally caused pain onto others to the point where they don't want me anymore cus of this behavior and thinking leading me to say about killing myself in an agrument cus I fully thought I deserved it and people would agree with me. In this I was arguing for that I was unremarkable which was caused by a misunderstanding of with something someone said. I didn't listen to clarifications they gave me cus I fully believed I am to be hated and so their clarifications had to be a lies to me. I am clearly deluded for thinking this and need to change this now cus of what has happened. I know definitely not to beg for hate form others as that often got misunderstood and was annoying to people that didn't want to give me punishment. I should probably trust others more as well as to not let something like that happen again when I do something wrong and actually see the effect my supposedly bad action had on the person and what they think of me by asking just for reassurance.
However I still want to compulsorily hate myself and punish myself on my own as this self-hatred has become a maladaptive coping mechanism where I need to hate myself to feel comfort in knowing I don't repeat mistakes. Obviously this does hurt me more and some people don't want that so I really need to change this but not hating myself feels so scary. I am so paranoid of doing things wrong and feel the need to think everything now to not cause any issues. I am so terrified that if I am comfortable with myself, I will hurt others. Any choice of thinking I feel like I either hurting myself or risking others in more pain.
So yea, what's your opinions on me and my behavior?
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