Venting My roommate said she would rather have me die than leave her

[puella]

I had opened up a little to my roommate about my suicidal ideation the past few months. To my surprise, she was actually very understanding. I told her about my plan B: to CTB if nothing else worked. She has been supportive and helpful to talk to. She even bought me first aid supplies so I could cut safely.

But today I suggested moving back to my hometown. I've been overwhelmed, and I'm not finding the medical (mental health and gender affirming care) help I was hoping for here. She got incredibly angry with me after this.

She knows I have a method to CTB in my hometown. So she made a call, and the police showed up to do a wellness check on me. I was upset—I felt stupid for telling her too much—but I understood her concern. I talked to the officers and did not get put in a psychiatric hold.

But she was still upset at me. She said I didn't have her permission to go to my hometown. She told me I was being selfish and not thinking about how bad she would feel. And then she told me that, if I left her, she would rather have me kill myself than recover on my own and ruin our friendship.

Now I feel even more strongly about needing to leave. Not just because I'm giving up on there being resources here to help me, but because I don't know if I trust her anymore.

What do you think? I know it must be very stressful to have a friend talk to you about a subject like suicide. Are these reasonable actions to take for someone under a lot of stress, or should I be worried?

 

[LeafOnTheWind]

Don't tell anymore to that person, just from reading seems to want control in any form. Say was just mood all fine now and get away or distance from, no offense but might wake up with person standing over you watching you sleep eventually:(

 

[Daughter of Sorrow]

You need to get the fuck out of there. Like, start packing and leaving right now. If you're going to CTB it's your fucking choice. No one else gets to make that. No one else gets to force that. To CTB is the last and ultimate choice anyone has.

It sounds like you want help. That's your choice. And I hope you find something that works, that things improve. You see, when I was suicidal I wanted help, too. I got some, but through that journey, CTB was always there as a "break glass in emergency" option. It was soothing to know I had that choice. And you'll still have that choice always.

But fuck this bitch if she's trying to control you like that. This is the first thread on this site that I have read that made me furious.

 

[venomousSSërpent74]

Your friend sounds backwards it's not her choice to tell you what to do and decide what you should do leave asap and I hope you get the help your looking for.we will be here for you if it doesen't go as planned in your last moments i wish you the best.

 

[Blurry_Buildings]

To me it sounded like your friend was purposely trying to keep you with them at all costs (as a way of preventing your suicide) because they believe you are going to commit suicide if you go to your hometown.


I might be misreading the situation but her saying she'd rather have you kill yourself than leave could be:
a) A strategy to attempt to keep you in her vicinity while they think you are at risk of suicide (it is infinitely easier to prevent a suicide when the person you care about lives with you - especially when you are the only one who knows)

b) An angry outburst that she didn't really mean

c) A combination of both (if things got heated I can imagine anyone screwing up the wording when trying to keep a friend nearby)

d) Your friend is actually incredibly narcissistic and you have found yourself playing the real life platonic yandere simulator 2000 (my sincere condolences)

If they know you have a method at your hometown and you've already told them that you are 1) planning on suicide if things don't work out and 2) want to go home to the location where you have a method to ctb ready because you are feeling overwhelmed - then I feel like they may have connected the dots (maybe incorrectly so) and scrambled to do whatever they could to stop it.

I have no way of knowing, but in my humble opinion based off of what I read, it is likely option "c" above. If you find this to be the case, I think you have an incredibly caring friend. Even if they are working against your suicide and your wishes (and maybe accidentally said the wrong thing), most people (at least in my experience) don't have friends that deep/ caring.

That being said I am sorry if I am misreading the situation. If you do not have any friends in your hometown and would be staying with parents, I could see it being much more isolating and emotionally taxing if you have a rough relationship with them, but its hard to say anything specific.
----
May I ask if there is no other alternative to this? I have no idea where you live obviously but are online doctors/ therapists (and mail- delivered medication) a bad idea for your situation? Perhaps there is a way to talk through this so you could return to your hometown while saving the relationship with your friend?

And are you absolutely sure that returning to your hometown will be better for your emotional and physical health? (I've heard of other people's "returns" not going so great but I know every situation is different)

If you know that going to your hometown is what you need to do and are certain you can not get care (mental or physical) nearby wherever you are, I would do what you feel like you need to do for yourself. (Sorry that response was a mess lol I hope it helped somehow)

You need to get the fuck out of there. Like, start packing and leaving right now. If you're going to CTB it's your fucking choice. No one else gets to make that. No one else gets to force that. To CTB is the last and ultimate choice anyone has.

It sounds like you want help. That's your choice. And I hope you find something that works, that things improve. You see, when I was suicidal I wanted help, too. I got some, but through that journey, CTB was always there as a "break glass in emergency" option. It was soothing to know I had that choice. And you'll still have that choice always.

But fuck this bitch if she's trying to control you like that. This is the first thread on this site that I have read that made me furious.

Well shit lmao

I might've misread the situation


I mean to me it sounded like the friend knew she was suicidal and y'know probably was pro-life but genuinely cared about her as a person (not just like fake platitudes care) and just got panicked, but maybe I was wrong. Everyone in my life would try to control me if they knew I was suicidal, but I still care about them and they still care about me. In my opinion no one can really prevent you from suicide, but most will try.


Maybe I just don't have enough real friends to know though

 

[HollowDrop]

She said I didn't have her permission to go to my hometown. She told me I was being selfish and not thinking about how bad she would feel. And then she told me that, if I left her, she would rather have me kill myself than recover on my own and ruin our friendship.

Major red flags. Why does she think you moving somewhere else is going to ruin your friendship? Why does she speak of you needing "her permission" like she owns you. This is controlling behavior. Real friendship doesn't go anywhere just because people get distance between them.
Only way I'd make sense of this is if she has feelings for you and is mentally overreacting because of it, otherwise she's just awfully controlling. Please get yourself away from her when you can. Everyone needs their freedom.

 

[puella]

Don't tell anymore to that person, just from reading seems to want control in any form. Say was just mood all fine now and get away or distance from

I definitely won't be saying any more about suicide, SH, or depression. It's obvious that the topics are too heavy for her.

---

If you're going to CTB it's your fucking choice. No one else gets to make that. No one else gets to force that. To CTB is the last and ultimate choice anyone has.

I agree. It was scary to see her act like this, even if it was out of emotions like worry or frustration. I don't want her involved in my decision to CTB. Especially not if she pushes me towards CTB.

---

I hope you get the help your looking for.we will be here for you if it doesen't go as planned in your last moments i wish you the best.

Thank you so much.

---

To me it sounded like your friend was purposely trying to keep you with them at all costs (as a way of preventing your suicide) because they believe you are going to commit suicide if you go to your hometown.


I might be misreading the situation but her saying she'd rather have you kill yourself than leave could be:
a) A strategy to attempt to keep you in her vicinity while they think you are at risk of suicide (it is infinitely easier to prevent a suicide when the person you care about lives with you - especially when you are the only one who knows)

b) An angry outburst that she didn't really mean

c) A combination of both (if things got heated I can imagine anyone screwing up the wording when trying to keep a friend nearby)

d) Your friend is actually incredibly narcissistic and you have found yourself playing the real life platonic yandere simulator 2000 (my sincere condolences)

If they know you have a method at your hometown and you've already told them that you are 1) planning on suicide if things don't work out and 2) want to go home to the location where you have a method to ctb ready because you are feeling overwhelmed - then I feel like they may have connected the dots (maybe incorrectly so) and scrambled to do whatever they could to stop it.

I have no way of knowing, but in my humble opinion based off of what I read, it is likely option "c" above. If you find this to be the case, I think you have an incredibly caring friend. Even if they are working against your suicide and your wishes (and maybe accidentally said the wrong thing), most people (at least in my experience) don't have friends that deep/ caring.

It didn't seem like a strategic plan to help me; she was acting erratic. Slamming doors, yelling at me, and crying.

She cares about me a lot. I appreciate her so, so much because of this. But I think she was more worried about herself in this case. She focused on the ways me leaving would hurt her for most of the conversation. She says she needs me to keep her company, to cook her food, and do the chores. She made it seem like me leaving would ruin her life and make her hate me, even though I would be fine with remaining friends after moving.

And are you absolutely sure that returning to your hometown will be better for your emotional and physical health? (I've heard of other people's "returns" not going so great but I know every situation is different)

I don't think so. I couldn't make any progress in my hometown, which is why I moved to this city. My plan is to CTB. I've mostly given up on recovery.

---

Major red flags. Why does she think you moving somewhere else is going to ruin your friendship? Why does she speak of you needing "her permission" like she owns you. This is controlling behavior. Real friendship doesn't go anywhere just because people get distance between them.

She pays my portion of the rent here ($2800/mo), and has helped me a lot with money for food, a bed, a laptop, and most things I've needed. She says I'm not allowed to leave because it would be ungrateful to cause her problems with the lease when I'm not contributing.

I don't know why she thinks me moving would ruin our friendship. I tried to assure her it wouldn't change how I feel, but she said it wouldn't be okay.

Only way I'd make sense of this is if she has feelings for you and is mentally overreacting because of it, otherwise she's just awfully controlling. Please get yourself away from her when you can. Everyone needs their freedom.

I think she definitely feels attachment to me that would be unhealthy for a regular friendship. I don't know how to describe it. I talked to her about it before I moved, since I felt like she was jealous of my girlfriend. But I feel like it's gotten worse since I've moved. These are her words on it:

"sometimes i feel like i care about you like, quite intensely, like perhaps more than a best friend or favorite sister but id say tbh more like

in between like favorite best friend and significant other

if that makes any sense
not sure what to call that
hard to attach labels

but obv i dont have (and never previously had) romantic/sexual thoughts ofc as i'm not lesbian and would never dream of spooning/kissing/romantically cuddling obviously"

I don't really know what to think, and I also don't care. All I want is a healthy and normal friendship. I've friendzoned her every time it feels off.

 

[HollowDrop]

I think she definitely feels attachment to me that would be unhealthy for a regular friendship. I don't know how to describe it. I talked to her about it before I moved, since I felt like she was jealous of my girlfriend. But I feel like it's gotten worse since I've moved. These are her words on it:

"sometimes i feel like i care about you like, quite intensely, like perhaps more than a best friend or favorite sister but id say tbh more like

in between like favorite best friend and significant other

if that makes any sense
not sure what to call that
hard to attach labels

but obv i dont have (and never previously had) romantic/sexual thoughts ofc as i'm not lesbian and would never dream of spooning/kissing/romantically cuddling obviously"

I don't really know what to think, and I also don't care. All I want is a healthy and normal friendship. I've friendzoned her every time it feels off.

If you do not return such feelings being honest is always the right answer and I'm glad you aren't playing along to it. If she does have strong feelings even she herself doesn't understand, she'll get over it in time. It's unreasonable for her to expect you to chain yourself to her, you're both individual people with your own lives and if she makes you feel worse getting away will hopefully make you feel very relieved and free. I hope things will work out, stay safe.

 

[catbuddy515]

I definitely won't be saying any more about suicide, SH, or depression. It's obvious that the topics are too heavy for her.

---

I agree. It was scary to see her act like this, even if it was out of emotions like worry or frustration. I don't want her involved in my decision to CTB. Especially not if she pushes me towards CTB.

---

Thank you so much.

---

It didn't seem like a strategic plan to help me; she was acting erratic. Slamming doors, yelling at me, and crying.

She cares about me a lot. I appreciate her so, so much because of this. But I think she was more worried about herself in this case. She focused on the ways me leaving would hurt her for most of the conversation. She says she needs me to keep her company, to cook her food, and do the chores. She made it seem like me leaving would ruin her life and make her hate me, even though I would be fine with remaining friends after moving.

I don't think so. I couldn't make any progress in my hometown, which is why I moved to this city. My plan is to CTB. I've mostly given up on recovery.

---

She pays my portion of the rent here ($2800/mo), and has helped me a lot with money for food, a bed, a laptop, and most things I've needed. She says I'm not allowed to leave because it would be ungrateful to cause her problems with the lease when I'm not contributing.

I don't know why she thinks me moving would ruin our friendship. I tried to assure her it wouldn't change how I feel, but she said it wouldn't be okay.

I think she definitely feels attachment to me that would be unhealthy for a regular friendship. I don't know how to describe it. I talked to her about it before I moved, since I felt like she was jealous of my girlfriend. But I feel like it's gotten worse since I've moved. These are her words on it:

"sometimes i feel like i care about you like, quite intensely, like perhaps more than a best friend or favorite sister but id say tbh more like

in between like favorite best friend and significant other

if that makes any sense
not sure what to call that
hard to attach labels

but obv i dont have (and never previously had) romantic/sexual thoughts ofc as i'm not lesbian and would never dream of spooning/kissing/romantically cuddling obviously"

I don't really know what to think, and I also don't care. All I want is a healthy and normal friendship. I've friendzoned her every time it feels off.

I'm not gonna lie she is sounding extremely codependent and also controlling. She most likely needs to work through that with therapy becuz u don't belong to her. Also idk if she is lesbian or bi or something, but if she's not then this also kinda sounds like bpd community's term that they call "favorite person". I have a friend with bpd and well this kinda reminds me of certain time periods during our friendship (not tryna diagnose ur friend or anything tho).

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

A true friend would respect your decision, and acknowledge that you are in a great deal of suffering and need to do what is right for yourself.
They would show empathy and support instead of resorting to controlling behaviour.

 

[R_N]

Borderline psychopathic behaviour from that person. I would move away regardless of your ctb plans.

 

[Ε. Η. R.]

All transwomans are needed by many people. But not me.

Anyway, at that moment when a puella's friend called the police and said those words:

And then she told me that, if I left her, she would rather have me kill myself than recover on my own and ruin our friendship.

This girl herself ruined the friendship with these two actions.

Even if she wanted the best, if she didn't want to let her friend go - there were many other ways to convey this.

In any case, betrayal is betrayal. Even if it's not big.
I have forgiven more serious betrayals to MtF. Romantically, in terms of close friendships. Now I understand what a naive fool I was. I hate myself for those stupid things. It is a sin to forgive betrayal.

She cares about me a lot. I appreciate her so, so much because of this. But I think she was more worried about herself in this case. She focused on the ways me leaving would hurt her for most of the conversation. She says she needs me to keep her company, to cook her food, and do the chores. She made it seem like me leaving would ruin her life and make her hate me, even though I would be fine with remaining friends after moving.

She pays my portion of the rent here ($2800/mo), and has helped me a lot with money for food, a bed, a laptop, and most things I've needed. She says I'm not allowed to leave because it would be ungrateful to cause her problems with the lease when I'm not contributing.

I don't know why she thinks me moving would ruin our friendship. I tried to assure her it wouldn't change how I feel, but she said it wouldn't be okay.

I think she definitely feels attachment to me that would be unhealthy for a regular friendship. I don't know how to describe it. I talked to her about it before I moved, since I felt like she was jealous of my girlfriend. But I feel like it's gotten worse since I've moved. These are her words on it:

"sometimes i feel like i care about you like, quite intensely, like perhaps more than a best friend or favorite sister but id say tbh more like

in between like favorite best friend and significant other

if that makes any sense
not sure what to call that
hard to attach labels

but obv i dont have (and never previously had) romantic/sexual thoughts ofc as i'm not lesbian and would never dream of spooning/kissing/romantically cuddling obviously"

Even before you wrote this, I began to suspect that she loves you.
However, this does not justify her actions.
But, puella, pay attention to your actions and words. You let her into your life. You share something very personal with her. About thoughts of suicide. About your girlfriend (now think about how she feels being in love with you). I guess the same about concerns about the transition.
And, I guess, she supports you very well emotionally (I can't know for sure).
And what did you reward your friend with?

I don't really know what to think, and I also don't care.

I've friendzoned her every time it feels off.

"Very good friend".

I'm not saying she's all that good.
From your words it can be seen that she resorts to manipulation.
But you didn't behave very well either. When it is clear on the surface that she loves you, she is jealous.

I don't think so. I couldn't make any progress in my hometown, which is why I moved to this city. My plan is to CTB. I've mostly given up on recovery.

Why? You have good data. You have great potential for recovery and a good life. And you'll throw it all away?
In some ways I can understand your ex-friend. Not in her actions. But the fact is that can't let you go now, so that you don't take poison from the hometown.

 

[puella]

I'm not gonna lie she is sounding extremely codependent and also controlling. She most likely needs to work through that with therapy becuz u don't belong to her. Also idk if she is lesbian or bi or something, but if she's not then this also kinda sounds like bpd community's term that they call "favorite person". I have a friend with bpd and well this kinda reminds me of certain time periods during our friendship (not tryna diagnose ur friend or anything tho).

Maybe. I don't know much about BPD, but this would make more sense to me than her romantically liking me.

 

[godsseepiestsoldier]

I dont know the ins and outs of ur relationship or her other than what youve said but it sounds very possible that you might have become her "favourite person" or she might just be super possesive. Its not nessceraly a bad thing but shes definatly giving out some major red flags along with it. Hoping you get out of there safely with no more incidents. Try and leave without her knowing or any warning would be my best advice.