Story my religion has ruined me

[kindawannacrylol]

i was raised in a hardcore christian household, i went to catholic school and grew up in the church, i was extremely religious and all my friends and family were too. i surrounded myself with christian books and music etc.

I've also struggled with severe mental health issues and frequent suicidal ideation, the fear of hell stopped me from ending my life which led me to believe my religion was saving me.
At around 12 i realised i was attracted to girls only and at the time i didn't think it was a bad thing until i started telling my friends about it, some of them stopped talking to me and were disgusted and when i looked into the christian perspective of lesbianism i understood why. i repressed it for a few years and from the ages of 15-19 i progressed deeper into my christian faith i was praying everyday, reading the bible, going to church, going to a bible study and fasting, i felt truly connected to God and surrounded by this religion. However with my increasing devout faith my mental health became significantly worse, i attempted suicide 5 times each attempt worse than the other and started to regularly self harm. repressing my sexuality was starting to really damage me and i began to hurt myself, i tried to fix myself and force myself to like men, i slept with multiple guys and forced myself into sexual activity to 'convert myself straight' which only made me more and more depressed. I was so obsessed with God and my religion that i convinced myself that my religion comes before my happiness and all my suffering would be rewarded in heaven. The intense homophobia i experienced from my friends, family and from myself caused by christianity has permanently damaged me.
i'm now 20 years old and last week i finally left my religion. i am still horribly suicidal and broken i have a lot of healing to do and i have no idea where to start

 

[Snake of Eden]

You have the same exact thing as myself. Except I am from another religion and I am a homosexual man

 

[kindawannacrylol]

You have the same exact thing as myself. Except I am from another religion and I am a homosexual man

oh no im sorry to hear that may i ask what religion you were part of?

 

[Snake of Eden]

oh no im sorry to hear that may i ask what religion you were part of?

Thanks. I rather not disclose it publicly here for fears of putting too much information out there. I can tell you that I am heavily indoctrinated in my religion since early age and I cant leave it or break away from it mentally. It sucks because i want to ctb but I cant get over the stories of what will happen to me after death which keeps me trapped here unfortunately

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you have had your life ruined. It sounds like you have been through a lot. I hope there is a way for you to move past it.

 

[AnonymousS]

i was raised in a hardcore christian household, i went to catholic school and grew up in the church, i was extremely religious and all my friends and family were too. i surrounded myself with christian books and music etc.

I've also struggled with severe mental health issues and frequent suicidal ideation, the fear of hell stopped me from ending my life which led me to believe my religion was saving me.
At around 12 i realised i was attracted to girls only and at the time i didn't think it was a bad thing until i started telling my friends about it, some of them stopped talking to me and were disgusted and when i looked into the christian perspective of lesbianism i understood why. i repressed it for a few years and from the ages of 15-19 i progressed deeper into my christian faith i was praying everyday, reading the bible, going to church, going to a bible study and fasting, i felt truly connected to God and surrounded by this religion. However with my increasing devout faith my mental health became significantly worse, i attempted suicide 5 times each attempt worse than the other and started to regularly self harm. repressing my sexuality was starting to really damage me and i began to hurt myself, i tried to fix myself and force myself to like men, i slept with multiple guys and forced myself into sexual activity to 'convert myself straight' which only made me more and more depressed. I was so obsessed with God and my religion that i convinced myself that my religion comes before my happiness and all my suffering would be rewarded in heaven. The intense homophobia i experienced from my friends, family and from myself caused by christianity has permanently damaged me.
i'm now 20 years old and last week i finally left my religion. i am still horribly suicidal and broken i have a lot of healing to do and i have no idea where to start

I am very sorry you have been through so much at such a young age. I hope you can realise how normal and natural you are in your sexuality. I hope you can "break free" from religion and can be helped and supported to live a fulfilling life.