My relatives have ruined my life and my family remain in denial.

[FireFox]

Right now I would have been attending university lectures and studying for my masters course but I was forced to defer last year because I could not afford the tuition fees. My fianacial situation has now improved and I will be starting my course this October. It makes me so angry because getting into that university was the only good thing I had last year in the worst year of my life 2023. It upsets me I will be starting a masters at 27 while everyone else my age I know is settled with marriage and a career. I am so far behind.

In my family's culture our parents who live in western countries send thier income to relatives back home, it happens to other immigrant children with familes from Nigeria, Somalia, India, Philippines etc. Growing up i was told this was normal. All my life and still till this day my mum and grandmother send thier income to the struggling relatives back home. The money goes to paying for relatives kids school fees as secondary/high school education is not free, medicine money, my relatives failed business ventures and other things they need etc. Majority of the relatives they send the money too are just users, emotionally abusive and not nice people who cause pain and problem to others. These same relatives didn't even care when my mother was struggling with me as single mother when I was born, none of them cared even the wealthy ones didn't care. This is the biggest reason why I always felt at in my teens unwanted and unloved by my relatives.

It is all because of these relatives my mum didn't have enough money to be able to afford the tuition fees and my government student loan given was not enough to cover the costs. Meanwhile my grandmother wealthy brother could have written a cheque but chooses never to help our family. My grandmother paid for him to go university before I was born. He spends his money showing off his expensive holidays and things.

My mum and grandmother feel sorry for the relatives and tell me how it's "sin" not to help your family whereas I am fed up of the constant guilt tripping. If my relatives were better people I wouldn't be angry as much. It depresses me that I have the worst relatives in the world. For me this is the final straw. I am finally fed up of my relatives just the years of drama, gossiping, freeloading ,using etc.

I told my family my real feelings. My grandmother thinks I am going through a phsrse and just mad about tuition money. My mum just can't cope with the fact I actaully hate our relatives. My family have the audicacty to keep criticising me and give me grief over how I spend my money while they send money to awful ungrateful relatives overseas. Today my mum gave me a hard time over ordering an ice cream for the second day in a row.

 

[INTJme]

The last line got me. Got a hard time for ordering ice cream two days in a row? Sounds like you need some freedom and taste of independence. I understand money is an issue but Is it not at all an option to live by yourself?

Regarding relatives... they can be ungrateful leeches; I've known it first-hand and I understand your mom still taking their side because she's traditional and conservative. But you can distance yourself from them for your own sake. Other people, especially undeserving ones, should not be someone's reason to lose sleep over, let alone ctb.

 

[brokeandbroken]

Right now I would have been attending university lectures and studying for my masters course but I was forced to defer last year because I could not afford the tuition fees. My fianacial situation has now improved and I will be starting my course this October. It makes me so angry because getting into that university was the only good thing I had last year in the worst year of my life 2023. It upsets me I will be starting a masters at 27 while everyone else my age I know is settled with marriage and a career. I am so far behind.

In my family's culture our parents who live in western countries send thier income to relatives back home, it happens to other immigrant children with familes from Nigeria, Somalia, India, Philippines etc. Growing up i was told this was normal. All my life and still till this day my mum and grandmother send thier income to the struggling relatives back home. The money goes to paying for relatives kids school fees as secondary/high school education is not free, medicine money, my relatives failed business ventures and other things they need etc. Majority of the relatives they send the money too are just users, emotionally abusive and not nice people who cause pain and problem to others. These same relatives didn't even care when my mother was struggling with me as single mother when I was born, none of them cared even the wealthy ones didn't care. This is the biggest reason why I always felt at in my teens unwanted and unloved by my relatives.

It is all because of these relatives my mum didn't have enough money to be able to afford the tuition fees and my government student loan given was not enough to cover the costs. Meanwhile my grandmother wealthy brother could have written a cheque but chooses never to help our family. My grandmother paid for him to go university before I was born. He spends his money showing off his expensive holidays and things.

My mum and grandmother feel sorry for the relatives and tell me how it's "sin" not to help your family whereas I am fed up of the constant guilt tripping. If my relatives were better people I wouldn't be angry as much. It depresses me that I have the worst relatives in the world. For me this is the final straw. I am finally fed up of my relatives just the years of drama, gossiping, freeloading ,using etc.

I told my family my real feelings. My grandmother thinks I am going through a phsrse and just mad about tuition money. My mum just can't cope with the fact I actaully hate our relatives. My family have the audicacty to keep criticising me and give me grief over how I spend my money while they send money to awful ungrateful relatives overseas. Today my mum gave me a hard time over ordering an ice cream for the second day in a row.

I can relate. I am American but I went overseas to Poland for medical school (English program). This is after I finished my undergrad. Medical school in my opinion is an achievement. By entering you basically guarantee that you will be at worst upper middle class for the rest of your life. It was my dream since I was young. I had a few surgeries and I was sick a lot as a kid. As a result I dreamed of being a doctor. While there my parents treated me like shit. I needed my loans cosigned my parents who are well off financially made the biggest stink about this. While in medical school I was amongst other things illegally forced out of the university... After nearly a decade of working my ass off when I was forced out. My parents who could afford to and likely the connections as well to provide help and bring forth these crimes to reach justice. Refused. instead they are completely content with me being homeless (there is shelters and things of that nature that provide housing and electricity). As a result of not being able to finish medical school.... My job prospects are awful as I spent my life studying and taking jobs and getting experience in one niche thing medicine. Only two jobs I have been able to get is a job on an assembly line for low wages making medical equipment and the other basically as a secretary. I also have 160k in debt. Not the same story but I can relate to you.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I think you need to say, "fuck 'em" and cut them off. They seem like miserable held back by their traditional and conseravtive values. I doubt they are ever going to come to realization of how shitty they are anytime soon. The fact that even your own mom can't bother to try and see things from your perspective and is getting mad at you for buying ice cream two days in a row isn't exactly making her look too good either.

It's funny, because I remember coming across a YouTube channel ran by a Nigerian lady who was actually criticizing a lot of the toxic aspects of parenting that have become normalized amongst African parents. She's also a parent herself. I'm mainly mentioning her because she's a perfect of example of why this behaviour is completely inexcusable. If she, along with other Africans, can recognize that something is wrong with their culture and try to make changes for the better, so can everyone else.

Even of you aren't in the position to live by yourself yet and/or completely cut them all off, then the least you can do is work as hard as you can to not be like them. If they are going to be abusive assholes you may as well just use them as an example of what not to do.

 

[FireFox]

The last line got me. Got a hard time for ordering ice cream two days in a row? Sounds like you need some freedom and taste of independence. I understand money is an issue but Is it not at all an option to live by yourself?

Regarding relatives... they can be ungrateful leeches; I've known it first-hand and I understand your mom still taking their side because she's traditional and conservative. But you can distance yourself from them for your own sake. Other people, especially undeserving ones, should not be someone's reason to lose sleep over, let alone ctb.

@INTJme I was born and grew up in the UK and was raised with African culture. In African culture generally speaking families are very collectivist. What happens in your household is also the business of ALL your extended family of grandparents, uncles, autnies, cousins. The opinions of your extended family is an enormous deal. Family is an enormous deal. White Westerners my age don't understand the pressures of growing up with immigrant parents and living with 2 polar cultures.

Collectivist families can be wonderful if you have relatives who are nice and supportive people but if your relatives are horrible people then it is pure hell.

Growing up I always felt held back by relatives. As a teenager I was always going back and forth from the UK and to my parents home country to vist relatives for funerals and other family gatherings and business. I was so miserable as a teenager and had to find ways to have fun as I hated summers spending time with my relatives overseas.

I never had anyone to talk too about my problems nor could find anyone who could relete. The other children at school who had African parents or Asain showed excitement at visting thier parents home country whereas I couldn't relete because I disliked visiting my parents home country because all the awful relatives are all there. Visting relatives was the worst summers ever

● Only nice to you because they want something, the fake nice is the worst part

● Looking down upon you for not being in line with the culture

● Too much gossip and jealousy

● Nothing in common with relatives my own age.

 

[FireFox]

I think you need to say, "fuck 'em" and cut them off. They seem like miserable held back by their traditional and conseravtive values. I doubt they are ever going to come to realization of how shitty they are anytime soon. The fact that even your own mom can't bother to try and see things from your perspective and is getting mad at you for buying ice cream two days in a row isn't exactly making her look too good either.

It's funny, because I remember coming across a YouTube channel ran by a Nigerian lady who was actually criticizing a lot of the toxic aspects of parenting that have become normalized amongst African parents. She's also a parent herself. I'm mainly mentioning her because she's a perfect of example of why this behaviour is completely inexcusable. If she, along with other Africans, can recognize that something is wrong with their culture and try to make changes for the better, so can everyone else.

Even of you aren't in the position to live by yourself yet and/or completely cut them all off, then the least you can do is work as hard as you can to not be like them. If they are going to be abusive assholes you may as well just use them as an example of what not to do.

@EvisceratedJester I really did try my best to be patient, tolerant and be a good model daughter being respectful to the relatives and culture but last year my relatives really overdid it and contine to over do it. It has been so lonely not having anyone to talk to about it. There was a relative I used to be close too and she was the one who ended up gossiping about how crazy I was to the entire family. I got seen as crazy freak weirdo of the family.

NO culture is perfect and awful families exist in ALL cultures. The difference between white western families and African families are white western families generally don't interfere in their other families members business and people are more freer to pursue their own life whereas in African culture what career you have, who you are dating, what you are doing with your life is everyone's business in the family. Family and image is an enormous deal in African culture.

My mum and grandmother just like everyone else in the family care enormously what other relatives think. I plan to cut of all contact when my mum dies it is only option I have.

My mum and grandmother will never cope with the family criticism and gossip if it became family knowledge that I hate our relatives and want nothing to do with them anymore.

My relatives gave my mum so much grief because we couldn't attend a family funeral. One of my relatives who is African American her adult daughter died and we couldn't make it for the funeral in USA. We couldn't make it to funeral because we had difficulty getting a visa interview appointment for my grandmother at the American embassy in London. It is hard to get an appointment as so many people in the UK want to go to America.

Our relatives were spreading lies and rumours about how we didn't want to go to the funeral and never ending lies. It was a nightmare.
If you don't attend a gathering or vist a relative my god the grief is never ending.

If I Insult or criticise my relatives I will get labelled a "disrespectful child". Only when my mum dies I can have the real freedom to cut my self off from my relatives all together.

I wish it was a crime for parents who force their kids to bond with toxic relatives. It should be classified as abuse because it is abuse.