I don't really know where to begin.. also I'm a bit drunk and trying to get my thoughts straight. I'm talking about how parental relationships fuck people up.
My mum never liked me, made me believe I wasn't normal, and was cruel, violent and bitter, slapping me round the face regularly ..Whereas my dad loved me too much, it was uncomfortable. But my mum made me angry and then my dad shut down my anger. Anger was not allowed EVER so I repressed my rage and got it out of me in other ways.
THEN in my early teens my dad had an affair behind my mums back for a couple of years and at the same time it was like his love for me vanished too. I still think it was he stopped loving me at that point. My mum and me were in the house all the time alone hating one another.
Age 15 I started getting attention from boys. This is why this is NSFW. I'm sorry I know sex is a taboo subject here. But I'm getting it out the only place I feel safe to do so.
So 15 saw me doing things like giving an older boy a BJ in a park first date, and going to pubs and making out with a different guy each night..16 I worked in a museum and once ended up wanking off a 24 yr old coach driver who i had met 5 mins previously (who had driven tourists there..) in the garden of the museum… but why????? It was like getting male attention was a success in some way??? I went out with so many older men.. the oldest one I had a thing with was 45, but others were 30, 32 etc. All when I was 16. I had 3 husbands, various fiancés etc in later years.
In recent years my dad has been unkind, unsupportive.. when my ex beat me regularly my dad's comment was 'well Emma could test the patience of a saint' he didn't care. I told him I was going to kill myself a few years ago and he didn't even answer the message
. I escaped from the pain into drama and risk, self harm, alcohol, coke (not any more) and ill judged romances with dangerous people.
My therapy last year got ruined by my relationship with a guy in therapy with me. He was older than me and clever the way my dad is. ..I finally saw WHY I DO THESE THINGS because my psychotherapist told me the guy represented my dad to me, older, sort of wise etc. it was uncomfortable but I realised it was true. I've fucking sought attention from men all my fucking life.
Now my dad is ill and has recurring cancer, copd, heart failure. And I've realised my relationship with him has fucked my whole life up! And that I do love him more than I knew and I think he's going to die soon.
Behind every incident of me behaving like a 'slut' is the girl wanting to have value and be loved.
I'm part way through evaluating this about myself. I need way more therapy to sort it out. But since the guy at therapy last year, and since my therapist told me why this is my pattern, I've not got into anything inappropriate with anyone else. My husband is amazing about it, we literally joke about the stupid shit I've done in the past. (We even joke about how many people I sent tit pics to. I think literally 3 men on this site have seen them! ) I'm so lucky to have that understanding I think it's incredibly rare.
So.. yes. Just wanted to share that. I don't even have anything profound to say at the end of that speech.
Ugh.. oversharing when drunk. It's the worst.
My mum never liked me, made me believe I wasn't normal, and was cruel, violent and bitter, slapping me round the face regularly ..Whereas my dad loved me too much, it was uncomfortable. But my mum made me angry and then my dad shut down my anger. Anger was not allowed EVER so I repressed my rage and got it out of me in other ways.
THEN in my early teens my dad had an affair behind my mums back for a couple of years and at the same time it was like his love for me vanished too. I still think it was he stopped loving me at that point. My mum and me were in the house all the time alone hating one another.
Age 15 I started getting attention from boys. This is why this is NSFW. I'm sorry I know sex is a taboo subject here. But I'm getting it out the only place I feel safe to do so.
So 15 saw me doing things like giving an older boy a BJ in a park first date, and going to pubs and making out with a different guy each night..16 I worked in a museum and once ended up wanking off a 24 yr old coach driver who i had met 5 mins previously (who had driven tourists there..) in the garden of the museum… but why????? It was like getting male attention was a success in some way??? I went out with so many older men.. the oldest one I had a thing with was 45, but others were 30, 32 etc. All when I was 16. I had 3 husbands, various fiancés etc in later years.
In recent years my dad has been unkind, unsupportive.. when my ex beat me regularly my dad's comment was 'well Emma could test the patience of a saint' he didn't care. I told him I was going to kill myself a few years ago and he didn't even answer the message
. I escaped from the pain into drama and risk, self harm, alcohol, coke (not any more) and ill judged romances with dangerous people. My therapy last year got ruined by my relationship with a guy in therapy with me. He was older than me and clever the way my dad is. ..I finally saw WHY I DO THESE THINGS because my psychotherapist told me the guy represented my dad to me, older, sort of wise etc. it was uncomfortable but I realised it was true. I've fucking sought attention from men all my fucking life.
Now my dad is ill and has recurring cancer, copd, heart failure. And I've realised my relationship with him has fucked my whole life up! And that I do love him more than I knew and I think he's going to die soon.
Behind every incident of me behaving like a 'slut' is the girl wanting to have value and be loved.
I'm part way through evaluating this about myself. I need way more therapy to sort it out. But since the guy at therapy last year, and since my therapist told me why this is my pattern, I've not got into anything inappropriate with anyone else. My husband is amazing about it, we literally joke about the stupid shit I've done in the past. (We even joke about how many people I sent tit pics to. I think literally 3 men on this site have seen them! ) I'm so lucky to have that understanding I think it's incredibly rare.
So.. yes. Just wanted to share that. I don't even have anything profound to say at the end of that speech.
Ugh.. oversharing when drunk. It's the worst.
honestly this is actually true! I get 10p per sexy message I send..
