I don't have the time to fully describe the situation. (I should save my energy.) I turn more and more manic. I told my therapist the last 2 months my severe sleeping disorder is a sign that I will get manic soon. He denied it. He said he is optimistic it will become all good in the end. Now after my first lectures at the university (the first week) my sleeping disorder went through the roof (just as I predicted). Today I had an appoinment with him. (tbh even that was too stressful I am so fucking vulnerabel) I was clearly on the edge of mania. I spoke very very fast without a break. I feel extremely instable. My psychiatrist wants to increase my meds (hell no) this won't work. I agreed to increase it a little bit. (I made barely nothing). Now she wants to raise it again. I do not want to become more and more addicted to bigger amounts of them. In truth they do not stop the mania at all when I am at university. I already tried without and with medication. They work like 10%. For some people they work and normally they work. However not when I am at university. I always told that to my therapists also in clinics. One bitch laughed at me and told I really doubt that. So many people told me I was wrong. So many times. Also when I predicted that normal working would make me depressed.
I know all that shit because now it is my second or third time to try these things again. So desperate I am.
I am pretty sure next week will be last week at university. My psychologist still wants to wait, One time he told a sentence like we should wait till you are ill and then act. Not prior to that. He is very inexperienced but today he showed first signs that he finally took my warnings seriously.
I am pretty scared how that will end. I fear so much to get severly depressed again. Maybe it is already too late. I think I take lorazepam in addiction to the 3 extra sleep medication I am currently taking. It is hard to leave the university especially if it is the last chance. I think I have to act fast to avoid serious consequences like severe depression. It hard for me to say no and stop. Normally my therapists should take that role. But they are idiots. It is really dangerous now. I probably kill me when i get this severe psychosomatic pain again.
I think should play it save. Take more zopiclone. I never had addiction problems and I am really careful. I will stop this insane recovery trial next week. It won't matter too much to take more of it. My dad and my psychologist have the idea these are just symptoms due to the fact it is the beginning of the studies. I am 99% sure they are wrong. With my experience I can say it will get way worse.
(I wrote a lot. Can't take a break. I am so scared.)
I know all that shit because now it is my second or third time to try these things again. So desperate I am.
I am pretty sure next week will be last week at university. My psychologist still wants to wait, One time he told a sentence like we should wait till you are ill and then act. Not prior to that. He is very inexperienced but today he showed first signs that he finally took my warnings seriously.
I am pretty scared how that will end. I fear so much to get severly depressed again. Maybe it is already too late. I think I take lorazepam in addiction to the 3 extra sleep medication I am currently taking. It is hard to leave the university especially if it is the last chance. I think I have to act fast to avoid serious consequences like severe depression. It hard for me to say no and stop. Normally my therapists should take that role. But they are idiots. It is really dangerous now. I probably kill me when i get this severe psychosomatic pain again.
I think should play it save. Take more zopiclone. I never had addiction problems and I am really careful. I will stop this insane recovery trial next week. It won't matter too much to take more of it. My dad and my psychologist have the idea these are just symptoms due to the fact it is the beginning of the studies. I am 99% sure they are wrong. With my experience I can say it will get way worse.
(I wrote a lot. Can't take a break. I am so scared.)
