Just wanted to get all of this off my chest.
I'm 34. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 when I was 12-13 years old. I've been hospitalized. I've seen psychiatrists and therapists off and on since my initial diagnosis. I've been with my current psych and therapist about 4 years now. They're both wonderful, but they aren't miracle workers.
Growing up, I was molested by my maternal grandfather that lived with me (I believe I was around 5, can't remember for sure). He abused my sister as well. My sister told her therapist about it, who in return, told my mother. My mother went home as if nothing happened. She didn't tell my dad about it. So, my grandfather continued to live with us. He stayed with us until I was about 8, I believe. My father finally found out about it and kicked him out.
To go back further, my grandfather used to molest and rape my mother and her friends. It is absolutely sickening that my maternal grandmother acted naive, as if she had no idea what was happening under her own roof. Today, she'll speak of how terrible he was, but sticks with her stance that she did not believe in divorce (because she's Christian), and had he not of left her, she would still be with him. She speaks about him often, even though she's been told that my sister and I don't want to hear it bc it's triggering. My mother still keeps in contact with him and goes to see him in the nursing home.
My parents were absent parents. My mom was emotionally unavailable my whole life. Still is. We have never been close. We don't speak anything beyond small talk. She is also bipolar, but is either not medicated, or not medicated well enough. She's quite the passive aggressive bitch. I hate everything about her. My dad worked a lot. He was also emotionally unavailable to me. He's currently become a grumpy, negative, Christian-extremist asshole. He only speaks to me when he wants to bitch at me. I can't remember the last time he asked me how I was doing or how my day went. It's been YEARS.
Growing up, he missed all of my school events (I could probably count on one hand how many events he's attended). If he did show, he was late. Pretty sure he was late to my high school graduation as well. When my younger brother (5 years younger) got up in age, around middle and high school, my dad was very active in his life, and still is. I was in showchoir and marching band in high school. Dad was never there. When my brother made it to marching band, my dad attended EVERY football game, home and away. He was even the president of the band boosters club. He holds double standards for myself and my siblings. Even those looking in from the outside can see it. No matter how many times I brought it to his attention, with examples, he would tell me I'm full of shit.
There are too many examples to show how shitty my parents were to me. But I'd be here forever listing them all.
I moved back in with my parents about 4 years ago. It wasn't by choice, I couldn't afford to live on my own. They constantly remind me that I'm a burden and that I'm not welcomed there. But I stuck it out because I'm a single mother to a 10-year-old, and my child deserves stability, something I can't offer on my own. A couple of weeks ago, I got into with my parents and got kicked out. My sister has been keeping my daughter for me, and I'm currently living in a hotel room. My sister doesn't have room for us both, and I can't drag my daughter through the instability of living in a hotel room. I'm charging the room to my credit cards, with no idea how I'm going to pay them back. I told my dad the day he kicked me out that because I wasn't going to be able to be with my daughter, my only reason for living, that I was going to kill myself. He did not care.
Over the past 20-some-odd years, I've tried nearly every medication to treat my bipolar. I've never truly achieved stability or happiness. I'm always depressed. I think about suicide daily, and have for years. My medications have stolen everything from me. I have no interests. No hobbies. Nothing brings me joy. Apathy is such a horrible way to live. My anxiety is crippling.
Last November, I had genetic testing done to help figure out a new treatment option, because nothing seemed to be working. And that's because nothing will work. My results indicated that my body doesn't respond to anti-depressants... that I am treatment-resistant.
I feel like all hope is lost. Why continue to fight such a horrible illness when there is no light at the end of the tunnel?
I am devastated about leaving my daughter behind. She does have a dad, but he's in and out of her life. Maybe he will finally get his shit together when I ctb. But while I sit here and ponder, I can't help to think how much better off I would've been had my mother not of been in my life. Maybe it will be the same for my daughter. Maybe this is how to break the cycle.
She's the only reason I'm still here, and I feel like the absolute scum of the Earth because I can't make myself stay for her. She is so beautiful, inside and out. The kindest soul I've ever met. But I'm not enough. She deserves so much better.
I wish there was another option. I wish I knew the answers. I just want the pain to stop.
Thank you for lending an ear.
I'm 34. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 when I was 12-13 years old. I've been hospitalized. I've seen psychiatrists and therapists off and on since my initial diagnosis. I've been with my current psych and therapist about 4 years now. They're both wonderful, but they aren't miracle workers.
Growing up, I was molested by my maternal grandfather that lived with me (I believe I was around 5, can't remember for sure). He abused my sister as well. My sister told her therapist about it, who in return, told my mother. My mother went home as if nothing happened. She didn't tell my dad about it. So, my grandfather continued to live with us. He stayed with us until I was about 8, I believe. My father finally found out about it and kicked him out.
To go back further, my grandfather used to molest and rape my mother and her friends. It is absolutely sickening that my maternal grandmother acted naive, as if she had no idea what was happening under her own roof. Today, she'll speak of how terrible he was, but sticks with her stance that she did not believe in divorce (because she's Christian), and had he not of left her, she would still be with him. She speaks about him often, even though she's been told that my sister and I don't want to hear it bc it's triggering. My mother still keeps in contact with him and goes to see him in the nursing home.
My parents were absent parents. My mom was emotionally unavailable my whole life. Still is. We have never been close. We don't speak anything beyond small talk. She is also bipolar, but is either not medicated, or not medicated well enough. She's quite the passive aggressive bitch. I hate everything about her. My dad worked a lot. He was also emotionally unavailable to me. He's currently become a grumpy, negative, Christian-extremist asshole. He only speaks to me when he wants to bitch at me. I can't remember the last time he asked me how I was doing or how my day went. It's been YEARS.
Growing up, he missed all of my school events (I could probably count on one hand how many events he's attended). If he did show, he was late. Pretty sure he was late to my high school graduation as well. When my younger brother (5 years younger) got up in age, around middle and high school, my dad was very active in his life, and still is. I was in showchoir and marching band in high school. Dad was never there. When my brother made it to marching band, my dad attended EVERY football game, home and away. He was even the president of the band boosters club. He holds double standards for myself and my siblings. Even those looking in from the outside can see it. No matter how many times I brought it to his attention, with examples, he would tell me I'm full of shit.
There are too many examples to show how shitty my parents were to me. But I'd be here forever listing them all.
I moved back in with my parents about 4 years ago. It wasn't by choice, I couldn't afford to live on my own. They constantly remind me that I'm a burden and that I'm not welcomed there. But I stuck it out because I'm a single mother to a 10-year-old, and my child deserves stability, something I can't offer on my own. A couple of weeks ago, I got into with my parents and got kicked out. My sister has been keeping my daughter for me, and I'm currently living in a hotel room. My sister doesn't have room for us both, and I can't drag my daughter through the instability of living in a hotel room. I'm charging the room to my credit cards, with no idea how I'm going to pay them back. I told my dad the day he kicked me out that because I wasn't going to be able to be with my daughter, my only reason for living, that I was going to kill myself. He did not care.
Over the past 20-some-odd years, I've tried nearly every medication to treat my bipolar. I've never truly achieved stability or happiness. I'm always depressed. I think about suicide daily, and have for years. My medications have stolen everything from me. I have no interests. No hobbies. Nothing brings me joy. Apathy is such a horrible way to live. My anxiety is crippling.
Last November, I had genetic testing done to help figure out a new treatment option, because nothing seemed to be working. And that's because nothing will work. My results indicated that my body doesn't respond to anti-depressants... that I am treatment-resistant.
I feel like all hope is lost. Why continue to fight such a horrible illness when there is no light at the end of the tunnel?
I am devastated about leaving my daughter behind. She does have a dad, but he's in and out of her life. Maybe he will finally get his shit together when I ctb. But while I sit here and ponder, I can't help to think how much better off I would've been had my mother not of been in my life. Maybe it will be the same for my daughter. Maybe this is how to break the cycle.
She's the only reason I'm still here, and I feel like the absolute scum of the Earth because I can't make myself stay for her. She is so beautiful, inside and out. The kindest soul I've ever met. But I'm not enough. She deserves so much better.
I wish there was another option. I wish I knew the answers. I just want the pain to stop.
Thank you for lending an ear.
