Venting My reason(s) for wanting to CTB

[cupcakesandmilk]

In my case, my reason for wanting to CTB isn't rooted in any sort of particular "cause" or incident. I guess you can say that my reasons for wanting to die are more internal than external; you could say that it's all inside my head at the end of the day; my brain is just messed up, to say the least, and has been in the most minuscule (I use that term very loosely) of ways since my childhood; honestly, I've mentioned this many times on here, but my life isn't inherently bad per se, which is a part of the reason as to why I feel so guilty about the thought of throwing it away when there are people who'd probably kill to be in my place...

Let's say I don't off myself and keep going, I'll enter college, go on about life as any ordinary person would, at least from the outside, land some job, graduate... and you get the idea, but none of that would fix or find my broken or missing parts. I'd still feel "different" from those around me; I'd still constantly have to "pretend human," I'd still keep pushing others away; I'd still not find any company unless I tried to pretend to be someone I'm not; I'd still be anxious over the tiniest of things; and what not... I'd just be another brick in the wall working an ambitionless job; I can't see myself holding meaningful relationships or having a family; I'd still just be... myself, at the end of the day, and the thought of being under this same skin, doing the same thing over and over till I'm just too old to anymore doesn't exactly bring me any happiness, and it's not the fear of failure or setbacks in life that holds me back; numerous people have been in my shoes before, and I believe that if they can do it, then so can I. This so-called "hope" (if you can even call it that) is the main reason I still haven't committed, but as I said, the idea of being just another brick in the wall just feels very... depressing, and the idea of aging further and further into adulthood and dropping down lower and lower in the priority lists of people until I am no longer anyone's first thought is again, depressing, to say the least. I know it's just a part of life, and I also know that people have lived happily through all of this, but I guess for me it's always been the everyday things... Maybe I'm just exaggerating everything; maybe the future won't be as bad as I think it will be; maybe I can just keep drowning in my escapisms like I always have and live a happy life (I say happy, but in reality, I consider it ignorant; but hey, ignorance is bliss); maybe all this is, again, just inside my head; but do I really need to keep pushing through when there are countless other Sylveons already filling my place? Why does it matter if I fast-forward to the end? Besides, suicide is as natural as any other death when it's already written in fate, right?

I know there is a lot of potential for someone like me to be "helped," but none of that even matters when my brain is wired in this way. I'm a slave to my thoughts, and for me, certain unhealthy thoughts and delusions hold more meaning than being grounded in reality; it is what it is, and at the end of the day, I don't see any point in living a life that doesn't interest me... Maybe it just boils down to me finding something I love and dedicating my time to it, but I genuinely can't find anything that interests me; there is stuff that distracts me... but I don't want to live a life of distractions; it'll just leave me feeling worse than what I had started with when the illusion finally breaks. There was a time I used to enjoy video games (even being a modder for a couple of them and what not) and playing one particular outdoor sport; these two were my only two interests throughout my childhood and early teens, both of which's charm wore off, and now they just leave me feeling worse off...

But even so, if all of this got magically fixed, it still wouldn't change the world I live in. At the risk of sounding cringe and cliché and all that, I hate living in a world where innocent people have to suffer so much with no fault of their own; even the tiniest of things, like people being mean to service workers, make me feel miserable inside, and we all know that's just the tip of the iceberg; this is something that made me upset even back during the best 2 years of my life. Sure, all of this is just external stuff, things that are outside my control, and I probably wouldn't even be mentioning it if I wasn't so messed up internally, but that's not the world we live in, so it doesn't matter; also, I find it really ironic how my decision will make my own family suffer if I go through with it, lol.

As lame as this all sounds, it is my reason for wanting to CTB; I guess it's only fitting for someone like me.

The worst part about all of this is that I don't even think that I've got any mental illnesses that might be causing all this; my brain is just fundamentally... bad at this, I guess. Maybe that's why cutting is so "ritualistic" for me, but that's for another day...

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Started working on this draft way back in December last year, but my laziness and negligible attention span got the best of me every time, lol. Finally found the motivation to complete this since someone asked me about it today; maybe it's just the nature of it, but I sound so monotonous here, lol.

 

[ClaudeCTTE]

I understand what you're saying. I also tend to have the same kind of thoughts, but here add that I have been through problems in my life and I have ADHD.

Spoiler: Blah, blah, blah...

During my first 15 years of life, my life was completely "normal", there were never incidents that marked me for life. However, after 15, I became more observant of my surroundings and I was always bothered by how bad people were.
Sometimes I would wonder about things like:

"Why do people kill?"
"Why are people greedy?"
"Why do people follow stupid trends?"
"Why do people listen to music that romanticizes drug trafficking (narcoculture)?"
"Why do people think they're superior for having a partner and not being a virgin?"

People used to tell me:

"Don't overthink it"
"Don't worry about irrelevant things, worry about yourself."

What people told me fueled my questions, as I didn't see the point of shutting down my mind and being like everyone else.

On the other hand, I started having problems in high school, then the pandemic happened, and I don't know, a bunch of nonsense. In the end, I felt dead inside and honestly didn't feel motivated to live in this world anymore.
I recovered a bit, managed to finish high school, and went to college, but honestly, it didn't make me feel better, it made me doubt myself more. I was only in college for 1 year until my impulsivity and loneliness made me drop out (in fact, it's been almost a year since I last went to college). From there, I started therapy, was diagnosed with ADHD and "complex misanthropy", and spent 11 months as a NEET.

In December, I started feeling better and didn't even see the need to be on this forum anymore. I had quit my bad habits and started being productive. However, I realized that I wasn't actually recovering because my perception of the world was the same, and I was just deceiving myself into believing I was doing the right thing. It might sound strange because "normal" people could say that I deceived myself into believing the world is hell, but for me, nothing is true.

In March (a month ago), I got my first job, and it seemed like there was great progress in my life, don't you think? My family told me that now I would have my own money, that I would be able to buy whatever I wanted, and that I had the privilege of working 4 days and resting 3 days a week. But for what? To make myself happy? To recover? To give value to money? To value my life?
Turns out, my job was the WORST thing I had ever experienced in my life. I worked 11 hours a day all night. So I had to work from 8 PM to 7 AM and had to sleep during the day. My job was so f*cking exhausting. I had to move boxes weighing from 5 to 20 KG quickly for 11 hours, which left me with horrible pain all over my body. Now add to this the pressure from people, because they always told me I was doing things wrong and didn't even help me; and not only that, but I also had to stop taking antidepressants. I was literally a slave.

After 1 month, I quit, and you know what I learned?

"Life has lost its meaning for me"
"Money will never make me happy"

Why the hell do I have to suffer to have a "decent" salary and buy everything I like if in the end nothing will make me feel better?
My family tells me, "You can save money to study at college." But will studying at college, in a third world country where there aren't many job opportunities, make me feel better? Why didn't it when I was at college a year ago?

I'm also one of those people who can receive "help", but in the end, receiving help will only postpone my plans to CTB.

In summary, every day things stop being enjoyable for me, and no matter how much I try to recover and do productive things, my perception of the world will remain the same, and I'll still think about CTB.

I've thought about CTB when I'm 40, in about 19-20 years (I'm 21 years old), but this is because sometimes I feel obligated to stay alive until my parents pass away, which doesn't mean I still have many interesting things to do in my life. All I have to do is work in any disgusting thing to help my parents financially until they pass away and I no longer have responsibilities, even though my brothers have better lives and they can do more than me. Therefore, it's possible that I'll CTB sooner...

---

My mind is messed up right now, and I don't know what I forgot to say (thanks, ADHD), but what I can tell you is that in the end, you have the final word and the right to decide what to do with your life.

Both you and I will have to bear the consequences of our own death...

Who knows?
Who cares for me?
C'est la vie...

 

[Alatus_Nemeseos]

Thanks for sharing your story Slveon can I ask in part of your post you mentioned you had the best 2 years of your life, what were you doing during that time where were you in life? How old are you aswell if you mind me asking. I had a friend offer me some advice that didn't work for me but interestingly I'd like to see your response to it

Because you don't seem to be a demotivated person despite you're saying you're lazy given that you seem up for trying things and getting caught in distractions. I had a friend say try something completely new for her it was shooting (were from the UK so it's not something you can do) she joined a club and found she was really good at it and had no idea. Maybe you'd call it a distraction too. I call it an experience but again this is assuming you have the mental energy to get up and try things

Ever been in a relationship has seeking any intimacy interest you?

As for molding what did you do for mods? That sounds kinda cool and comes with alot of commitment

Finally how'd you get on with your family?

You don't need you're reply to any of this. I wish finally want to say thank you for sharing your story with me and if I don't hear from you, whatever you decide to do. I sincerely wish you all the best

 

[cupcakesandmilk]

During my first 15 years of life, my life was completely "normal", there were never incidents that marked me for life. However, after 15, I became more observant of my surroundings and I was always bothered by how bad people were.
Sometimes I would wonder about things like:
People used to tell me:
What people told me fueled my questions, as I didn't see the point of shutting down my mind and being like everyone else.

I get you. Yeah. The same thing happened to me as well when I was 13–14. My dad told me to read the newspaper so as to improve my reading comprehension, and boy, howdy did it mess me up for a short while.

I'm also one of those people who can receive "help", but in the end, receiving help will only postpone my plans to CTB.

I feel the same way; I feel like I'll just be delaying the inevitable. Even if I manage to magically recover for now, I still believe that suicide is gonna be my end, however many years from now it may be.

I've thought about CTB when I'm 40, in about 19-20 years (I'm 21 years old), but this is because sometimes I feel obligated to stay alive until my parents pass away, which doesn't mean I still have many interesting things to do in my life. All I have to do is work in any disgusting thing to help my parents financially until they pass away and I no longer have responsibilities, even though my brothers have better lives and they can do more than me. Therefore, it's possible that I'll CTB sooner...

My "final deadline" for CTB is just before 30, which is the time when I'll be forced to get married because of my country's customs. If I don't CTB in the near future, I'll make sure to try my best to meet my parents's needs until the time comes. It sucks because I'm supposed to be my family's breadwinner after my dad retires :'); my sister tries her best as well but is repeatedly pulled down by the fact that we live in a third world. :/

I sometimes think about how it would've been had I still stayed ignorant, but honestly, a part of me hates turning a blind eye to people's suffering. Fingers crossed it somehow gets easier for both of us; sending virtual hugs. <3

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Thanks for sharing your story Slveon can I ask in part of your post you mentioned you had the best 2 years of your life, what were you doing during that time where were you in life? How old are you aswell if you mind me asking. I had a friend offer me some advice that didn't work for me but interestingly I'd like to see your response to it

Heya, so I recently turned 19 this Feb., The time I was talking about in my post was, ironically, when I was 13–14; during that time, I met my friend group for that particular year, and honestly, that was about the best time of my life. The people I befriended back then were really sweet and genuine, and I never once had to put on any act in front of them, I felt right at home with them, and they liked me for who I was. The next year, my friend group changed again; it didn't feel as genuine, but it was still great. I had some moments here and there where I felt kinda "empty," but it was still a great year for me overall. This was also the time when I started modding video games and even made a couple of friends in the online space...

Because you don't seem to be a demotivated person despite you're saying you're lazy given that you seem up for trying things and getting caught in distractions. I had a friend say try something completely new for her it was shooting (were from the UK so it's not something you can do) she joined a club and found she was really good at it and had no idea. Maybe you'd call it a distraction too. I call it an experience but again this is assuming you have the mental energy to get up and try things

Honestly, I believe that as long as you're passionate about something, it isn't really a distraction, no matter how others may perceive it. For me personally, what I perceive as distractions are the things that make me feel happy but are ultimately pointless in the grand scheme of things, be it doomscrolling or diving into deep rabbit holes at night, and just to be clear, I've got no problems with any of this stuff; I think they're a great way to escape reality, but it becomes somewhat tiresome after a while if they're some of the only things that keep you going. Even if it doesn't, this is not the kind of life I would wanna live.

Ever been in a relationship has seeking any intimacy interest you?

Nope, I've never been in a relationship before. I never understood why people put so much thought into the idea of being in relationships, even during my early teen years. I do understand it now, but it's still not something that intrigues me personally or something that I even have a desire for...

As for molding what did you do for mods? That sounds kinda cool and comes with alot of commitment

Ah, I won't get too much into it here, but it was basically messing about assets in GIMP/Photoshop, trying to bring some older games up to a somewhat modern standard.

Finally how'd you get on with your family?

Thankfully, my relationship with my family has only gotten better with time, despite being somewhat shaky earlier. I'd say I get along with them pretty nicely.

Take care; best wishes to you as well. <3