irregularreconcile
i'm such a coward; these wretched things i do
- Jun 15, 2023
- 65
Journal entry for the first time in a while. It's been a bit, and I've been busy doing dog shit. You know, this is the only place I ever feel comfortable, heard, or in mental alignment with. The internet still scares me.
I will be CTBing in around 2 years, which gives me enough time to finish letters and making art before I pass. It's important for me to have a date to finalize what I want of my life, and have the ability to finally rest.
I've been considering lately what the reasoning and legitamacy of it is, perhaps as residual pro-lifeness still resides in me, but I find a lot of reasons that CTBing will benefit me. Primarily, I'm extremely sick in the brain. In 5 years of clinical and intensive treatment for all kinds of symptoms, I have made no progress. I still can't work and I am exhausted of my abilities to cope, other than SH. Depression is a killer on the more intense spectrum, and I have become comfortable with the fact that I cannot recover due to the intense history of it.
Abuse has left me broken. My mother neglected and abused me chronically, and other outliers in my life turned their backs or abused me harder. I have done EMDR, ECT, etc for this, and I find that it's ok that I'm not strong enough. I'm tired of fighting a flawed mind.
If I pass, the only thing I can hope for is that I am able to find the old version of my mother, before the abuse. I miss her and love her, ans she was the only thing keeping me safe before she changed.
No pressure to read, just another entry. There's more complexities to my reasoning, but I'm already tired of writing, haha.
I will be CTBing in around 2 years, which gives me enough time to finish letters and making art before I pass. It's important for me to have a date to finalize what I want of my life, and have the ability to finally rest.
I've been considering lately what the reasoning and legitamacy of it is, perhaps as residual pro-lifeness still resides in me, but I find a lot of reasons that CTBing will benefit me. Primarily, I'm extremely sick in the brain. In 5 years of clinical and intensive treatment for all kinds of symptoms, I have made no progress. I still can't work and I am exhausted of my abilities to cope, other than SH. Depression is a killer on the more intense spectrum, and I have become comfortable with the fact that I cannot recover due to the intense history of it.
Abuse has left me broken. My mother neglected and abused me chronically, and other outliers in my life turned their backs or abused me harder. I have done EMDR, ECT, etc for this, and I find that it's ok that I'm not strong enough. I'm tired of fighting a flawed mind.
If I pass, the only thing I can hope for is that I am able to find the old version of my mother, before the abuse. I miss her and love her, ans she was the only thing keeping me safe before she changed.
No pressure to read, just another entry. There's more complexities to my reasoning, but I'm already tired of writing, haha.
