My Reality

[goodoldnoname923]

I really wish i could find a better way of describing this delimma because it's one that lacks a solution and one i really want people to understand in length despite the difficulty of it…again i really wish i could explain this better but here we go


I wish I could've stuck with her…I wish things would've been different
I wanna be in her arms…Just forget the world exists
Forget who i am…who i was
I wanna commit myself to someone, I want someone to be my everything and for me to be theirs but i want it to be one of them…i don't want it to be someone new…but its that or die…idk what i prefer

But It doesn't matter what anyone will do…they could do everything blue and kimchi did and more…they could be better than them…but they still wouldn't ever be them…that's ultimately the problem…It's not fair..It's an unrealistic standard and an impossible goal

The thing is…when blue came into my life it took her 3 years to even reach the level i was with kimchi and longer still to surpass her i knew kimchi 2 years before her departure

So how long would it take someone to catch up to blue,to build up trust with me…and even so that would take years and would it even be worth it?

Would they still be the same person after all those years wouldn't i wear them down because thats not even taking into account all my emotional baggage

I need Someone to occupy the void they left…but it's not just about being commited and loyal and everything else that comes along with it

It's dealing with all my emotions my outbursts my clingness my doubts and distrust…and much more I'm probably missing out and as i say after all those years when finally levelling up with blue will it really be worth it…for either of us

Is it worth me waiting…is it worth putting them through it…i don't think so…they're basically setup to fail

And this is the reason i want…need…see no otherway than dying…i need someone who is never going to exist and even if they do is it worth it not only for me but more importantly them

 

[ferrie]

This might be an insensitive question, but do you have BPD? I ask bc I do, and from the snippets I've seen of your posts, we seem to have somewhat similar experiences. It's really heartbreaking to lose someone who was everything to you, even if it's for the better for them. I resonate a lot with feeling like you need someone to fill that void. It's hard to stay alive without a reason, and it's easy for people to become that reason. I personally think relationships are worth it if they come along, even the ones that end up causing distress. To me the purpose of life is connection, and I wouldn't be planning to ctb if I had that. Like you said though, building that up takes time. I don't forsee myself pursuing that. But if you truly still have that hope, I think it's worth it to try. It's not basically setting them up to fail if you are honest about where you're at & they truly care about you. The only thing that 100% guarantees failure is treating it as one before you even try

 

[set0553]

The people who truly care will stand by you no matter what, good times and especially the bad ones.. time will tell you who those people are. they will of course have their own unique personalities, but will always love you, for you!

 

[goodoldnoname923]

This might be an insensitive question, but do you have BPD? I ask bc I do, and from the snippets I've seen of your posts, we seem to have somewhat similar experiences. It's really heartbreaking to lose someone who was everything to you, even if it's for the better for them. I resonate a lot with feeling like you need someone to fill that void. It's hard to stay alive without a reason, and it's easy for people to become that reason. I personally think relationships are worth it if they come along, even the ones that end up causing distress. To me the purpose of life is connection, and I wouldn't be planning to ctb if I had that. Like you said though, building that up takes time. I don't forsee myself pursuing that. But if you truly still have that hope, I think it's worth it to try. It's not basically setting them up to fail if you are honest about where you're at & they truly care about you. The only thing that 100% guarantees failure is treating it as one before you even try

I have highly suspected having BPD yes
The thing is even if someone came that way tomorrow even if would take so long just for them to get where she left off (and ik this because she was the same) fhat would it really be worth it or fair on them…i really thought about it when i was walking up listening to music last night and say for awhile pondering it…its simply not worth it

And i don't have hope anymore because as i said in the post i really sat down and thought about it and realised how unrealistic my aims are really…and its not like i can change a need

And i can be honest about it but its still not fair on them to be dealing with anything me constantly going on about the people from before and any emotional meltdowns i have and clinginess itself not worth it

 

[lost_ange2211]

That's a sad realization. You seem really heartbroken, as heartbroken as I feel still from my past relationship yet I was the one who ended it. I try to get over it still. And I see some self hate in your post too. Which actually is a natural protection strategy - I learned that from therapy.

If the struggle becomes to real for you and your thoughts just fload one way anymore maybe you're right with your decision. I think it's sad you seem like a good person to me but with a bad and troubled past. But you know it's your choice what you'll do in the end!

 

[goodoldnoname923]

That's a sad realization. You seem really heartbroken, as heartbroken as I feel still from my past relationship yet I was the one who ended it. I try to get over it still. And I see some self hate in your post too. Which actually is a natural protection strategy - I learned that from therapy.

If the struggle becomes to real for you and your thoughts just fload one way anymore maybe you're right with your decision. I think it's sad you seem like a good person to me but with a bad and troubled past. But you know it's your choice what you'll do in the end!

Heartbroken definitely but more than that and the problem is i lack the copacity to get over relationships…and thats with anyone especially ones this deep rooted

To this day i'm still not over kimchi and she left years ago yet alone blue…if I can't get over her how do i ever get over blue without finding a replacement that even it they came into my life tomorrow would take aleast half a decade to even get anywhere close to were blue was

Perhaps there is self hate there I didn't realise maybe i'm being somewhat harsh on myself but i'm being realistic too…i know what my needs are i know what i'm like and i know it's realistically unfair on anyone up steps into my life to take on that role or burden because i saw it with blue years prior although i lacked awareness of it back then but on reflection what she will go through will be a fraction of whatever the next person does and that's horrible i don't want to do that to myself or anyone but the reality is i see it as inevitable

I know what my decision is and what i need to do its just getting there,i have a method i'm coming to terms and reality with everything its just going

And i know there is good in me but ultimately because of what happened to me and what i dealt with i'm this mess that has no ability to fix themselves and I can't put myself or others through this anymore

 

[lost_ange2211]

Heartbroken definitely but more than that and the problem is i lack the copacity to get over relationships…and thats with anyone especially ones this deep rooted

To this day i'm still not over kimchi and she left years ago yet alone blue…if I can't get over her how do i ever get over blue without finding a replacement that even it they came into my life tomorrow would take aleast half a decade to even get anywhere close to were blue was

Perhaps there is self hate there I didn't realise maybe i'm being somewhat harsh on myself but i'm being realistic too…i know what my needs are i know what i'm like and i know it's realistically unfair on anyone up steps into my life to take on that role or burden because i saw it with blue years prior although i lacked awareness of it back then but on reflection what she will go through will be a fraction of whatever the next person does and that's horrible i don't want to do that to myself or anyone but the reality is i see it as inevitable

I know what my decision is and what i need to do its just getting there,i have a method i'm coming to terms and reality with everything its just going

And i know there is good in me but ultimately because of what happened to me and what i dealt with i'm this mess that has no ability to fix themselves and I can't put myself or others through this anymore

I'm really sorry it had to go that way. I understand your reasoning and can feel for you. Good luck with your plan!

 

[ferrie]

I have highly suspected having BPD yes
The thing is even if someone came that way tomorrow even if would take so long just for them to get where she left off (and ik this because she was the same) fhat would it really be worth it or fair on them…i really thought about it when i was walking up listening to music last night and say for awhile pondering it…its simply not worth it

And i don't have hope anymore because as i said in the post i really sat down and thought about it and realised how unrealistic my aims are really…and its not like i can change a need

And i can be honest about it but its still not fair on them to be dealing with anything me constantly going on about the people from before and any emotional meltdowns i have and clinginess itself not worth it

I don't know enough about your circumstances to say much more. If you feel your aims are unrealistic, that's fair. I think having the aim itself is some modicum of hope, but I understand your view of not wanting to put yourself and someone else through that process. Whatever route you take, I hope you find some peace

 

[goodoldnoname923]

I don't know enough about your circumstances to say much more. If you feel your aims are unrealistic, that's fair. I think having the aim itself is some modicum of hope, but I understand your view of not wanting to put yourself and someone else through that process. Whatever route you take, I hope you find some peace

I mean again I described my aim in the post as sorts if someone came into my life tomorrow that could fill the void it would take so much time and work for them btw that just wouldn't make it worth it for them or even me

Its not about just i "cba" going again its also unfair on the other person too do that which is what i'm saying