My psychologist appoinment today. I am in a dilemma

[noname223]

Told my psychologist that I hate my life. Described all the topics which make extremely unhappy. I am atm not really very suicidal or depressed. But I feel extremely unhappy and uncomfortable about my life. He still thinks I can get better and there might be a happy end for me. It is very likely an illusion. I tried so much therapy, medication and solving my other problems. Almost anything failed. I admit I had some improvements still my life is not really worth living.
I think for my last psychologists I was one of the worst patients. I know one psychologists is very sad about my case he thinks I will kill myself due to poverty. (He might be right)
My case is kind of a tragedy. Childhood abuse, bullying and since then chronically suicidal. The other psychologist I had has given me up too and thinks the same about me. However I think she does not really care about me anymore. She went pale when she told that the therapy does not make sense anymore. However I think she does not care about my fate. I kind of regret that I sometimes protected her from most painful thoughts.

But now the real dilemma. My current psychologist is very young, inexperienced and I think he will be heartbroken when I tell him about my likely suicide. I have sometimes the feeling that it must be sad to have a patient that most likely has no future. I think the therapy will be over in a few months. We do not make real progress but it really helps to talk with him about my sorrows. At the end of the therapy or some weeks before I am not sure if I will tell him the truth. (In the past I got rejected after that.)

I am approaching the topic hopelessness/suicide slowly. I left more and more hints that I don't want to live like that. And my future (when we talk rational about it) is most likely very unpleasant. I think it would hurt him to know that I probably ctb in the future. On the other hand it does not feel right not to tell him about that.
I think I will tell him the truth but slowly...

 

[Symbiote]

Psychologists only help those who are able to help themselves. Otherwise it be a waste of time and money. Are you being forced to see one or are you trying to get validation from one of them saying it's okay for you to suicide?

 

[noname223]

There were like 5% my life gets good when I started seeing him. I had the hope with him I could increase the percentage. He kind of motivated me to go one in trying to recover despite several setbacks and I liked that. However 2 months ago I had a major setback and my biggest chance to recover was not successful. There is still tiny hope. I still want to keep going and trying to get better.
But if I think rational about it I see that my chances are not good.
To be honest I have a good health insurance and the talk about my mental health helps to cope. Sadly most often only temporarily.

My case costs the society a lot of money. My insurance must hate me lmao. I go to clinics, make therapy, try a lot of medication. Most of that only helps temporarily. There is basically no cost for me. If the society would treat me better (higher welfare/ assisted suicide) it would be better for both sides. But as long as that is not the case I will go for the therapy they pay for me. There is the little chance it helps. No wonder the insurance system in my country is broken.