Story my personal diary and venting thread

[whorror]

Hi, everyone. I thought I'd make a thread where I post a general introduction about myself, along with some vents and whatever's happening in my life.

First things first!

I'm from Europe, I'm 29 years old, and I use she/they pronouns. I'm diagnosed with ADHD (I'm on treatment), BPD, PTSD (I mostly refer to it as C-PTSD), Bipolar Type 2, depression, and anxiety. Yeah, I know, it's a lot. I'm on 6 different meds, every damn category you can name: stimulants, antidepressants, mood stabilizers, and antipsychotics. I actually have 3 antidepressants. I'm the entire circus.

I first found out about SaSu in 2022. I've been a lurker ever since. I actually had 2 accounts that I forgot the passwords to (and the names of); (sorry, I'm really ADHD), so this is like my 3rd account. So let's hope this one stays.

I have been depressed and suicidal for more than half of my life. I've gone through a lot of breakups and lost a lot of friendships in general because of my immense fear of abandonment. I was, and still am, really dependent on other people. I make them my world, and then that world begins to tremble at some point. I'm just a silent observer of my own disaster without having any say whatsoever.

With BPD, I feel like I'm two people in one. Anders from Dragon Age 2 is extremely relatable to me (let me know if you've played the series), and so is Naruto. His rage, the way he values friendship so highly, everything. But I'm a little bit off-topic.

I love movies and TV shows. I'm a cinephile. My favorite movies are Mulholland Drive, Aftersun, Suspiria (the old one), and The Substance.

I love games. I've played all sorts of games, but I really liked Disco Elysium, Dragon Age: Origins, Dragon Age 2, Fields of Mistria (a farming sim), Left 4 Dead 2, and The Outlast Trials, just to name a few.

I love reading, especially political books and Marxist theory. I'm an anarchist myself, and I've been involved in the political scene. I have a cat, my favorite color is red, and I'm a huge Britney Spears fan!

I'm currently unemployed and have been for 3 years, living with help from my friends and family. I'm too mentally unwell to hold even the tiniest job, and I struggle every day with food. Sometimes I don't have anything to eat, or I eat cat food because it's cheap. I live alone, and I really enjoy the quiet: me and my cat, a movie or a game or a book.

This is just the beginning. I'll post vents here and stuff that happens to me. I just wanna feel seen and heard, I guess.

I love this community and how kind everyone is, and I'm looking forward to meeting new people. People have told me I'm a good listener.

In any case, this is a little about me. Feel free to ask me anything! Hugs!

 

[whorror]

Posted this in a new thread, but I'm just going to copy paste it here:

My best friend is the person I love the most out of everyone, and I'm so happy and glad she is in my life. We've had our ups and downs, but we always found our way back to each other. She did a lot of things to make me as comfortable as possible because of my diagnosis and fear of abandonment. She did things for me that she never did for anyone else. Everything was so good until HE showed up.

There is this guy who initially had a romantic crush on her, but she already had a boyfriend, so he wanted to stay friends with her. I can't help but feel threatened by him and by how much he wants to interfere between me and her.

Me and my best friend have this little thing of ours where we play a game together and talk shit about the characters, the action, everything. We've done this with dozens of games. So this guy is so desperate that he also played almost every other game she played, probably just to get her attention. She already had someone to play those games with. My guy, you are not me, so know your fucking place and stay out of it.

Also, when he is texting her, she is barely able to reply to me because this fucking lame, desperate man always replies right on the spot, no matter the hour. So I always feel like I have to compete with him for my best friend's attention. I hate seeing him online because I immediately start thinking that he's talking to her again.

Unfortunately, my best friend likes D&D and I don't play, but he does. I am so unlucky. And he plays with her. He is so desperate for her attention that he has asked her three times already to play with him, and he didn't even include me in the invitation.

You know what that means, right? It means war. I fucking know what you're doing and how you're trying to go for the next best thing, since the boyfriend spot is already taken. You want to become her best friend because you're desperate. If you think for one second that I don't know what you're doing, think twice, motherfucker. I fucking know what you are, and you don't fool me.

Sorry, I had to vent. I hate this guy. I hope he finally finds a girlfriend and stops being so desperate over my best friend.

You are not going to take her from me, asshole.

 

[whorror]

Another day of going to sleep again being hungry. I just wish I won't wake up this time.

 

[whorror]

Just woke up and already checking his status. My heart skips a beat everytime I've see him online on discord. I just want to be at peace again, without him in the back of my mind. This is hurtful.

 

[whorror]

I feel so empty. Like I have this feeling where I don't know what to do with me. I'm also understimulated due to my ADHD. Can't drink any more caffeine, I already drank a lot. Maybe I'll get a heart attack and get over with.

 

[whorror]

If I have to convince you to stay, then you already left. Why is it always like that? Am I broken?

 

[whorror]

I'm mourning that life I could have had. It it wasn't for so many mental health issues, for an abusive household, for a narc mother and an absent father. I wonder day after day how my life could have been if I had an ounce of luck. Just an ounce. But instead I'm forced to live this life of mine, that I didn't even ask for.

 

[whorror]

I just charged my other phone just so I could stalk you from the fake discord account. And I see how you are online and I get panicked and sweaty palms everytime I see that green dot. I hate you and how you came like a desperate in the life of my best friend. You have no place here, that place is taken and it is already mine.

God, I could scream my lungs out due to how angry I am at you. I fantasize about punching you, am I such a bad person? I don't know anymore. But I hate your guts.

Still watching your online status. You are still there. It's saturday, don't you have anything better to do than talking to her? Fucking lame desperate man.

You know what? You torment me every day, from the very moment I wake up, so it's only fair to fantasize, at least, about punching you. A punch would mean nothing compared to the pain you make me endure day after day. So, yeah, I'm in a lot of pain. I don't care if I'm an asshole for wanting to punch you anymore.

 

[whorror]

I don't have it in me to punch you. I'm making a fool of myself. I'm just pretending to be tough, but deep down, I struggle. I'm too naive, too regretful. I wouldn't have done that even if I had the possibility. Who am I fooling?

What an irony. Life keeps hitting me with stuff all the time, and I'm just an empty bag, ready to be punched. But I'm not fighting back. I let myself be beaten up, thinking that this time it might be different. But it's not. It's the same shit, with me naively expecting a different result. It won't happen.

So, I guess I'm too sensitive. Life is not meant for sensitive people, but for those who are able to punch back when the opportunity arises, unfortunately.

 

[whorror]

If I'm asking a question, don't just leave me on read, I fucking hate that. Great, now I'm fucking triggered.

 

[whorror]

Again competing for attention. God, I'm so tired of always racing for something that I won't win anyway. It's never me. Always others. I'm the broken one and the mistake. I'm always less of a person than others, I deserve less than others, I'm not as interesting as others. What am I missing? What am I always missing?
If she is offline, you are offline as well. The moment she comes back online and text me you come back online too. Coincidence? No fucking way. Bruh, get a life already. I can't fucking talk with my best friend if you are back online the second she comes back. I'm so sick and tired of your presence, I'm barely holding it back not to text you some shit right now like you fucking deserve. I broke a glass already because of how angry I am.

I might as well SH. I need this type of pain to cope with the emotional one. I can't cope with the emotional one, I'm so mad.

FUCK YOU.

 

[whorror]

I don't wanna talk with you. Fucking talk with him. You two are made for eachother. I hate you both