alilyofthevalley
they/them disappointment
- Nov 3, 2025
- 14
forgive me for my idealising.
it's late at night, probably between 11pm-1am. i've had a decent last meal, listened to my favourite songs, prepared an inconspicuous enough note somewhere in my room. i'm a couple drinks in already for courage, and i've booked an ride share to the beach because i can't drive, maybe i tell the driver to drop me off to a random house, my paranoid brain tells me it might look weird getting dropped off at the beach at this time of night, alone.
i've never been out to the beach this late, it's extraordinarily dark, but beautiful. no stars, unfortunately, cities will do that to our sky. i chose this beach for its relative closeness and i imagine, a lack of people at this time. i say thank you to the driver and step out. the wind is strong and i make my way into the sand.
beer bottles clink in my tote bag, reminding me to get them out. it is so peaceful. the waves might be the most beautiful sound in the world. i listen to some music in one ear of my earphones, letting the waves and the instruments sing together. slowly i get less and less anxious.
when i decide it is time, i take off my shoes. let my feet connect to the grains of sand below, i lay them neatly next to my bag, my earphones, phone, everything else. i stand up and let the drink and wind dance with our partner, the shore. the nettles of ice wind set my skin alight a dull roar.
i am scared, but i continue, i make my way down, my feet finally touching the solid surface of wet sand, and dip my toes in, it is extremely cold, but it'll be bearable soon.
i slowly make my way through the water, feeling my waves bounce against my regular dress wear. i'm not in swimwear. i probably should be. but it's not like i'm trying to survive this anyway.
my skirt billows against the clear water like a mushroom cap, and soon i am floating. floating in the water. my skin is so so cold but i feel so so free.
of course, i'd considered the many options of what would happen from here on out…
i slowly drift away from the shore, until all i can see is dark horizons, eventually my legs tire and i drown, (i was never a good swimmer) sinking, an anchor.
a more likely option is a shark: after all, i am in its quarters, i had invaded its home, its peaceful knowing i served the most natural purpose for such a interesting animal.
the salt surrounds me but everything feels sweet, i arrive at that time right before death, where the panic sets in, the biological response, and know i did enough, i fought back just one last time.
who knows what happens after that.
it's late at night, probably between 11pm-1am. i've had a decent last meal, listened to my favourite songs, prepared an inconspicuous enough note somewhere in my room. i'm a couple drinks in already for courage, and i've booked an ride share to the beach because i can't drive, maybe i tell the driver to drop me off to a random house, my paranoid brain tells me it might look weird getting dropped off at the beach at this time of night, alone.
i've never been out to the beach this late, it's extraordinarily dark, but beautiful. no stars, unfortunately, cities will do that to our sky. i chose this beach for its relative closeness and i imagine, a lack of people at this time. i say thank you to the driver and step out. the wind is strong and i make my way into the sand.
beer bottles clink in my tote bag, reminding me to get them out. it is so peaceful. the waves might be the most beautiful sound in the world. i listen to some music in one ear of my earphones, letting the waves and the instruments sing together. slowly i get less and less anxious.
when i decide it is time, i take off my shoes. let my feet connect to the grains of sand below, i lay them neatly next to my bag, my earphones, phone, everything else. i stand up and let the drink and wind dance with our partner, the shore. the nettles of ice wind set my skin alight a dull roar.
i am scared, but i continue, i make my way down, my feet finally touching the solid surface of wet sand, and dip my toes in, it is extremely cold, but it'll be bearable soon.
i slowly make my way through the water, feeling my waves bounce against my regular dress wear. i'm not in swimwear. i probably should be. but it's not like i'm trying to survive this anyway.
my skirt billows against the clear water like a mushroom cap, and soon i am floating. floating in the water. my skin is so so cold but i feel so so free.
of course, i'd considered the many options of what would happen from here on out…
i slowly drift away from the shore, until all i can see is dark horizons, eventually my legs tire and i drown, (i was never a good swimmer) sinking, an anchor.
a more likely option is a shark: after all, i am in its quarters, i had invaded its home, its peaceful knowing i served the most natural purpose for such a interesting animal.
the salt surrounds me but everything feels sweet, i arrive at that time right before death, where the panic sets in, the biological response, and know i did enough, i fought back just one last time.
who knows what happens after that.
