Story My pathetic story

[dysfunctional]

Hi everyone, been lurking the site for awhile, finally made an account. Figured I'd share my story and see what people thought. Sorry for how long this is.
I'm 33 years old, for my entire life until about 6 months ago I was extremely active outdoors, had alot of great friends, was independent, motivated, and smoked weed all day every day. My house and truck were super organized and clean and I had a really fierce work ethic. Weed was always there to help me focus and motivate.
Then everything changed... I got offered a pretty high profile job forestry job in alaska. I also got offered another really good forestry job in my own area (I live in the pacific northwest united states). The alaska gig looked like I would make quite a bit more money, so I ended up taking it. The catch is, I had to stop smoking weed as it was a drug testing position. I figured I could use a little change as far as cannabis went, and the job only lasted 6 months so I could come home and smoke again and take the winter off to ski. I declined what was pretty much a dream job in my own area, packed up everything and drove 5 days to alaska. Was incredibly excited to get up there.
When I arrived at the house where I was renting a room, the house turned out to be filthy. I knew the guy had two cats, who cares right? But he never cleaned and the whole house was covered in deep cat hair and stains and cat litter, etc. The place smelled like death from the cats and he also collected all types of animal parts like uncleaned moose skulls, whale guts, etc. (He is into native american crafts).
Then I started my job. I was hired to lead research crews up there. I had some friends that got me the job even though I had little experience with that stuff. I quickly saw that I wasn't picking up what I needed to be able to do for the job. My confidence started to drop. After a month of training, we headed out to start work.
We stayed on a boat which was incredibly cramped. I'm tall- 6' 3" and had to duck for the ceilings in the boat. It was generally cloudy and rainy. After 8 days on the boat, it was time for 6 days off. Sounds great right? I just couldn't find a way to keep occupied. I started chain smoking cigarettes and laying in bed all day. Crazy anxiety overcame me. Worried about irrational things and feeling really homesick. I was taking a ton of kratom which would help but I think made my anxiety/depression worse at that point.
I ended up quitting my job and heading home. I did this despite the fact that I knew any job I could get back home wasn't going to be good. There's a construction boom where I live, but I have joint problems that prevent me from doing that. I have no experience in food service which is the other main industry.
So I started the drive back. Extreme anxiety and depression overtook me at this point. Started to have a really hard time sleeping. Barely ate any food. By the time I got back, my formerly lean, muscular body had deteriorated into frailty. This was a huge shock to my confidence.
I suddenly had insane problems with basic daily tasks. Unpacking and reorganizing my stuff into my house seemed nearly impossible. I still have stuff strewn all over the place. My fears of finding a good job became real. I was sleeping 2-3 hours a night. I checked into an inpatient mental health clinic for 5 days. Did not help. I got a job basically picking up trash on construction sites. My work ethic had gone to shit, and I spent most of the days hiding out and smoking cigarettes. My old friend weed didn't have a good effect on me anymore, just amplified my stress and anxiety. Brought my mistakes into focus much more clearly. Then I started binge drinking like a freak. Starting to drink first thing in the morning just so I could maybe get a nap. I ended up blacking out and shitting all over a bunch of my house. Self respect/confidence gone at this point.
I finally contacted my parents, who are very loving, and they came to help me clean the house, get groceries, etc. Then I started compulsively eating and gained a bunch of weight on top of my now frail body. I had been prescribed anti depressants and was seeing a therapist.
Which brings me to now. The anti depressants have seemed to numb some of the really sharp anxiety. I basically don't feel any emotions except self hatred and disorganization. I can't stop thinking about how great my life was. I spend every day in bed or on the couch and struggle to do the smallest things like a load of laundry. I feel incredibly scattered. I don't hike or go fishing anymore. Rarely hang out with friends as I'm so depressed I can't even laugh or enjoy a conversation. Everyone is doing so well and I compare myself to them and it crushes me. I've barely worked in the past months, and my parents pay my bills. I know I'm fortunate for the support, but this makes me hate myself much more. I obsess about suicide all day. I really want to die but don't feel "brave enough". The inpatient clinic took away my guns. I've considered hanging but don't have the fortitude for it.
This is all embarrasing to me because even as I write it I realize how pathetic it sounds. I've never been abused or anything like that. I know I need to just stop focus on the past and get busy organizing my life and start working again. Everything I do feels totally wrong and scattered so I just give up. I had how pathetic and powerless I feel and want it all to be over. Thanks for reading.

 

[Ashpac]

That sucks. Seems like things spiralled out of control very quickly once you took that job.

Is there no way you can take the other job in your own area? Is it too late?

I can safely say if things dont improve for you your mood will get worse and worse, where you wont just think about suicide you will fantasise about methods of suicide, then from there you will think I need to do it, its time to leave. You will be so cold and depressed inside, you wont socialise at all and the only thing on your mind will be which method to choose to end your life and who knows you might actually go through with it even though you say you wont at the minute.

Years of depression did this to me.

 

[dysfunctional]

Thanks for the reply, no I can't take the other job. I asked about it. But, they did open it again and I did apply- so maybe they'll choose me again.
Unfortunately, I'm already kindof where you're talking about. I research methods a large part of the day and barely ever socialize. I've been so scattered and lost so much confidence that I don't know how I can even make it work if I did get that job again. Super pathetic I know.

Today I'm trying to take a step forward by organizing my garage but gave up after about 2 minutes. Everything in there reminds me of who I used to be.

Suicide seems so appealing, but I know that keeping it as an option lets me just give up on getting better. I'll try to do something and just be like, hell with it, I'm going to kill myself anyway.

Sad but that's where I'm at.

 

[Ashpac]

Ive only managed to start seeing the light last week after 15 years of depression. Im longer surrounded by darkness and thats because im getting a job and moving out where i live now. I feel free. Ive tried to kill myself more than once this year and if my plan works out ill be so happy I did not manage to end my life this year.

I hope things get better for you though. Im pro choice not pro life before anyone says different.

 

[dysfunctional]

Ive only managed to start seeing the light last week after 15 years of depression. Im longer surrounded by darkness and thats because im getting a job and moving out where i live now. I feel free. Ive tried to kill myself more than once this year and if my plan works out ill be so happy I did not manage to end my life this year.

I hope things get better for you though. Im pro choice not pro life before anyone says different.

Anything in particular that helped you come out of it before you got your new job?

 

[Ashpac]

I was stuck in a rut for many years. It never changed no matter how hard I tried to change it.
Since last week I now know my routine is going to change. By moving out and getting a job that has cheered me up alot.
However studying for my A level has made me excited. I love to study things as I have turned into a geek these past few years from being a party animal in my younger days. For me, that is how I started seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I have goals now and its stopped the dark thoughts. Although Im sure they will come back if something bad happens, but im gonna try my best and stay strong. Oh, and staying off alcohol helps me. When I drink thats when i self destruct so Im doing everything I can to not fall back into my old pattern/routine. No more alcohol for me. Ive noticed a big difference in my mood.

For you, it will be different. What things did you used to like? what things do you want out of life? when you realise what they are how are you going to get them?

Im not patronising you this is what ive asked myself so that I can reach my goals.

 

[dysfunctional]

I was stuck in a rut for many years. It never changed no matter how hard I tried to change it.
Since last week I now know my routine is going to change. By moving out and getting a job that has cheered me up alot.
However studying for my A level has made me excited. I love to study things as I have turned into a geek these past few years from being a party animal in my younger days. For me, that is how I started seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I have goals now and its stopped the dark thoughts. Although Im sure they will come back if something bad happens, but im gonna try my best and stay strong. Oh, and staying off alcohol helps me. When I drink thats when i self destruct so Im doing everything I can to not fall back into my old pattern/routine. No more alcohol for me. Ive noticed a big difference in my mood.

For you, it will be different. What things did you used to like? what things do you want out of life? when you realise what they are how are you going to get them?

Im not patronising you this is what ive asked myself so that I can reach my goals.

I used to love all things outdoors- I live in a mountain town. Fly fishing, hiking, skiing, mtn biking. Used to love hanging out with friends- I'm fortunate to have quite a few. What I want (wanted) out of life is to use my skills and abilities to help the environment. Make enough money to support myself doing it. Something that I had done for years. To do that I either need to reinvest/improve/rebuild my landscaping company or get back in with the forest service. I think that's what effed me up so bad, I had the dream job handed to me, then I took a different one for more money and it all went to shit.

I know this is the logical way to look at things, but my brain doesn't respond at this point. I have good things come my way and I just feel numb and ineffective. I honestly can't understand it. I should've been overjoyed when they opened up my old "dream" job again but now my emotions are so flat. I need to force myself to at least fake it till I make it, but seem not to be able to.

Thanks again for the reply

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

You got knocked out .

Groggy , shocked , 'this can't be happening' ....

Until now you have been a winner in your life .

This experience changed the narrative .

Narratives are plastic and pliable .

You can reinterpret the whole experience as a growing pains ( and they never stop ... life is growth and it always hurts ) wound .

You were running with the bull's and got gored , you slipped off the mountain , the adventure bit back .

Plenty of folk never leave the comfort zone , never get wounded and never grow.

What would have happened if you'd taken the local job ?

Maybe there was a part of you that wanted to test yourself ... but didn't know what for or how ?
Maybe the extra money was just an excuse to push the boundaries ?
Maybe you weren't that 'happy' and wanted to shake things up a bit ?

There's probably a lot of other stuff going on in your life that doesn't seem that relevant to post , or is too sensitive ,
That's fine , but as long as you deal with any other issues with a therapist ...

It seems to me like you have opened a doorway into self knowlege , that is initially traumatic and shocking.

( This is probably not that helpful , and I apologize , I'm kind of obsessed with my own emotional disarray , and take an interest in other's
difficulties with their reality .)I always nag people to write their stories ... it might help identify some drama that is bubbling away that this latest trouble maybe unearthed .... )

 

[Lra888]

Thanks for sharing. It's quite shocking how life events & setbacks can collapse everything. At this point I'm barely able to function and it's hell to be living like this. Awful to admit but researching methods is the one thing that seems to calm me down slightly.

 

[Suicide47]

Hi everyone, been lurking the site for awhile, finally made an account. Figured I'd share my story and see what people thought. Sorry for how long this is.
I'm 33 years old, for my entire life until about 6 months ago I was extremely active outdoors, had alot of great friends, was independent, motivated, and smoked weed all day every day. My house and truck were super organized and clean and I had a really fierce work ethic. Weed was always there to help me focus and motivate.
Then everything changed... I got offered a pretty high profile job forestry job in alaska. I also got offered another really good forestry job in my own area (I live in the pacific northwest united states). The alaska gig looked like I would make quite a bit more money, so I ended up taking it. The catch is, I had to stop smoking weed as it was a drug testing position. I figured I could use a little change as far as cannabis went, and the job only lasted 6 months so I could come home and smoke again and take the winter off to ski. I declined what was pretty much a dream job in my own area, packed up everything and drove 5 days to alaska. Was incredibly excited to get up there.
When I arrived at the house where I was renting a room, the house turned out to be filthy. I knew the guy had two cats, who cares right? But he never cleaned and the whole house was covered in deep cat hair and stains and cat litter, etc. The place smelled like death from the cats and he also collected all types of animal parts like uncleaned moose skulls, whale guts, etc. (He is into native american crafts).
Then I started my job. I was hired to lead research crews up there. I had some friends that got me the job even though I had little experience with that stuff. I quickly saw that I wasn't picking up what I needed to be able to do for the job. My confidence started to drop. After a month of training, we headed out to start work.
We stayed on a boat which was incredibly cramped. I'm tall- 6' 3" and had to duck for the ceilings in the boat. It was generally cloudy and rainy. After 8 days on the boat, it was time for 6 days off. Sounds great right? I just couldn't find a way to keep occupied. I started chain smoking cigarettes and laying in bed all day. Crazy anxiety overcame me. Worried about irrational things and feeling really homesick. I was taking a ton of kratom which would help but I think made my anxiety/depression worse at that point.
I ended up quitting my job and heading home. I did this despite the fact that I knew any job I could get back home wasn't going to be good. There's a construction boom where I live, but I have joint problems that prevent me from doing that. I have no experience in food service which is the other main industry.
So I started the drive back. Extreme anxiety and depression overtook me at this point. Started to have a really hard time sleeping. Barely ate any food. By the time I got back, my formerly lean, muscular body had deteriorated into frailty. This was a huge shock to my confidence.
I suddenly had insane problems with basic daily tasks. Unpacking and reorganizing my stuff into my house seemed nearly impossible. I still have stuff strewn all over the place. My fears of finding a good job became real. I was sleeping 2-3 hours a night. I checked into an inpatient mental health clinic for 5 days. Did not help. I got a job basically picking up trash on construction sites. My work ethic had gone to shit, and I spent most of the days hiding out and smoking cigarettes. My old friend weed didn't have a good effect on me anymore, just amplified my stress and anxiety. Brought my mistakes into focus much more clearly. Then I started binge drinking like a freak. Starting to drink first thing in the morning just so I could maybe get a nap. I ended up blacking out and shitting all over a bunch of my house. Self respect/confidence gone at this point.
I finally contacted my parents, who are very loving, and they came to help me clean the house, get groceries, etc. Then I started compulsively eating and gained a bunch of weight on top of my now frail body. I had been prescribed anti depressants and was seeing a therapist.
Which brings me to now. The anti depressants have seemed to numb some of the really sharp anxiety. I basically don't feel any emotions except self hatred and disorganization. I can't stop thinking about how great my life was. I spend every day in bed or on the couch and struggle to do the smallest things like a load of laundry. I feel incredibly scattered. I don't hike or go fishing anymore. Rarely hang out with friends as I'm so depressed I can't even laugh or enjoy a conversation. Everyone is doing so well and I compare myself to them and it crushes me. I've barely worked in the past months, and my parents pay my bills. I know I'm fortunate for the support, but this makes me hate myself much more. I obsess about suicide all day. I really want to die but don't feel "brave enough". The inpatient clinic took away my guns. I've considered hanging but don't have the fortitude for it.
This is all embarrasing to me because even as I write it I realize how pathetic it sounds. I've never been abused or anything like that. I know I need to just stop focus on the past and get busy organizing my life and start working again. Everything I do feels totally wrong and scattered so I just give up. I had how pathetic and powerless I feel and want it all to be over. Thanks for reading.

Hi there! Interesting story, sounds like very recent this all has happened and it's a lot to deal with all at once. For the work, don't obsess over money. I'm a believer in God so I say - he doesn't give us what we need. He gives us the opportunity for us to decide what it is we need. That being said, new job opportunities will find you. I'm currently in the same position- I hate my job, if I move out of my parents and pay rent I will have about $100 a month to pay my $65 phone bill, then car and gas and food. Impossible. But anyways, don't stress over a job. Second, weed makes you feel good when you're doing good but I realized if I'm by myself in a bad atmosphere I'm beyond paranoid. When I go out with my friends and smoke I'm vibing really well. Also, working out deff helps depression and obviously confidence. When I'm depressed sometimes my brother drags me to the gym and for the time being it helps. I also go tanning to help my depression lol. I think your best bet would be to hold off on the suicide because you know what you're capable of doing. People end up in bad situations, it's just testing your strength. Go hang out with friends maybe drink just a little and smoke, work on getting back into the gym since that used to be a passion of yours. Eat healthy foods bc that also helps with depression and then work on cleaning up for a nice atmosphere and then back to your job. You're surrounded by people who care and who love and support you and it's too early to give up hope rn. I wish you luck, please lmk how you make out with everything! Will pray for you

 

[Schopenhauer]

Hard times, man. I'm sorry for your situation. When I reached the middle of your story, I was thinking about medication, but then I saw that you are already on antidepressants.

Keep in mind that I'm not pro-life or anything, but just as the poster above suggested, you should hold off the suicide for now, and try to get your life back in shape. You sounded like a really positive person at the start of your tale. And you're already ambivalent about dying.

Give it some time, always trying to improve yourself. Start on a diet (low carb really works for me), and work out. Try to get back into shape. That's always a boost to self-esteem. Keep on looking for better jobs.

There's always time for suicide later, if everything fails. Researching methods now is fine, though. It always made me feel better through the hard years, knowing that I've an available exit.

 

[dysfunctional]

Thanks for sharing. It's quite shocking how life events & setbacks can collapse everything. At this point I'm barely able to function and it's hell to be living like this. Awful to admit but researching methods is the one thing that seems to calm me down slightly.

Can totally relate. It is total hell. I spend hours researching methods as an escape and also watching terrible suicide videos on kaotic.com thinking how great it would be if it was me in the vids. The crazy thing is all methods are brutal or complicated and how could I pull off killing myself if I can barely wash my socks.

 

[dysfunctional]

You got knocked out .

Groggy , shocked , 'this can't be happening' ....

Until now you have been a winner in your life .

This experience changed the narrative .

Narratives are plastic and pliable .

You can reinterpret the whole experience as a growing pains ( and they never stop ... life is growth and it always hurts ) wound .

You were running with the bull's and got gored , you slipped off the mountain , the adventure bit back .

Plenty of folk never leave the comfort zone , never get wounded and never grow.

What would have happened if you'd taken the local job ?

Maybe there was a part of you that wanted to test yourself ... but didn't know what for or how ?
Maybe the extra money was just an excuse to push the boundaries ?
Maybe you weren't that 'happy' and wanted to shake things up a bit ?

There's probably a lot of other stuff going on in your life that doesn't seem that relevant to post , or is too sensitive ,
That's fine , but as long as you deal with any other issues with a therapist ...

It seems to me like you have opened a doorway into self knowlege , that is initially traumatic and shocking.

( This is probably not that helpful , and I apologize , I'm kind of obsessed with my own emotional disarray , and take an interest in other's
difficulties with their reality .)I always nag people to write their stories ... it might help identify some drama that is bubbling away that this latest trouble maybe unearthed .... )

Thanks for the reply. It is helpful to hear what I know is true. I did go out on a limb to seek adventure and it didn't work out. Shouldn't be that big of a deal right? That's what I need to get myself to accept.

What would have happened if I took the local job. Alot of people have asked me that. In my head, my awesome life would have just continued and have gotten even better. But it's true, who knows?

"It can't be happening" so true. I experience this many times per day. Then my heart races and I realize it is definitely happening. Sometimes this helps me fall asleep, just imagining I'm back in my former life.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

Thanks for the reply. It is helpful to hear what I know is true. I did go out on a limb to seek adventure and it didn't work out. Shouldn't be that big of a deal right? That's what I need to get myself to accept.

What would have happened if I took the local job. Alot of people have asked me that. In my head, my awesome life would have just continued and have gotten even better. But it's true, who knows?

"It can't be happening" so true. I experience this many times per day. Then my heart races and I realize it is definitely happening. Sometimes this helps me fall asleep, just imagining I'm back in my former life.

You may be in shock .
A trauma reaction .

bare that in mind .

Maybe you need a while to process things .

This kind of upset is very disorienting .

Have you considered you may be experiencing PTSD ?( losely speaking )

I think we can trick ourselves into being hyper critical of ourselves ... saying that things were 'no big deal' when they actually destroyed us .
We can try and devalue what the problem is in order to try and rise above it .
But it actually disempowers us further because it de-legitimizes the suffering.
It is actually completely human and 'normal' to get bowled over by something.

It may even be totally normal to 'catastrophise' and desire oblivion to end the pain .
I think it probably is .
So don't beat yourself up about that as well .... !


Don't underestimate the reality of being emotionally off balance , and how that is impacting on your thinking .

It may take a little while , and some help from a therapist , or a few different ones ...

I don't have any answers , but it seems to me there is hope for you , even though it doesn't feel like it at the moment .

 

[dysfunctional]

You may be in shock .
A trauma reaction .

bare that in mind .

Maybe you need a while to process things .

This kind of upset is very disorienting .

Have you considered you may be experiencing PTSD ?( losely speaking )

I think we can trick ourselves into being hyper critical of ourselves ... saying that things were 'no big deal' when they actually destroyed us .
We can try and devalue what the problem is in order to try and rise above it .
But it actually disempowers us further because it de-legitimizes the suffering.
It is actually completely human and 'normal' to get bowled over by something.

It may even be totally normal to 'catastrophise' and desire oblivion to end the pain .
I think it probably is .
So don't beat yourself up about that as well .... !


Don't underestimate the reality of being emotionally off balance , and how that is impacting on your thinking .

It may take a little while , and some help from a therapist , or a few different ones ...

I don't have any answers , but it seems to me there is hope for you , even though it doesn't feel like it at the moment .

Thanks for this, very positive.
It's been disorienting for sure! My therapist thought maybe there's ptsd involved. We've done a couple sessions of EMDR, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. Supposed to help with that kind of thing. I didn't notice any positive effect. I realize that I may not be allowing that and other treatments to help because I'm so focused on hating myself. Irrational I know, but its what's been controlling me for a while now.

I feel like a big part of it is not smoking weed anymore. Its absolutely crazy because 1, its weed, not a hard drug. But it used to be what really focused and motivated me. I grew up being diagnosed with ADD, the ritalin and other stimulants never helped. Weed brought me laser focus when I learned how to harness it. Now it doesn't help anymore, just makes me a stoned version of my lame current self. So I'm kindof stuck in the middle of that.

I want to get better and do the things that will help, exercise, organize my house. But when I try to do them, I feel so scattered its unbelievable! Piles of gear that I know neatly stacked into a certain area, I literally can't make them fit! That's the craziest part of it. Sometimes I don't even necessarily feel depressed, just non functioning. I guess that's where the depression comes from at this point. I really can't understand it. Depression makes sense sure, but not being able to do normal tasks? There's not even a term for that as far as I know. In all reality I think it is my self hatred not allowing myself to succeed. Self defeating thoughts come in when I try to do things and I can't turn them off. It robs me of all my focus.

 

[Terminally drunk]

Just wondering is there any history of mental illness in your family tree. You may have triggered something from quitting all that weed. From not being able to sleep to not thinking straight. A psychosis of sorts mayby. Even a skitzo active disorder. I doubt you would of cared about the cats rubbish in the new place/sober life if you where high. Just my 2 cents. But could that be the route cause?

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

Thanks for this, very positive.
It's been disorienting for sure! My therapist thought maybe there's ptsd involved. We've done a couple sessions of EMDR, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. Supposed to help with that kind of thing. I didn't notice any positive effect. I realize that I may not be allowing that and other treatments to help because I'm so focused on hating myself. Irrational I know, but its what's been controlling me for a while now.

I feel like a big part of it is not smoking weed anymore. Its absolutely crazy because 1, its weed, not a hard drug. But it used to be what really focused and motivated me. I grew up being diagnosed with ADD, the ritalin and other stimulants never helped. Weed brought me laser focus when I learned how to harness it. Now it doesn't help anymore, just makes me a stoned version of my lame current self. So I'm kindof stuck in the middle of that.

I want to get better and do the things that will help, exercise, organize my house. But when I try to do them, I feel so scattered its unbelievable! Piles of gear that I know neatly stacked into a certain area, I literally can't make them fit! That's the craziest part of it. Sometimes I don't even necessarily feel depressed, just non functioning. I guess that's where the depression comes from at this point. I really can't understand it. Depression makes sense sure, but not being able to do normal tasks? There's not even a term for that as far as I know. In all reality I think it is my self hatred not allowing myself to succeed. Self defeating thoughts come in when I try to do things and I can't turn them off. It robs me of all my focus.

Cheers

It's hard to roll into a fox hole when you're shooting at yourself ... there's no cover .

Why do we take it out on ourselves like this ?

what the fuck ?

The old weed is quite a powerful thing ... ( our susceptibility can change over time ... )

Maybe the ADD is making a come back ?
Difficulty focusing ....

It's a juggling of short term coping / survival and long term strategies .

I'd be interested to hear how that eye movement thing goes in the future , and I think your right in saying you may be blocking stuff with your emotional state .

Our inner world is a mysterious place ...

 

[GeorgeEastman]

Too much energy sucks. Contributes to all this damn anxiety.

I stopped being nervous when I started eating like a mouse. But now I've become frail enough that I eat enough to keep my weight and still have all this damn energy for nervousness.

Sounds like I need to cut back on eating again. Maybe starve myself down to where I could have a cardiac arrest from anorexia or something. I'm not there yet, but I could probably do it. Only thing holding me back is if I lose more weight I won't be able to open doors. They're heavy enough as it is.

This ain't happening. Have to stay the weight I am until I get cancer or something to make me too damn sick to eat anymore.

 

[dysfunctional]

Just wondering is there any history of mental illness in your family tree. You may have triggered something from quitting all that weed. From not being able to sleep to not thinking straight. A psychosis of sorts mayby. Even a skitzo active disorder. I doubt you would of cared about the cats rubbish in the new place/sober life if you where high. Just my 2 cents. But could that be the route cause?

Thanks for the reply. There's definitely a history of mental illness on both sides of my family. My maternal grandma was a chronic worrier and had alot of anxiety. My mom definitely has anxiety which I know I picked up from her. I had some anxiety and what I see now as mild depression even when I was smoking all the time. My paternal great grandma actually killed herself way back in the day by jumping out a window. I had some uncles on my dad's side that where chronic worriers. One of great grandpa got hit by a train way back in the day too, no one ever called it a suicide attempt, but i don't know how else you get hit by a train.

I think you're absolutely right that quitting weed was the origin of all this. I really did use it to focus on just about everything. I remember trying to pack for a trip and organize my garage once when I didn't have grass- just couldn't do it straight up. Took a couple rips and blam, job done. For a long time I've been really into keeping a clean organized place to live so the cats/rubbish probably would have bugged me either way. But I think your absolutely right about the overall issue.

I definitely feel like I have something way beyond depression like psychosis or schizoaffective condition. The doctors/therapists just call it major depressive disorder. One of them wanted to give me lithium which I declined. I really think not smoking weed is the issue! and now i'm fucked up because even when I smoke now it doesn't help.

 

[dysfunctional]

Cheers

It's hard to roll into a fox hole when you're shooting at yourself ... there's no cover .

Why do we take it out on ourselves like this ?

what the fuck ?

The old weed is quite a powerful thing ... ( our susceptibility can change over time ... )

Maybe the ADD is making a come back ?
Difficulty focusing ....

It's a juggling of short term coping / survival and long term strategies .

I'd be interested to hear how that eye movement thing goes in the future , and I think your right in saying you may be blocking stuff with your emotional state .

Our inner world is a mysterious place ...

Fox hole analogy is a good one. I definitely think the ADD is back and now combined with a whole new level of self hate and depression. Its bananas. I'll just have to trudge on for now. Thanks for the good words.

 

[Terminally drunk]

Thanks for the reply. There's definitely a history of mental illness on both sides of my family. My maternal grandma was a chronic worrier and had alot of anxiety. My mom definitely has anxiety which I know I picked up from her. I had some anxiety and what I see now as mild depression even when I was smoking all the time. My paternal great grandma actually killed herself way back in the day by jumping out a window. I had some uncles on my dad's side that where chronic worriers. One of great grandpa got hit by a train way back in the day too, no one ever called it a suicide attempt, but i don't know how else you get hit by a train.

I think you're absolutely right that quitting weed was the origin of all this. I really did use it to focus on just about everything. I remember trying to pack for a trip and organize my garage once when I didn't have grass- just couldn't do it straight up. Took a couple rips and blam, job done. For a long time I've been really into keeping a clean organized place to live so the cats/rubbish probably would have bugged me either way. But I think your absolutely right about the overall issue.

I definitely feel like I have something way beyond depression like psychosis or schizoaffective condition. The doctors/therapists just call it major depressive disorder. One of them wanted to give me lithium which I declined. I really think not smoking weed is the issue! and now i'm fucked up because even when I smoke now it doesn't help.

Same here. I got a wharf job. Had to quit weed. Drug tests. So what did I do.. I started smoking that synthenic shit. Its pretty much ruined me. Weed ain't the same. Its like ur receptors in ur brain get out of wack. Now I just sit in a room playing PC games all day an drink occasionally with mates on welfare. Mental illness is a bitch. Drugs a bad. Life's unfair some times. I don't know much more to say. Because I'm still fucked. Once the damage is done. Its permanent. I also get offered meds. Never touched em. Personal choice. Sorry for being negative.

 

[dysfunctional]

Same here. I got a wharf job. Had to quit weed. Drug tests. So what did I do.. I started smoking that synthenic shit. Its pretty much ruined me. Weed ain't the same. Its like ur receptors in ur brain get out of wack. Now I just sit in a room playing PC games all day an drink occasionally with mates on welfare. Mental illness is a bitch. Drugs a bad. Life's unfair some times. I don't know much more to say. Because I'm still fucked. Once the damage is done. Its permanent. I also get offered meds. Never touched em. Personal choice. Sorry for being negative.

Crazy man. At least it helps a tiny bit to hear someone went through similar shit. I started taking a ton of kratom when I quit weed and I think that fucked me up too. Weed was so rad!!! Everyone knows me as a super active stoner outdoorsman and now I am none of those things. Its been almost six months now with basically no change so I feel like it is permanent too. Damnit it sucks. Thanks for sharing.