My Partner Left Me(My Fault) I Cant Afford Therapy And I'm Spiraling

[kileob]

I am in my 20s I'm taking a break from school due to me being poor and not being able to afford another semester. i had plans with my partner a few months ago, we had planned to get a place for about a year and i was truly happy, i wanted to build something, something with them that i could treasure and keep forever. fast forward to today i fucked up our relationship so bad i would understand if they wanted nothing to do with me until i CTB. (context my partner had been disabled at the time of our separation) But i cant sleep at night i have dreams sometimes good, sometimes bad it all is about them i want to be there for them to help them, but im the reason for additional pain that they dont need right now, im a fuckup i know that much. but i want to still help them in anyway i can they blocked me and moved out of state and honestly i know texting/calling will only hurt them further. i try to go to parties and i have taken to drinking and substance abuse whenever i can to cope to help get my mind off of hating myself for a moment, but it always comes back usually in the night when i try to sleep i want to CTB so bad at night when i start thinking about how i am how i treated them. and i am scared of myself because I'm so tired and i want relief and i want to tell myself its ok to give up, its okay because you aren't helping anyone anyways. but i do want to live i have justified my existence temporarily by, atoning i think? i want to help my partner but i will only bring them pain if contacted so i was thinking financially, i could support them without fucking anything up any further and when and if they are ready they would reach out. my head torments me i want to do this for them and i don't want it to be for me, i don't want this to turn into a selfish act of trying to get them back. but i feel hollow and like my will is fading to exist im a husk at this point im nice and caring, but on the inside devoid of feeling, while trying to convince myself that i don't actually deserver a seat on the bus.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

If you're comfortable sharing, what did you do that fucked up the relationship?

 

[kileob]

If you're comfortable sharing, what did you do that fucked up the relationship?

we had a lot of plans that most of all were not carried out because of me, when i started working and getting stressed i avoided them subconsciously, they noticed and would comment and i would dismiss it. but i knew it was me but i felt terrible and guilty. i knew i had been fucking things up left and right forgetting important things not remember medicines(after working and so much stress i had taken to substance abuse a lot) and they were only living with me because i asked them too, but i had bitten off more than i could chew they realized that, we had a conversation about it we almost moved past it but between my impending doom that they were gonna leave me all alone again and me not being able to keep up and be there for them financially and emotionally one would always fall short. there was also a SA(sexual assault) dispute with my ex which was a lie, which was its own terrible ark in itself. at some point i was to hurt thinking that they could think that i would do something malicious like that, i never really explained well enough the situation now its too late. not that it matters because that was one of many problems, one of which i still didn't solve when i had the chance. i had already done much more damage, what do i start with how can i fix anything, they don't trust me anymore and all i have is my ongoing fucking up, and my trying to scramble to fix said fuck ups. but they were right they asked me why do i keep hurting them if i love them it eats at me constantly because i never wanted to it just happened that way i was stupid i was weak and i thought i could do a lot more than i actually could i feel defeated i realized im not all that cool, sweet, disciplined, nor dependable and i hate myself when i wake up and when i sleep i cant stop thinking about it its constantly looming over me. they were so patient so loving and while imperfect like everyone is they never didn't try for me, they never abandoned me until i made them after so much try so many hints that i didn't see till afterwards i do deserve this. but i hate it because its me its all my fault. (i would like to add at the end of all this the cherry on the cake is while my ex is distorting the truth about the SA allegations, i at the end of my relationship with them i actually did SA/rape them, due to me not paying attention to medicine etc. and they also said i was rough with them during i don't quite recall but going through are conversations and seeing how much they tried and wanted us to work even after so much is chilling, i am sure they wouldn't lie like my last ex to try to fuck me over. so at that point i spiraled even more not being able to accept what i had done and denied and invalidated them on it they cried so much and it was all because of me. who would think the person you love and trust so much could do such terrible things. but im me and it was meim the one who did these things i don't like to uh be a crybaby and im not the victim here nor do i feel like i have been hurt nearly as much as them, but i genuinely hate myself for it, trying to love myself is harder than ever i reel just playing back the worst parts of me it never leave me for to long especially in the night. i want to get better i dont want to keep feeling despair and hating myself i also dont want to CTB just yet im spiraling less often now but it is hard when it does happen my supporters like my best friends are long gone are not available and dumping all this shit would be fucking criminal they dont need this, i need a therapist, not a friend. but i do with at least one of them were here it would be a lot more bearable.