Hello. I'm 19, almost 20. I've not posted here before. Right now, I lay awake in bed thinking about how I can explain my potential suicide to folks in my life. Here goes.
I had a tumultuous childhood, everyone knows that, and it feels like it shouldn't matter anymore, but I think it does, unfortunately. My mother lost any custody of me late into elementary school. Due to "child neglect". What this means is, she was high and drunk nearly every hour of every day, I would often go hungry with the only parenting coming from my 4-years-older sister. I have vivid memories of walking in my moms room wanting something, any attention, maybe I was hungry, and she would be passed out. I didn't know why then, but recently I now know it was probably meth. Often times alcohol. She would cry and scream whenever I was upset. She was deeply emotional and empathetic but wasn't capable of doing anything. All that meant was she was always losing her shit. My dad didn't really have his shit together either, when he got full custody and pulled us out of that hellhole. He had severe anger issues. He was getting a masters in business while parenting us, mostly alone, but with some help from his parents. During this time, all the way up to sophomore year of HS, I had a terrible social life. My friendships were miserable, I was a massive emotional bully. My only escape from life I turned into a dramatic mess. I am not entirely to blame, most of my friends had trauma too, and were not reacting well, but I still am partially. I made new friends in the past two years. They are all intelligent, funny, wonderful people. But what has all of this raised me to be like?
I don't want to experience anything I don't want to anymore. What does that mean? Well, every mundane action in my day to day life is just fucking miserable. I hate work. I hated school and got through with the absolute minimum amount of effort - I had some smarts and charisma, enough to bullshit all the way through. I dropped out of college after a year. I am terrible at taking care of myself. I don't eat if it isn't easy to prepare food or if its not prepared for me. I often don't do hygiene at all, if I do its usually because I am doing something social and like to at least look okay. The only life I want to live anymore is one without shit I just don't want to do. How is everyone so okay with life being mostly suffering? I have suffered enough. I don't want to spend 9 hours rotting away at whatever job, any job I might ever have, every day. I don't want to go through the anguish that is trudging through misery just to what? Be allowed to live? Make enough money to eat and sleep comfortably so I can spend the tiny amount of time left on what I might be able to plan doing with friends?
But why is the mundanity so miserable? Whether its from trauma or fetal alcohol syndrome or both, I have multiple… difficulties with my body. My senses are very strong. I am often in pain in several areas, most of the time my skin feels… stretched out and uncomfortable. My nails make my fingers deeply uncomfortable. Amounts of pain that don't bother other people much will completely flatten me. Whenever I touch something I don't expect to touch I flinch violently and people laugh. But they don't understand what its like. My body is a prison. Everything is so… over the top. Reality is just overflowing with feelings. My mind is constantly racing, I experience emotions very strongly. I am quick to all of the negative ones. My thoughts are dull and buzzing. Its like a constant explosion of static in my mind. I can't pay attention. I can't remember anything. People blame me for these things. But I try my hardest. They don't understand its happening TO me. I am never in control. I have had suicidal thoughts and plans to kill myself throughout my life, as long as I can remember. The amount of willpower it takes to get through just one day of basic productivity is immense. I just can't do it. I can't. I don't want to. Why can't I just choose to just stop life? Why is it such a bad thing? Maybe if I could make everyone feel like how I feel, just for one day, they would understand, but I genuinely wouldn't want that for anyone.
The only life worth living for me is one filled with nothing but love and fun. I don't want to be sorry about it. I just want to be with people. I just want to talk and eat and have fun and go to bed and repeat. But that isn't how life works. You must suffer. I don't want to suffer. Not anymore.
Thanks for reading. If I do "ctb", I hope something like this explanation is enough for people. I am working on an extra amount of writing for most individual people in my life. I have things I want to say to them to help them feel better about this, and some encouraging stuff about their lives, maybe. Tell them I love them and what it is about them I love. My choice doesn't mean or prove anything. It's merely my choice. It is no ones fault. It shouldn't effect anyone else's choices. I hope I can make them understand that.
I had a tumultuous childhood, everyone knows that, and it feels like it shouldn't matter anymore, but I think it does, unfortunately. My mother lost any custody of me late into elementary school. Due to "child neglect". What this means is, she was high and drunk nearly every hour of every day, I would often go hungry with the only parenting coming from my 4-years-older sister. I have vivid memories of walking in my moms room wanting something, any attention, maybe I was hungry, and she would be passed out. I didn't know why then, but recently I now know it was probably meth. Often times alcohol. She would cry and scream whenever I was upset. She was deeply emotional and empathetic but wasn't capable of doing anything. All that meant was she was always losing her shit. My dad didn't really have his shit together either, when he got full custody and pulled us out of that hellhole. He had severe anger issues. He was getting a masters in business while parenting us, mostly alone, but with some help from his parents. During this time, all the way up to sophomore year of HS, I had a terrible social life. My friendships were miserable, I was a massive emotional bully. My only escape from life I turned into a dramatic mess. I am not entirely to blame, most of my friends had trauma too, and were not reacting well, but I still am partially. I made new friends in the past two years. They are all intelligent, funny, wonderful people. But what has all of this raised me to be like?
I don't want to experience anything I don't want to anymore. What does that mean? Well, every mundane action in my day to day life is just fucking miserable. I hate work. I hated school and got through with the absolute minimum amount of effort - I had some smarts and charisma, enough to bullshit all the way through. I dropped out of college after a year. I am terrible at taking care of myself. I don't eat if it isn't easy to prepare food or if its not prepared for me. I often don't do hygiene at all, if I do its usually because I am doing something social and like to at least look okay. The only life I want to live anymore is one without shit I just don't want to do. How is everyone so okay with life being mostly suffering? I have suffered enough. I don't want to spend 9 hours rotting away at whatever job, any job I might ever have, every day. I don't want to go through the anguish that is trudging through misery just to what? Be allowed to live? Make enough money to eat and sleep comfortably so I can spend the tiny amount of time left on what I might be able to plan doing with friends?
But why is the mundanity so miserable? Whether its from trauma or fetal alcohol syndrome or both, I have multiple… difficulties with my body. My senses are very strong. I am often in pain in several areas, most of the time my skin feels… stretched out and uncomfortable. My nails make my fingers deeply uncomfortable. Amounts of pain that don't bother other people much will completely flatten me. Whenever I touch something I don't expect to touch I flinch violently and people laugh. But they don't understand what its like. My body is a prison. Everything is so… over the top. Reality is just overflowing with feelings. My mind is constantly racing, I experience emotions very strongly. I am quick to all of the negative ones. My thoughts are dull and buzzing. Its like a constant explosion of static in my mind. I can't pay attention. I can't remember anything. People blame me for these things. But I try my hardest. They don't understand its happening TO me. I am never in control. I have had suicidal thoughts and plans to kill myself throughout my life, as long as I can remember. The amount of willpower it takes to get through just one day of basic productivity is immense. I just can't do it. I can't. I don't want to. Why can't I just choose to just stop life? Why is it such a bad thing? Maybe if I could make everyone feel like how I feel, just for one day, they would understand, but I genuinely wouldn't want that for anyone.
The only life worth living for me is one filled with nothing but love and fun. I don't want to be sorry about it. I just want to be with people. I just want to talk and eat and have fun and go to bed and repeat. But that isn't how life works. You must suffer. I don't want to suffer. Not anymore.
Thanks for reading. If I do "ctb", I hope something like this explanation is enough for people. I am working on an extra amount of writing for most individual people in my life. I have things I want to say to them to help them feel better about this, and some encouraging stuff about their lives, maybe. Tell them I love them and what it is about them I love. My choice doesn't mean or prove anything. It's merely my choice. It is no ones fault. It shouldn't effect anyone else's choices. I hope I can make them understand that.
