My ongoing battle with despair

[Enabran255]

The crushing despair that's been in the background the past several years of my life is becoming inescapable now. Things with my immediate family are more toxic than ever before which is extremely crushing in the isolation it naturally brings. My efforts to try to make new friends fail painfully. Whenever I reach out with a post somewhere with an honest and heartfelt message about my situation and that I want to make friends, it's met with silence or ghosting. When I've made efforts of meeting people in interest groups, I always am very much the odd one out, they're always light years ahead of me in life accomplishments and that serves as an insurmountable chasm, despite any good faith efforts I make.

This is coupled with the toxic society that's rampant today which makes me feel even more that any effort I try to make at recovery is futile. I heard with disgust what the modern mainstream media recently did to slander this site, and it's a story I've seen play out time and time again through recent years and one which shares many aspects to the bullying which permanently destroyed my life in college so long ago. In every one of those cases, the malicious bullies responsible for the slander walked away with a complete and resounding victory, never paying for the ruin and despair they wrought on their victims.

The free society we once had is being ruthlessly destroyed, and daring to point that out or speak up against it is a surefire way to be swiftly labelled a "conspiracy nut" or other unsavory term. Part of that free society of yore was a freer and more independent media, all pretense of which has been completely abandoned nowadays, and thus it's impossible to fight back against their nonstop destructive lies. Any efforts made to such ends are brutally censored, distorted, twisted, and slandered, and those participating branded as unpersons via various derogatory terms.

I do not wish to live in a reality like this one in which the future only holds the guarantee of being worse in every way than the present. All I've ever wanted is a few loyal friends I can relate to/click with who have empathy, and to finally find a life partner after my entire life suffering alone. I never imagined either of those things would become far too much to reasonably desire. The efforts I put into them only in the end serve to deliver more fresh despair - it really feels like I will meet my end much sooner the more effort I attempt to put in at remedying the cause of my suffering.

 

[Julgran]

Whenever I reach out with a post somewhere with an honest and heartfelt message about my situation and that I want to make friends, it's met with silence or ghosting.

People who have never experienced hardship will usually do their very best to put a huge brick wall between themselves and you if you so much as utter one single negative, but honest, word about your experience of life. I call it "The I'm OK culture", because every person - at work and in private - always ask each other "How are you?", and then the other person always responds with "I'm fine!". It would be a fun experiment to reply to that question with an explanation of everything we know about this community

The free society we once had is being ruthlessly destroyed, and daring to point that out or speak up against it is a surefire way to be swiftly labelled a "conspiracy nut" or other unsavory term. Part of that free society of yore was a freer and more independent media, all pretense of which has been completely abandoned nowadays, and thus it's impossible to fight back against their nonstop destructive lies. Any efforts made to such ends are brutally censored, distorted, twisted, and slandered, and those participating branded as unpersons via various derogatory terms.

I'm with you here - what's your poison? The Bilderberg Group? Klaus Schwab's "The Great Reset"?

I do not wish to live in a reality like this one in which the future only holds the guarantee of being worse in every way than the present. All I've ever wanted is a few loyal friends I can relate to/click with who have empathy, and to finally find a life partner after my entire life suffering alone.

In the end, it all comes down to your misplaced expectations of life, as I see it, because I wouldn't feel like I'm feeling if my upbringing hadn't imprinted certain expectations in my mind.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand, at least for me I am unable to accept this horrible existence, the knowledge that things will only get worse is such a dreadful feeling. It is understandable wanting to escape when you are experiencing so much despair. I hope you find freedom from your suffering.

 

[Joper]

Why fight despair, why not embrace it?

 

[Snake of Eden]

Why fight despair, why not embrace it?

How

 

[Enabran255]

People who have never experienced hardship will usually do their very best to put a huge brick wall between themselves and you if you so much as utter one single negative, but honest, word about your experience of life. I call it "The I'm OK culture", because every person - at work and in private - always ask each other "How are you?", and then the other person always responds with "I'm fine!". It would be a fun experiment to reply to that question with an explanation of everything we know about this community

Yea I know the types you mean. I never thought I'd experience that on this site, though. In the past, I met someone who became a very close friend and we could have even dated if the universe weren't so hell-bent on ensuring my life of eternal solitude. She responded to an honest and heartfelt message I had posted in a depression community. Unfortunately, everything that could happen to sabotage things did, and we grew apart. Then a couple years ago she passed away.

I'm with you here - what's your poison? The Bilderberg Group? Klaus Schwab's "The Great Reset"?

To put it simply, it is the continued erosion of our civil liberties and freedom of speech. One only needs look at how this very community has been treated from the start. The ban from reddit, and now the toxic bullies will not stop until they destroy the entire concept of freedom of speech, as evidenced by their continued attacks and underhanded methods of trying to take this site down. "Oh noes people are talking freely on the internet saying things we don't like!!"

Just look at the abhorrent occurances that have happened in the Australian, Canadian, and UK governments with passages of tyrannical laws that effectively destroy freedom of speech. This is the kind of poison I refer to, among other things.

In the end, it all comes down to your misplaced expectations of life, as I see it, because I wouldn't feel like I'm feeling if my upbringing hadn't imprinted certain expectations in my mind.

Yea, the biggest crime is the indoctrination that starts in childhood which sells the lie that life is fair and wonderful if you just Work Hard.

I understand, at least for me I am unable to accept this horrible existence, the knowledge that things will only get worse is such a dreadful feeling. It is understandable wanting to escape when you are experiencing so much despair. I hope you find freedom from your suffering.

Thanks. I wish we could all find the peace we seek out without having to chase after eternal nothingness.

 

[Julgran]

Yea I know the types you mean. I never thought I'd experience that on this site, though. In the past, I met someone who became a very close friend and we could have even dated if the universe weren't so hell-bent on ensuring my life of eternal solitude. She responded to an honest and heartfelt message I had posted in a depression community. Unfortunately, everything that could happen to sabotage things did, and we grew apart. Then a couple years ago she passed away.

I can almost feel your pain - I'm so very sorry that life has thrown this circumstance at you.

To put it simply, it is the continued erosion of our civil liberties and freedom of speech. One only needs look at how this very community has been treated from the start. The ban from reddit, and now the toxic bullies will not stop until they destroy the entire concept of freedom of speech, as evidenced by their continued attacks and underhanded methods of trying to take this site down. "Oh noes people are talking freely on the internet saying things we don't like!!"

Just look at the abhorrent occurances that have happened in the Australian, Canadian, and UK governments with passages of tyrannical laws that effectively destroy freedom of speech. This is the kind of poison I refer to, among other things.

I know, I know - it's horrible how the world has turned out. If we are lucky, the pendulum will swing back towards goodness, because if the world can turn bad, it may be able to also turn good in the end.

Yea, the biggest crime is the indoctrination that starts in childhood which sells the lie that life is fair and wonderful if you just Work Hard.


Thanks. I wish we could all find the peace we seek out without having to chase after eternal nothingness.

You seem like a wise person, at least, so I hope that you find some solace in that - that can't be said about just everybody.

 

[Joper]

How

Stop caring would be a good start.

 

[Enabran255]

I can almost feel your pain - I'm so very sorry that life has thrown this circumstance at you.

It's sadly just one of several such occurrences throughout my entire life. To add insult, seemingly every day my face gets rubbed in it and I'm forced to confront how much of a colossal loser and failure I am for not having found a girlfriend. On a recent flight I took, every seat around my immediate vicinity was filled with lovebirds groping each other. I couldn't even escape it by watching stuff on my phone because I kept being elbowed by the gropers. I was up until recently part of a game development group which I had to quit for my own mental health because the two other members went on regularly about their idyllic love lives and how lucky they were to have found their wonderful otaku gamer girl soulmates. The worst part of it is how close I was twice to having found that very same thing myself only to have the universe step in at the last possible second to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

Even my recent efforts to escape into FFXIV cannot work, I regularly get put into duties with a boyfriend girlfriend duo who are PDAing with emotes all the time. I try so hard not to let it affect me but I got my group wiped a couple times last night (I was healer), probably because it did subconsciously.

I know, I know - it's horrible how the world has turned out. If we are lucky, the pendulum will swing back towards goodness, because if the world can turn bad, it may be able to also turn good in the end.

To this I do not share your optimism but I hope you're right.

You seem like a wise person, at least, so I hope that you find some solace in that - that can't be said about just everybody.

Thank you for your kind words and understanding.