Venting my note

[time.is.near]

i was super suicidal in november of 2024. checked myself in at the start of november because i was going to go through with hanging myself, but didnt want to die yet. The love of my life and i broke up, and were still in contact, planning on getting together again. he had a kitchen fire and moved out and recently got the okay to move back in and has been unpacking. his responses are usually slow, but recently theyve gotten even more slow, and he leaves me on read now. hes growing distant. he said hes okay with saying i love you over text, but every time i say it he does not say it back, which fine, were not officially together. its clear that im driving him away. i dont know why i cant be loved. all i do these days is go to work or watch gore of people committing suicide and getting in bad car accidents. death is all i can think about. ive isolated myself from my friends. i have a therapist and i cant tell her any of this. im probably going to start cutting again. im on 4 different types of medication that prevent me from feeling heavy depression but replaces it with disassociation and numbness. its also apparent that im not going anywhere in my life. Ive only worked retail and i dont have any aspiration to go to school or do something with my life. I can barely get out of bed.

i wanted to be a mother.
i wanted to have a husband that loves me unconditionally.
i have so much love to give but no one wants it.
i wanted to grow old and be able to have grandkids.
but, i was made unlovable.

i dont know what i did to deserve all of these bad things, and resentment and hatred of those around me but i clearly deserve it or it wouldnt be happening.

the gore i watch is slowly desensitizing me from being afraid of what the act of suicide looks like, as in the way my body will naturally react. the way the body falls limp when you shoot yourself, or the way it thrashes as you choke out and claw at your neck from hanging. even the aftermath, neck elongated, tongue swelled and sticking out of the mouth. i keep reminding myself that it doesnt matter what i will look like, because ill be dead. fucking dead. no thoughts. ill be forgotten easily as time goes on, my siblings and friends will have kids, and those kids will have kids and no one will talk about me anymore. strangers and distant family members will think "how sad" and move on because none of them really knew me. None one does. I could tell you anyone in my life's their favorite color but no one would be able to tell you mine. no one would be able to know my interests or the music i listen to, or even how my day went. no one asks, no one cares. if they wanted to they would, but no one ever did. not even when i was a kid. only wanted for sexual favors and or just to be a therapist, even to my parents.

maybe when i go, ill be with my grandmother, my dog, or nothing at all.

i dont know when ill commit, but this will be my last on here. no one will ever find my note. no one will ever know why i did it. theyll ask why but ignored all the signs ive given. isolation, giving my things away, barely leaving bed. i cant hold a conversation with anyone, even at work.

so sanctioned suicide, thank you for reading my note, and i hope everyone finds their peace.

 

[microwaved_dawg]

Life is quite funny, I'm way too familiar with the feeling of yearning something that seems so easily attainable by everyone else just for life to throw some bullshit at you and make it impossible. It's almost as if it's mocking you. Also, don't feel worried about people missing the signs, I can tell you by experience that it's probably for the best.
May you finally find peace from this wretched reality.

 

[deadbidaylight]

Is this your first real relationship that just ended?

I understand the grief that comes with a breakup. It's definitely all consuming for a while, but you do heal. It takes time. And allowing yourself to grieve and wallow in self pity for a while is completely acceptable. But don't stay there.

You listed things that you wanted in this life, and all of those things are attainable. Just because it didn't happen with this guy, doesn't make you an unlovable human being. I know it feels that way in this moment, but I promise you that feeling doesn't last forever. One day you'll meet another and wonder why you were so heartbroken over this guy.

Breakups suck. But depending on how you look back on them, lessons can be had. Every breakup shows you a bit more of what you want or don't want in your next partner. It gives you a bit more insight into what you want out of life and who you are as an individual. It's gives you a chance to love yourself all over again without needing the validation from someone else.

Having your happiness hinge on another's perception of you and needing the constant validation is really tough, and so damaging to your self esteem. Be kind to yourself, and give yourself some grace. Instead of beating yourself up right now, maybe try loving on yourself instead. Watch a show you love, eat your favourite foods, do WHATEVER it is YOU like. Finding comfort in your own skin is an amazing feeling. And once you can do that, the right one will come along and fit right in and put those broken pieces of your heart back together.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

sending you a huge hug. we're here for you.