My Nightmare

[Hysteria]

Dear Members,

I'll hopefully end my 29 years of nightmare by 31 January 2024, Hungary. I'd prefer sooner than later. I'm waiting for my payment to prepare for my non-existence. I want to book a peaceful hotel room and have a "night night." Being forced to stay until my money, we might exchange a few words with each other. I'm incredibly grateful for your contributions because I - hopefully - learned from you how to CTB. I believe in the individual's right to control their bodies, and I've been searching hard for a method to do what I want with mine.

My head was spinning when I was reading edu0z's posts because I deal with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), too. I can relate to their suffering so much. It's strange that before ever learning about them, I figured the same method on my own: defenestration. Only after reading your threads did I change the primary method to "night night.", keeping defenestration as secondary. I enjoy opening up to you. But I want to protect us from peer identification. So, I'm writing in the name of only one, and won't write about others. My heart bleeds as I know lovely identities will be forgotten without anyone ever knowing them. But that's a conclusion we've all made, and I've got a commitment to that conclusion.

I'll end my nightmare because I don't have money to manage my anymore. I live in physical hell. Too much pain, nausea, sleep disorders, concentration problems, addictions, and depression. I'm tired of it all. No energy left. I don't have friends, only partners. I still asked for help from them, but everyone pointed me to the psych ward. I can't afford to wait the one-year line where I live. I don't have the money, and I can't bear my hell any longer to have a hope of collecting that money. I considered all possibilities to the best of my knowledge, asked everyone I knew, and I could see only suicide to end my nightmare.

I hate my parents because they forced me to live in extreme poverty. I can't get over the memories when I was asking for treatment as a little child, they told me my conditions were non-existent and refused to give me proper treatment or medication. I hate society because I used to believe in having a chance to break out via studies and work. I followed "advice" and asked for "help," but no one helped me. I should have committed suicide much sooner. I felt too much suffering for too long.

I adore some of my identities so much and I feel so sorry I can't save them. I was called sinister because people fell in love with one identity or another, and when they figured out there was one body containing all of us, the same people who seemed "lovely" turned on us in the most disgusting ways. For that, I can't help, but to blame some of my identities, too for letting society hurt those adorable souls inside. But again, how could we know this would happen? I believed in success stories. I imagined people would be more understanding. I thought together we would find a way to live in a happy community.

Now that I'm forced to stay a few more days until I get all the resources, I was thinking about a possible death note. First, I wanted to write something like "It was my free decision. I wasn't under pressure. I'm sorry.", but it's not true. I'm under pressure to commit suicide because of the living hell I constantly experience. I don't have the money to have alternatives. And I'm not sorry for the society being disgusting. I could leave a signed, handwritten note to force my will not to burn my body. I want to sell it or its parts to the highest bidder and donate the money to advance research I wanted to do if I could bear life longer. Knowing how cheap and dumb society is, I can't leave the decision to them. I'm sure I'd end up burned and remembered as a failure before being forgotten in a decade or two. With the right note, I could still contribute to my vision even without a body. I don't believe in an afterlife, but if one happens to be against all odds, I swear revenge if people sabotage my last wish only after sabotaging my life.

Yes, that's my story in a nutshell. I apologize for wasting your time, but you see, I'm forced to stay until my money arrives and I can book a room.

It felt nice to be able to open up. I hope you all achieve your goal soon enough.

Hysteria

 

[boblong]

Quack quack (goodbye)

 

[Princess_Kitty]

I wish you good luck and hope you find your peace. You won't be forgotten or remembered as a failure. I don't know you, but I will remember you at least until my time is up.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that you find freedom from all the suffering, best wishes.

 

[donsie]

Wishing you peace and freedom

 

[Hysteria]

I became unusually impatient as I was waiting for my final payment. Often, people told me I was unbelievably patient, and indeed, only a few years ago, I was designing plans for generations. Businesses that my husband and children and their children's children will keep building. I sadly acknowledged none of those plans will manifest anymore. Why do technical problems arise with payment in such a critical period? It makes me believe the world doesn't want my suffering to end. I'll wait some more days, but in the end, I might jump. I don't need resources other than information for that method.

Quack quack (goodbye)

I don't think there'll be a next time, but know that I would have loved to look forward to seeing you if there was an other world. Goodbye!

I wish you good luck and hope you find your peace. You won't be forgotten or remembered as a failure. I don't know you, but I will remember you at least until my time is up.

Thank you very much. It's kind from you. Probably, I won't regret anything in non-existence, but right now, it feels warm and cozy to read your words.

I hope that you find freedom from all the suffering, best wishes.

It's impossible to comprehend what I'll do to myself, but the expectation you wrote will come true. I'll be free of suffering. That's one of the few definite things I know. Best wishes to you, too!

Wishing you peace and freedom

Thank you! You know, I've never wished for peace. I was willing to fight for my goals, and now I've lost all hope. If there was a chance I could succeed, I'd have kept going on, but there wasn't. In the end, I'll free myself from this torture and accept the eternal peace I've never desired.

 

[donsie]

I became unusually impatient as I was waiting for my final payment. Often, people told me I was unbelievably patient, and indeed, only a few years ago, I was designing plans for generations. Businesses that my husband and children and their children's children will keep building. I sadly acknowledged none of those plans will manifest anymore. Why do technical problems arise with payment in such a critical period? It makes me believe the world doesn't want my suffering to end. I'll wait some more days, but in the end, I might jump. I don't need resources other than information for that method.



I don't think there'll be a next time, but know that I would have loved to look forward to seeing you if there was an other world. Goodbye!



Thank you very much. It's kind from you. Probably, I won't regret anything in non-existence, but right now, it feels warm and cozy to read your words.



It's impossible to comprehend what I'll do to myself, but the expectation you wrote will come true. I'll be free of suffering. That's one of the few definite things I know. Best wishes to you, too!



Thank you! You know, I've never wished for peace. I was willing to fight for my goals, and now I've lost all hope. If there was a chance I could succeed, I'd have kept going on, but there wasn't. In the end, I'll free myself from this torture and accept the eternal peace I've never desired.

any chance you can change your goals and still succeed? I only ask because I feel the same or have felt. Been in this spot many times before, I reset, do good etc…. It's an awful cycle because I always end up right back here. I wish for peace and freedom from this torturous cycle for me and everyone in it.

 

[Hysteria]

I got my money. Finally, I proceeded to buy all the resources for Night Night. When I've got everything, I'll book a private apartment for a few nights, but I'll try to execute the method on the first night. I'll choose an impossible time because I've got some experience when the owner randomly shows up to ask a question or two that they forget to ask when I check-in. Hopefully, they won't dare disturb me when most people are sleeping. I'll still book several days because I don't want them to walk in the next morning. Although they shouldn't have been able to bring me back in an hour or so, I felt like rotting for a few days. Sorry for the gross picture. I also don't trust I can do it on the first attempt. So, I might need a longer time window to practice. I plan to get over with it in less than a week.

any chance you can change your goals and still succeed? I only ask because I feel the same or have felt. Been in this spot many times before, I reset, do good etc…. It's an awful cycle because I always end up right back here. I wish for peace and freedom from this torturous cycle for me and everyone in it.

For a healthy adult, yes, it can be possible. I considered it and tried to change my goals, but there wasn't happiness in any possible target. I was born with too high desires that my poor existence can't contain. I tried to be grateful for what I had. I couldn't. I had to accept my will doesn't have unlimited power over reality. And it isn't only my will. In human history, many believed they could win wars if they would, but in the end, the one with the most resources won. Not the one with the strongest desire. Many commanders committed suicide when they faced this reality. I mean professional leaders who gave all in for the goal they believed in, but not even they could overwrite natural laws. I know too much to know I'll never know how to succeed. Happy are the people who never awake to the fact they're wage slaves and never know they won't experience the infinite heaven they expect.

Love,