My mother committed suicide couple weeks ago. My mom is one of only two people I love or even care about in this world and the only person I had social interaction with daily. I lived with her and now all of a sudden she is gone. Seeing her laying dead on the rail road surrounded by paramedics/police etc. was the most traumatizing thing I could have ever imagined having to go through. At that sight my body literally collapsed and I went to some kind of shock and was transferred to er by ambulance.
About my mothers life, it was virtually always hell. Ever since day 1 of her life she had very bad medical conditions, horrible abusive alcoholic father etc. She developed very bad alcoholism herself, her closest person, her brother killed himself which I think was what completely broke her. Was years literally 24/7 drunk until me and my brother was born. When we were born, she was over 10 years sober, no single drop of alcohol, while our dad continued to drink. We grew distant to our father, seeing him every other weekend and later years virtually never seeing him. He died of alcohol few years ago.
The first 10 years of our childhood was very good in my opinion despite our fathers drinking. Mom was always there for us sober. Dad wasn't a bad person either, the times he was sober. Good memories about him. I have no clue how our mother managed to push through to keep herself straight as long as she did, but aftet that 10 years she started drinking again. It came as a complete shock to me and my brother because then we didn't know anything about her past life. At that time she also started being suicidal again, always threatening to do it when she was drunk, even when we were kids. It was obviously extremely traumatizing to us but I know she didn't mean those talks as a threat, more of asking for a permission and our opinion to do it. Next morning hungover she was always apologizing to us, obviously very ashamed, but she was in so much mental pain it repeated for years and years, another decade. In addition to the mental pain she had incredibly bad physical pains due to several conditions.
When she was sober she was an incredible person, kindest you can imagine, the most passionate, loveable mom. That is what I will forever be missing, but she finally is in a good painless place after so long, she really deserves it. It is what she has been wanting and needing for so long but hasn't been able to achieve because of societys, and even our own attitudes towards suicide. Only now after what i've been through myself I can truly understand her suffering she took for so long, and can't be nothing but amazed by how long she went only for us, her children. I have zero anger or resentment towards her and completely respect her own choice.
I will not make the same mistakes she did and grab a booze bottle, I'm currently getting professional help for my ptsd, and other issues related to this and I'm pretty optimistic about it right now. Missing her is very hard for me but it really is time for me to become independent man now.
Today was her funeral, I attended but after seeing the cascet I again broke down completely, cried my brains out but damn does it
feel good to let it all come out afterwards, despite feeling like I was going to die at the moment.
The whole funeral was pretty much a blur for me, but now I want to say this to mom, thank you for everything, I'm truly happy youre finally at peace. I love you
About my mothers life, it was virtually always hell. Ever since day 1 of her life she had very bad medical conditions, horrible abusive alcoholic father etc. She developed very bad alcoholism herself, her closest person, her brother killed himself which I think was what completely broke her. Was years literally 24/7 drunk until me and my brother was born. When we were born, she was over 10 years sober, no single drop of alcohol, while our dad continued to drink. We grew distant to our father, seeing him every other weekend and later years virtually never seeing him. He died of alcohol few years ago.
The first 10 years of our childhood was very good in my opinion despite our fathers drinking. Mom was always there for us sober. Dad wasn't a bad person either, the times he was sober. Good memories about him. I have no clue how our mother managed to push through to keep herself straight as long as she did, but aftet that 10 years she started drinking again. It came as a complete shock to me and my brother because then we didn't know anything about her past life. At that time she also started being suicidal again, always threatening to do it when she was drunk, even when we were kids. It was obviously extremely traumatizing to us but I know she didn't mean those talks as a threat, more of asking for a permission and our opinion to do it. Next morning hungover she was always apologizing to us, obviously very ashamed, but she was in so much mental pain it repeated for years and years, another decade. In addition to the mental pain she had incredibly bad physical pains due to several conditions.
When she was sober she was an incredible person, kindest you can imagine, the most passionate, loveable mom. That is what I will forever be missing, but she finally is in a good painless place after so long, she really deserves it. It is what she has been wanting and needing for so long but hasn't been able to achieve because of societys, and even our own attitudes towards suicide. Only now after what i've been through myself I can truly understand her suffering she took for so long, and can't be nothing but amazed by how long she went only for us, her children. I have zero anger or resentment towards her and completely respect her own choice.
I will not make the same mistakes she did and grab a booze bottle, I'm currently getting professional help for my ptsd, and other issues related to this and I'm pretty optimistic about it right now. Missing her is very hard for me but it really is time for me to become independent man now.
Today was her funeral, I attended but after seeing the cascet I again broke down completely, cried my brains out but damn does it
feel good to let it all come out afterwards, despite feeling like I was going to die at the moment.
The whole funeral was pretty much a blur for me, but now I want to say this to mom, thank you for everything, I'm truly happy youre finally at peace. I love you
Last edited:
