Discussion My mood is more stable when it's low.

[elenaboo25]

I've noticed that my mood is more stable when it's low. I don't have these many ups and downs that I usually have. My mood is low, and that's good. I hope it stays this way for long enough that maybe in 1 or 2 years I can ask for euthanasia. (I live in Switzerland) I know it will be difficult to get approved given my history, but I'll try. Currently, I'm trying to establish a record of me wanting to die consistently over a long time, by mentioning it to my psychiatrist in every session. I've also noticed the only times I've ever been able to do any meaningful therapy work is when my mood is low. Otherwise, the therapy time is used up to fix all the problems caused by my unstable mood. So now I'm convinced I am really meant to feel bad all the time, and there's severe consequences if I don't feel bad. This is not a way to live, and it causes me unbearable suffering every day.

 

[lan11]

I've noticed that my mood is more stable when it's low. I don't have these many ups and downs that I usually have. My mood is low, and that's good. I hope it stays this way for long enough that maybe in 1 or 2 years I can ask for euthanasia. (I live in Switzerland) I know it will be difficult to get approved given my history, but I'll try. Currently, I'm trying to establish a record of me wanting to die consistently over a long time, by mentioning it to my psychiatrist in every session. I've also noticed the only times I've ever been able to do any meaningful therapy work is when my mood is low. Otherwise, the therapy time is used up to fix all the problems caused by my unstable mood. So now I'm convinced I am really meant to feel bad all the time, and there's severe consequences if I don't feel bad. This is not a way to live, and it causes me unbearable suffering every day.

I can relate. I hate feeling low all the time but also when I get rare bursts of energy, I'm more prone to doing things to hurt myself. Feels like you can't win. Hope it gets better for you.

 

[elenaboo25]

I might end up having to do it by myself, after all, but considering that I'm currently not ready to do that anyway, I might as well try to convince my psychiatrist that my wish to die is me and not my mental illness. It's going to be difficult, but I'll try. Maybe she'll believe me once I come back from holiday still wanting to die. In the past, holidays have temporarily "fixed", meaning I came back from holiday not wanting to die. But then the wanting to die always comes back after a while. Maybe I'll try to lose weight, perhaps go to school and look for other jobs next year, just to prove I've "tried". I've brought up the topic of wanting to die again this week, on the last session before the holidays. My psychiatrist believes my wish to die is part of my mental illness. But even then, it is the prevailing part, the only part that sticks around or at least always comes back. Either way, I need to stick around until at least after the autumn holidays because I need to take my mum on holiday then. Ironically it's one of her last wishes.