My mom will be devastated

[bandoscii]

I've been suicidal for a year now and I really try to make it better for myself. I tried journaling, I tried exercising, yoga, brearthwork, playing on guitar even more, socializing. But I can't. It seems that the desire to die literally worsens each day and I can't find anything that would be fulfilling or make me willing to live. I hate the world we live in. I hate being in this world. I hate not having thoughts in my head. I hate being so anxious. I hate not being able to do anything by myself and not seeing any future for me because of that.
And I hate that I can't end it because of my mom. Because if I die she'll feel horrible. She went through really bad divorce recently, she doesn't have any living family left except me and my brother that is really far away and doesn't really have the means or desire to come back. I don't want her to be depressed because of my death, so I try to find some other reason to push forward but I still feel miserable.
I don't want her to feel bad. And I don't want to continue living

 

[bFre3]

If only we lived in a world where people rejoiced over our deaths

 

[Daryl72]

I've been suicidal for a year now and I really try to make it better for myself. I tried journaling, I tried exercising, yoga, brearthwork, playing on guitar even more, socializing. But I can't. It seems that the desire to die literally worsens each day and I can't find anything that would be fulfilling or make me willing to live. I hate the world we live in. I hate being in this world. I hate not having thoughts in my head. I hate being so anxious. I hate not being able to do anything by myself and not seeing any future for me because of that.
And I hate that I can't end it because of my mom. Because if I die she'll feel horrible. She went through really bad divorce recently, she doesn't have any living family left except me and my brother that is really far away and doesn't really have the means or desire to come back. I don't want her to be depressed because of my death, so I try to find some other reason to push forward but I still feel miserable.
I don't want her to feel bad. And I don't want to contin

I've been suicidal for a year now and I really try to make it better for myself. I tried journaling, I tried exercising, yoga, brearthwork, playing on guitar even more, socializing. But I can't. It seems that the desire to die literally worsens each day and I can't find anything that would be fulfilling or make me willing to live. I hate the world we live in. I hate being in this world. I hate not having thoughts in my head. I hate being so anxious. I hate not being able to do anything by myself and not seeing any future for me because of that.
And I hate that I can't end it because of my mom. Because if I die she'll feel horrible. She went through really bad divorce recently, she doesn't have any living family left except me and my brother that is really far away and doesn't really have the means or desire to come back. I don't want her to be depressed because of my death, so I try to find some other reason to push forward but I still feel miserable.
I don't want her to feel bad. And I don't want to continue living

I can totally relate. Same thoughts as yourself.

 

[Agon321]

This is an obstacle for many people.
Hurting your family is not an optimistic prospect.
I have a similar problem.

If we want CTB, we have to be selfish in a sense.
We have to say to ourselves: "Fuck everything and everyone."
Not literally, of course.

Hard topic.

 

[gantaigarashi]

I've been suicidal for a year now and I really try to make it better for myself. I tried journaling, I tried exercising, yoga, brearthwork, playing on guitar even more, socializing. But I can't. It seems that the desire to die literally worsens each day and I can't find anything that would be fulfilling or make me willing to live. I hate the world we live in. I hate being in this world. I hate not having thoughts in my head. I hate being so anxious. I hate not being able to do anything by myself and not seeing any future for me because of that.
And I hate that I can't end it because of my mom. Because if I die she'll feel horrible. She went through really bad divorce recently, she doesn't have any living family left except me and my brother that is really far away and doesn't really have the means or desire to come back. I don't want her to be depressed because of my death, so I try to find some other reason to push forward but I still feel miserable.
I don't want her to feel bad. And I don't want to continue living

I can understand. It's so hard to go on for my mom.

 

[Hollowman]

I'm only still alive for my mom too.

 

[dolemitedrums]

Every day of her life that she didn't experience losing you was a gift you created out of love and gave with your perseverance. Every one of those days had value. Most people in your life may not know or understand what you created and gave...but we do.