Venting my mom “knows” about my plan

[chiikawalover616]

so i guess some of you have been following that i've been planning to ctb by the end of the month. I also posted about making my short film SUICIDELAND

what happened is that (like an idiot) i kind of tried giving away belongings to some friends. they were important belongings, so it kind of worried them. and with the addition of knowing i've been kind of a suicidal person the entire time they've known me, they decided to tell my aunt about this. i had to come clean to her about my self harm but i was able to lie about having present suicidal ideation, said it was a thing of the past. my aunt told my mom about this which worried her a bit.

my mom recently shared my film with her friends. suicide isn't exactly considered an easy topic, so her friends have been urging her to check up on me. i think combined with her figuring out about the self harm, a lot of things clicked for her. the way i keep changing the topic when my birthday comes up, the way i don't really have plans to get jobs or anything much.

she called me in tears, "i feel like you're planning to kill yourself" i tried telling her several times that this isn't the case at all. shes been calling me at least five times a day for the last three days. she wants to move cities and stay with me at college. says she doesn't trust me to live alone. she wants to impose travel and item restrictions on me, curfew and diet and everything. even made me sign up for therapy earlier today.
i don't know how to get away from her. i want to die. this is a non-negotiable for me. and at the same time she's absolutely right to be worried. i always wanted to minimise the damage i'll inflict upon her by dying but it doesn't feel like that's possible anymore. it's like she knows it in her heart.

how in the world am i supposed to dissuade her from choking my freedom and my life so that i can do the very thing she's trying to stop me from doing? fuck everything. i can't believe her ass was complicit in my abuse when it happened and i hate these pro-life people just forcing a life of suffering on me rather than actually attempting to fix why i want to die.

 

[Passenger4224]

One of the hardest parts about a CTB plan is continuing life like it isn't the end soon... please don't feel like an idiot because of the clues you unintentionally gave.

This sounds so stressful, all the restrictions your mom is trying to put in place, my heart goes out to you. Keep us updated if you want to.

How do you plan on dealing with your mom?

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

I'm sure she does know about it in her heart. But how did she know about your film? How and why?

 

[ipmanwc0]

i'm sorry, my parents did the same thing and it traumatized me.

 

[xXiloveyouXx]

if you're an adult in college, she can't make you do anything unless you let her

 

[meowpuppy]

is your mom paying for the college?

 

[secondfox2003]

god my mom is literally identical, she treated me like shit throughout my childhood (verbal abuse) and even now she thinks i'm absolutely useless, believes i'm screen addicted and wants me to go to an addiction clinic etc.

i genuinely hate these types of parents that only care about you the moment you are in potential danger (and even then, my mom thinks me being suicidal is my fault)

i guess the only things you can do are placate her until she's not worried anymore, you don't have to tell her what you're doing in therapy, if she isn't the one paying for it you don't have to go at all and just lie, i know lying is a very bad thing to do but she's also not entitled to your private life like that

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear about this, and this is one of the scariest situations especially for people who are already marginalized from society and not just any marginalized group but one to be the most discriminated against (the 'suicidal' people). Much like what others said here, the only practical thing is to placate and assuage (to the best of your ability) your mother and those in your life that you aren't going to go through with the 'plan' of suicide. Then once you are able to get them off your back and out of your private life, then all I can say is tread very carefully.

I've often lived with the rule and protocol that whatever I do or say especially when it comes to suicide or so, is automatically seen as dangerous (especially to my plans or freedom), and I always take serious effort to hide any "signs" that many forced-lifers try to look for when it comes to prevention and similar efforts. This world that we live in is hostile and prohibitive towards any notion of suicidality or similar topics. Yes, while it does seem disingenuous to have to 'lie' sometimes it may be the most practical move to make in the world we live in. I hope you are able to find peace and solace in your situation.