Venting My mom discovered my SN

[venusthestar]

Hi, i have been wandering this forum for almost two and a half years and its my first time posting. Also, English is not my first language lmao sorry

I have undiagnosed depression (among other things) since I was 12 and this year was the first time in my life that was somewhat fine. But it has been very rough lately (like, since september) and i have decided its not worth having to live my life in circles and getting to the same place again and again. Some family issues accentuated my depression episode and I have bought some SN to proceed CTB. But, im stupid as hell and forgot to go grab it from the mail and my mom got it. She was mad as hell with me because she researched it and understood what it was for (so there was no point in lying to her) and dumped it in the toilet. I'm not that stupid and im going to order it again but from a PR box, but my family has been on a high watch since then.

I don't get this intense lasting desire to die, im the kinda of person to just dont care about what happens to myself. So therefore I don't know if im going to try and CTB soon. Life is just kinda pointless to me right now, not in a nihilistic sense but in a natural selection mentality that I have been cultivating. I hold myself and society to a social darwinism logic and suicide for me its just natural selection working. I'm kinda weak, pathetic, dumb, dependent and not enough so killing myself is justified in my world view, after all if I cannot have a normal month without having mental breakdowns constantly, then maybe life is not for me you know?

 

[disabledaccount0452]

That sucks. If the desire ain't that strong at the moment and you don't plan to use it anytime soon, maybe wait a while before ordering more. Let the situation with your family cool down a bit. If their guard is that high right now, there is a decent chance it will get discovered again. Also gives you time to recover from that stressful situation as well

 

[iamanavalanche]

my parents also got my SN once and had pretty much the same reaction :( im sorry you had to go through this too its super stressful. sending you strength

 

[venusthestar]

That sucks. If the desire ain't that strong at the moment and you don't plan to use it anytime soon, maybe wait a while before ordering more. Let the situation with your family cool down a bit. If their guard is that high right now, there is a decent chance it will get discovered again. Also gives you time to recover from that stressful situation as well

Thanks for replying! The situation has already been resolved, is just that now my family is aware I would CTB if given the opportunity, so yeah I will take your advice <3

my parents also got my SN once and had pretty much the same reaction :( im sorry you had to go through this too its super stressful. sending you strength

Thank you very much! How was it for you?

 

[iamanavalanche]

Thank you very much! How was it for you?

they dumped the sn and i had 2 welfare checks T_T but it has been a while since theyve noticed anything and i managed to get sn again luckily ! now im more careful haha