My long story

[Softfoam]

Hi there.
I'm a 29 years old Italian men, I will be 30 in a few months.
I'm poor, uneducated (just a high school diploma, pretty much useless) and unemployed.
I can't remember a single happy moment in my whole life.
I think to have depression since I was in middle school, and feel suicidal since I was 16.
I had some sexual gay experiences when I was a child, then when I was in middle school until the first years of high school, with a boy that bullied me calling me a faggot in front of other boys and sucking my dick in the school bathroom (sounds weird, isn't it).
I was too stoned at the time to defend myself against him, and these experiences where awful and source of discomfort, even if I consider myself gay now.
I think this was too much for me, I was ashamed and felt guilty.
This has ruined my sexual life forever, because I have never felt masculine, virile or enough men.
Puberty is crucial for the development of a boy, and to have sex "behind the scenes" with the same guy who bullies you and humiliates you in front of other guys is too mindfuck.
It has been a sort of rape to me, even I we were of the same age (I wish I had the brain of today at that time).
I have grown up being the classical friendless, outcast boy no one wants to be friend with.
My classmates talked to me, but this was the only interaction.
At that time I developed a strong tobacco addiction, and I'm still a heavy smocker.
I started to gain weight, and by the age of 28 I was morbidly obese, but in 2018 I lost my weight in 4 months (fat and muscle, now I have only bone and skin, and a pot belly which I wasn't able to get rid of).
When I got my diploma, depression kicked in, and I refused to go to college, because I didn't know what to do with my life.
I did some "beast of burden" jobs, and the next time I tried to go to college, but my social anxiety was too big to handle, I wasn't even able to ask other guys where the lesson took place.
After a few lessons I quit.
Then I did other stupid jobs like laborer, dishwasher, dustman, a professional course, but the money was just enough to buy tobacco and a few other cheap things, I could not buy a car or something else.
I still live at my parents house, we are 5 people.
I'm unemployed since 2017.
I can't stand the fact that I'm poorer and of a lower social status than my peers, now.
They have an income, a much higher of what I can never have.
I have to be the waiter in the restaurant where my classmate goes with his wife, driving his luxury car, just to have after a night of sex, maybe on new year eve, as has already happened.
I can't even masturbate because I have become almost impotent and I can't even imagine myself in a sexual situation.
I'm envious, I feel so inferior to them.
I can't even write anymore on forums where to talk about my hobby, because the other users are all rich or middle class, graduated, and I feel like a retarded loser that tries to be at the same level of them.
My parents are a affective (they have both 8 siblings and both have had a sibling with just 9 months of difference, so they have never had love and affection by their parents, plus they work since they were child's, and their family could barely feed them).
The chronical lack of money, the lack of attention and love by my parents has been hard.
When I was a child I was ashamed to talk with my father as he was a stranger, because I was too shy.
We never went to travel, a holiday, and when there was a party or a wedding it was a tragedy. The same for Christmas and other holidays.
We live at 30 minutes by car from the sea, and we went to the beach just 10 times, maybe.
Never a restaurant, never a present.
We had plenty of food because my father was often paid with meat for is work, so my belly was always full, but my heart not so.
Now I'm destroyed.
I can not handle this situation anymore.
I'm a sort of hikikomori, I feel so guilty.
I live in a town of 400 inhabitants, so everyone knows everyone and there is no privacy.
I have become the crazy man of the village, I'm a mere laughing stock.
I wish I was never born.

 

[pebpebpebpeb]

Hi there.
I'm a 29 years old Italian men, I will be 30 in a few months.
I'm poor, uneducated (just a high school diploma, pretty much useless) and unemployed.
I can't remember a single happy moment in my whole life.
I think to have depression since I was in middle school, and feel suicidal since I was 16.
I had some sexual gay experiences when I was a child, then when I was in middle school until the first years of high school, with a boy that bullied me calling me a faggot in front of other boys and sucking my dick in the school bathroom (sounds weird, isn't it).
I was too stoned at the time to defend myself against him, and these experiences where awful and source of discomfort, even if I consider myself gay now.
I think this was too much for me, I was ashamed and felt guilty.
This has ruined my sexual life forever, because I have never felt masculine, virile or enough men.
Puberty is crucial for the development of a boy, and to have sex "behind the scenes" with the same guy who bullies you and humiliates you in front of other guys is too mindfuck.
It has been a sort of rape to me, even I we were of the same age (I wish I had the brain of today at that time).
I have grown up being the classical friendless, outcast boy no one wants to be friend with.
My classmates talked to me, but this was the only interaction.
At that time I developed a strong tobacco addiction, and I'm still a heavy smocker.
I started to gain weight, and by the age of 28 I was morbidly obese, but in 2018 I lost my weight in 4 months (fat and muscle, now I have only bone and skin, and a pot belly which I wasn't able to get rid of).
When I got my diploma, depression kicked in, and I refused to go to college, because I didn't know what to do with my life.
I did some "beast of burden" jobs, and the next time I tried to go to college, but my social anxiety was too big to handle, I wasn't even able to ask other guys where the lesson took place.
After a few lessons I quit.
Then I did other stupid jobs like laborer, dishwasher, dustman, a professional course, but the money was just enough to buy tobacco and a few other cheap things, I could not buy a car or something else.
I still live at my parents house, we are 5 people.
I'm unemployed since 2017.
I can't stand the fact that I'm poorer and of a lower social status than my peers, now.
They have an income, a much higher of what I can never have.
I have to be the waiter in the restaurant where my classmate goes with his wife, driving his luxury car, just to have after a night of sex, maybe on new year eve, as has already happened.
I can't even masturbate because I have become almost impotent and I can't even imagine myself in a sexual situation.
I'm envious, I feel so inferior to them.
I can't even write anymore on forums where to talk about my hobby, because the other users are all rich or middle class, graduated, and I feel like a retarded loser that tries to be at the same level of them.
My parents are a affective (they have both 8 siblings and both have had a sibling with just 9 months of difference, so they have never had love and affection by their parents, plus they work since they were child's, and their family could barely feed them).
The chronical lack of money, the lack of attention and love by my parents has been hard.
When I was a child I was ashamed to talk with my father as he was a stranger, because I was too shy.
We never went to travel, a holiday, and when there was a party or a wedding it was a tragedy. The same for Christmas and other holidays.
We live at 30 minutes by car from the sea, and we went to the beach just 10 times, maybe.
Never a restaurant, never a present.
We had plenty of food because my father was often paid with meat for is work, so my belly was always full, but my heart not so.
Now I'm destroyed.
I can not handle this situation anymore.
I'm a sort of hikikomori, I feel so guilty.
I live in a town of 400 inhabitants, so everyone knows everyone and there is no privacy.
I have become the crazy man of the village, I'm a mere laughing stock.
I wish I was never born.

fuck those people. this earth is fucked up and most people on here have gotten the worst shit because of it. im sorry man, and if you dont want pity then my apologies. listen man i dont know what to tell you. im not giving up on you, i just "met" you! that would be crazy. im weak but not that weak.
do you want to talk about things? we can discuss how people are horseshit.
oh and you're fucking strong i cant imagine how tough it must be. youre stronger than around 90% of people that are alive right now.

 

[LivedAndNotLoved]

Hello, reading this really affected me and I need to reply to you...

Firstly, I want to say that I'm so sorry for everything that you have been through and are currently going through. I agree with the above person that the fact that you are still here and still going, makes you an incredibly strong person.

What that vile individual done to you when you was younger was disgusting. I sort of get how you feel from that. But believe me, the fact that you have carried on working, tried out college and are now talking about what happened... you are not his victim. You're a survivor.

As for feeling inferior, I'd honestly say the majority of people with luxury items, fancy houses, lots of money - generally those with the picture perfect lives - are not that happy. People only ever talk about the good and only put the good things on their social media. You never know what goes on behind closed doors. I can guarantee they are miserable or at the very least insecure. Please remember this, they are no better than you and you will never be inferior to them.

I live in a small village too. I completely understand where you're coming from in terms of your anxiety about their opinions. But look, you may have been a topic of conversation for a while, but people soon forget and move on to talk about someone else. And fuck them anyway! People who gossip clearly have nothing better to do. The poor bastards! I bet there's lots of people in your village who have had their fair share of bother.

If you want to DM me at anytime, you're more than welcome - day or night.

Sorry if I've been 'that preachy' person.

People are fucking shit unfortunately - but at least you have this community to talk to, who all feel the same.

Keep going.

 

[RedDEE]

I have a hard time relating to you, but I can give you some general advice.

Stop comparing yourself to other people, success is something that can not be measured with money or social status. Mark Zuckerburg is not nearly as rich as Bill Gates, but would you call Mark Zuckerburg unsuccessful?

Radically accept yourself for what you are. You are known as the crazy gay person in your community? Then OWN it. BE the crazy gay person everyone knows you are! Yell it from the rooftops, I am crazy, and I am gay! Express your individuality with no fear, people's judgement of you are their expression of their selves, it is compatible.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Radically accept yourself for what you are. You are known as the crazy gay person in your community? Then OWN it. BE the crazy gay person everyone knows you are! Yell it from the rooftops, I am crazy, and I am gay!

 

[Softfoam]

Thanks.
Thank you so much.
Your words are so meaningful to me, you helped me so much.
I really needed to be understood.
I know I'm childish and I play always the victim card, but I feel like a child trapped in the body of an adult.
And I know there is people in situations much more worse than mine, and I feel sorry, because I was told sometimes: "I wish I was you, or like you", so maybe they had a much more difficult life than me.

I don't blame society, I have to endure the fact that people like me are seen as different, I have to accept it.
The problem is that I'm stuck in this situation and I don't see an escape.

My parents have infantilized me, my mother is like the woman of the movie "Misery".
I have to obey their orders, and if I'm not OK with it i'm free to leave, but I can't leave because I will become homeless without their help.

The boy who bullied me now works with children with mental disabilities, and I'm afraid he now abuses of these boys (I know that he is nicknamed "the maniac" now, and this is for a reason, for sure) .

I have not mentioned my health issues, but I can say I'm in a state of permanent inflammation, my lymph nodes are always swollen like tennis balls.
My prostate is like that of a 90 years old, I have to pee dozens of times every day and I can't hold it.
I have some damaged vertebrae because of the Scheuermann disease, and I can't lift weights, so I can no more do fatigue jobs.
I have chronical pain all over my body.

 

[LivedAndNotLoved]

And I know there is people in situations much more worse than mine, and I feel sorry, because I was told sometimes: "I wish I was you, or like you", so maybe they had a much more difficult life than me.

Please please please try to not feel this way. You have every right to feel whatever it is your feeling about your situation. Ok some people may have 'worse problems'. But that's THEIR problem. This is yours. Focus on you and you only.

I bloody hate it when people say this to depressed people. Saying you shouldn't be sad, because someone else may have it worse, is like saying you shouldn't be happy, because someone else may have it better!!!

 

[Cashewmilk]

I can absolutely relate. I have experienced some similar things. Mental illness and depression since being very young. I'm 31 female Canadian, from an Indian background, I had to deal with stupid cultural shit and religious shit as a young child. I was traumatized in muslim school, my parents foolishly put me in a strict abusive islamic school when I was in kindergarten, they shipped me off on a school bus that rode for over an hour. I was verbally abused, bullied, I absolutely HATED school because of it. It ruined my entire school life, in 3rd grade I went to public school finally (I had to beg for it), I just wanted to sleep and never wake up. Always, I hated waking up, I had no idea what time meant, I didn't know what it meant to "be late", I was so stupid. I didn't know anything at school, I have severe learning disabilities but nobody ever helped me, they instead yelled at me and abused me, my teachers and principals and parents. I started acting strange, I had an identity disorder, in 7th grade I was so depressed I tried to suffocate myself at school. In highschool I got bullied relentlessly, called all sorts of names, got treated like trash and I will still never forgive those people who did it, I will always hate them. My dad started acting out, he's also bipolar and was an alcoholic, I had to deal with all the mess of my dad's abuse and my parents divorce, losing our house, moving from place to place right in the middle of highschool. I couldn't handle it and attempted my first suicide at 14. I never even finished highschool, I dropped out in grade 10.

After that, I started doing so many drugs and cigarettes, weed, alcohol, ecstacy, cocaine, lot's of cocaine and weed. For years until I was 22, then I got addicted to smoking heroin. It was horrible. The withdrawal was so severe and horrible, I attempted suicide so many times just because of the pain from withdrawal, and not being able to get any drugs. I have done so many fucked up things for the drug. I was a prostitute for 9 years, I still am I am still keeping 1 client who pays me lot's of money for quick service. I have been addicted to smoking heroin/opiates for 11 years. 3 of those years I'm on methadone. I'm bound by 2 different drugs now, like a prison. For methadone I have to go to the pharmacy every single day (except right now because of COVID they gave me take homes because I'm responsible and trustworthy, but that's only a temporary break). Oh I can't drive, I never got my license, I am too scared, my anxiety is too high so I cannot operate a vehicle. Never had a job for more than a year. Haven't worked since 2010. All my school classmates and peers are making more money than my mom, my mom works with people my age and she constantly brags and rubs it in my face that "oh the young people at my work they're making so much money, SO MUCH MONEY, ugh, it's amazing!"

So I'm stuck living with my mom, she emotionally abuses me constantly, makes me feel so guilty for being born and being a total loser and fuck up. My older sister has hated me since I was born, she abuses me SO much, she also has severe mental illness and addiction, but she's always been the luckier one, she's never had to sell her body, she gets free money for doing nothing from her boyfriend. She forced me to do sex work when I didn't want to, she harassed me, threatened to tell my mom about it, blackmails me, uses me, tells me to go kill myself, that I would have done it by now if I really wanted to etc. I have had sex with probably 500 men, I have gotten "raped" hundreds of times, because I NEVER wanted to do it. I was being paid to get raped each and every time, each client. Without money there is no sex, so the only consent is the small payment of 100$. I had to force myself, and lay there and desperately wait for it to be over, thousands of times, use so much lubrication because I'd be so dry and the sex was extremely painful. I got physically sick from all that abuse. I have always been weak, extremely fatigued, exhausted my whole life, now my health issues are horrible. I have IBS, I have painful bladder syndrome, I go pee 20 times a day, I use so much toilet paper my mom constantly attacks me about it. My mom thinks I did everything to myself on purpose. I have tried to commit suicide so many times I lost count!

I have seen some perfect girls I went to school with, they have ALWAYS been perfect. I remember they had everything in school, money, they were beautiful, so smart, so talented, knew exactly what they wanted. One girl particularly stands out, on the first week of highschool, a really nice cute boy asked her out, he was in 1 year ahead of us. She has been with him since, that's like almost 20 years. She was a straight A honor student, she became a doctor. She is so beautiful, has always been so kind and nice, but I am suspicious of her husband I feel like he cheats on her but pffft he probably doesn't, she has nothing but good luck in her life, she's totally blessed. But SHE is perfect, her life is perfect, her family is so loving and caring, and they always had more money to afford anything she wanted, her university, she lived abroad, in the US, she worked in the USA as a doctor. Her facebook is full of photos of her and her husband and family in different places around the world they love to travel and go on vacations, and just a couple of selfies, she's not self absorbed, she's literally the most perfect human being I have ever met in my life. Last year she had a baby, of course she had a smooth perfect pregnancy, gave birth to a perfect baby. Seriously, people always say there is no such thing as perfect. But I know one, and she is. I have known her since we were kids, I went to her house and met her family, I've been watching her for 20 years on the internet on social media accounts, she is literally perfection. I don't think she's ever had a single bad thing happen to her in her life, I'm sure she's had ups and downs, but NOTHING like what I've been through, it's probably just normal things (I even doubt that sometimes though). She is literally every parent's dream.

 

[noaccount]

Hi. It was absolutely abusive of that other kid to do all of that. It's horrifying that he works with disabled kids now. That would make me seriously consider coming forward, telling the police, the parents of effected children, any lgbt or disabled groups around... to increase the chances that other people could be warned and stay safe... It's your choice though.

 

[Cryptonite]

Thanks.
Thank you so much.
Your words are so meaningful to me, you helped me so much.
I really needed to be understood.
I know I'm childish and I play always the victim card, but I feel like a child trapped in the body of an adult.
And I know there is people in situations much more worse than mine, and I feel sorry, because I was told sometimes: "I wish I was you, or like you", so maybe they had a much more difficult life than me.

I don't blame society, I have to endure the fact that people like me are seen as different, I have to accept it.
The problem is that I'm stuck in this situation and I don't see an escape.

My parents have infantilized me, my mother is like the woman of the movie "Misery".
I have to obey their orders, and if I'm not OK with it i'm free to leave, but I can't leave because I will become homeless without their help.

The boy who bullied me now works with children with mental disabilities, and I'm afraid he now abuses of these boys (I know that he is nicknamed "the maniac" now, and this is for a reason, for sure) .

I have not mentioned my health issues, but I can say I'm in a state of permanent inflammation, my lymph nodes are always swollen like tennis balls.
My prostate is like that of a 90 years old, I have to pee dozens of times every day and I can't hold it.
I have some damaged vertebrae because of the Scheuermann disease, and I can't lift weights, so I can no more do fatigue jobs.
I have chronical pain all over my body.

Fuck Scheuermann's disease.