lucacaro
Star
- Dec 17, 2020
- 212
It was just one of those days. I made a post here which I deleted because I saw no reason to keep it up. Also this is kind of just a random personal post. Might keep it up might not idk. Probably nothing interesting about it.
Anyways. I think I could have drank the SN I prepared - I think I was close. I sat there for at least an hour really psyching myself up for it. Once I took the first sip I'm sure the rest would come easier.
But someone I really like was talking to me during it. I had messaged them first not wanting to really say what was going on but I knew it would likely come out. But I wanted them to be the last person I ever talked to because they mean a lot to me. It was pretty stupid of me and it's what ultimately caused me not to drink the SN.
So I wasted like half of my SN and I'm still alive unfortunately. I'll try again (maybe soon? maybe not?) and hopefully resist the urge to talk to them before I go again. Or maybe I will talk to them, but leave my house. They don't live near me but they do know where I live and I was paranoid the whole time looking out the window waiting for some cops to show up.
Something weird though that really got me when I was trying to get over the fear of dying was even just looking at my hands made me want to cry. I've never felt that way before - I felt really really human in that moment. All I could think about was how if I drank the SN my hands would just... never feel again. I'd never know the sensation of petting my animals again or typing on my keyboard or holding my phone etc etc... again. It's weird. Facing your own death is weird. Almost kind of unreal.
Next time might take me a few hours to really decide to drink it but I know if I just sit there and think about it I'll do it. That's how I used to be with cutting or the time I tried to OD on pills. (didn't take enough.) Good luck to future me I guess.
Anyways. I think I could have drank the SN I prepared - I think I was close. I sat there for at least an hour really psyching myself up for it. Once I took the first sip I'm sure the rest would come easier.
But someone I really like was talking to me during it. I had messaged them first not wanting to really say what was going on but I knew it would likely come out. But I wanted them to be the last person I ever talked to because they mean a lot to me. It was pretty stupid of me and it's what ultimately caused me not to drink the SN.
So I wasted like half of my SN and I'm still alive unfortunately. I'll try again (maybe soon? maybe not?) and hopefully resist the urge to talk to them before I go again. Or maybe I will talk to them, but leave my house. They don't live near me but they do know where I live and I was paranoid the whole time looking out the window waiting for some cops to show up.
Something weird though that really got me when I was trying to get over the fear of dying was even just looking at my hands made me want to cry. I've never felt that way before - I felt really really human in that moment. All I could think about was how if I drank the SN my hands would just... never feel again. I'd never know the sensation of petting my animals again or typing on my keyboard or holding my phone etc etc... again. It's weird. Facing your own death is weird. Almost kind of unreal.
Next time might take me a few hours to really decide to drink it but I know if I just sit there and think about it I'll do it. That's how I used to be with cutting or the time I tried to OD on pills. (didn't take enough.) Good luck to future me I guess.