Story My life.

[Charles]

I'm 18 years old right now.
My whole life I was different. I experienced what I at the time thought was love, love for almost every single female I had came in contact with..since grade school. Of course, no one had "loved" me back, because being age 7 or so, no one thinks about such things. Of course..at the time I couldn't undestand it. I felt rejected.
Up until 5th grade it was like this, I feel like I love, I get rejected..and so on and so forth. It was what I believed at that time and it therefore formed my emotional state..irreversibly. After the 5th grade, I met the girl which I think was "the one" .. and as always I got rejected. And that was my last straw. For 3 years I'd have been her classmate..and it ate at me..and just messed with me really bad. Now I'm 18..it's been 6 years. I didn't develop the feeling of being loved..mostly I believe due to my mother, which from her I didn't feel love, nor now, and it formed a very unhealthy relationship with females right now in my life. I have skipped a lot of things here..but the end result is, which I believe right now, that my brain was prepped for ASPD, and all of the events which had happened in my life, triggered my response..and made into what I am right now. "Feelingless", void creature.
A sociopath perhaps best describe what I am. I can't feel much..other than the physical emptyness in my chest..and my every waking moment, spent thinking about suicide, and my own death. This is a short..vague story of who I am and why I want to end my life.
I have contacted a doctor in Belgium, for assisted suicide, but never got a reply.
Any response to this post is welcome.

 

[AveryConure]

When you say ASPD do you mean something like Asperger's or are you talking about something else entirely?

 

[Charles]

When you say ASPD do you mean something like Asperger's or are you talking about something else entirely?

Antisocial Personality Disorder. The bad kind..

 

[AveryConure]

Okay, sorry about that.

It isn't much obviously, but I'm sorry you're dealing with that. I literally had to argue with somebody before that antisocial/psychopathy disorders are actual mental illnesses and should be treated as such but guess they think cause of the media they should never get help or whatever.

 

[Charles]

Okay, sorry about that.

It isn't much obviously, but I'm sorry you're dealing with that. I literally had to argue with somebody before that antisocial/psychopathy disorders are actual mental illnesses and should be treated as such but guess they think cause of the media they should never get help or whatever.

Not all of us are evil, trust me on this..yes..I did bad things, yes sometimes I lose myself into doing what can be considered bad behaviour..when I say this, I say this confidently, we are suffering too. Psychopath, Sociopath, we too are suffering.

 

[WakingUpFrightened]

I believe you might be interested in a subreddit called ForeverAlone, /r/foreveralone, as they say it, right? You'll find your people there, those who have been rejected their whole lives by their romantic interests.

 

[Charles]

I will look it up. Thank you.