Suicide47
Member
- Oct 24, 2018
- 39
At two years old, I would watch what my dad would do to my mom, his miserable drunk self screaming at her with his troll teeth and fat hairy belly while my mom stood there and hold back tears to make it seem it didn't bother her. He would hold my mom up by the collar of her shirt while I would cry into my sister. He chased us out of the house so many night, we would have to walk 6 miles to the nearest gas station to call my grandma for a place to stay. This happened about 4 nights a week. Mom made a game out of it-hide from the monster (trucks on the road) and jump behind cover, To hide from what could
Possibly be my dad. Must've been hard raising 5 kids that way, especially when we would sleep in the car and every 30 minutes drive away bc what happened if he found us? Not having enough room so my older sisters slept on the floor of the car; always had a bag packed just in case, not being able to eat dinner to provide for her kids. She was always the escape. Until I became old enough to deny her protection. At 17, I was led to a house and was raped. Went to the police but I was too scared to take him to court. Few months later, I entered an abusive relationship. Trying to change someone else but it never works. The police would be called countless number of times, until one day he stole every penny I had, hurt me, then said "now you can leave bitch." After that, I told myself I'd stop self-harming and I would force myself to be happy. I created a fictional world for myself and chose to pretend that nothing ever happened to me. Everything was fine until 2018, as funny as that sounds. This is my year. My final year. In February, I was dating a guy for 7 months. I found out he cheated on me twice within the first 5 months but I insisted to not give up on him. I wanted a real relationship and I already put in so much time and apparent effort. A few weeks later I found out he cheated on me again, and this time the girl told me. I felt defeated. I tried to move on as quickly as possible and entered a new relationship, which I still currently am in and this man is the only reason I'm still here. But during the months of May-now, I got a dwi and the other guy started to stalk me. I got a lawyer and the lawyer touched me, used his power over me. He chose to bring me to his house and did what he wanted with me yet still expected me to do it again... I'm not able to stand up for myself. I learned to be quiet; to bite my tongue. I called my mom minutes after it happened. She told me not to tell the police and not to tell the court. I called my boyfriend and he said going to court wasn't safe if he was my lawyer so I called the courthouse and they offered me some more time to find a new lawyer. I still have not received my refund and I need to learn how to sue someone. As for the dwi, it's been rescheduled 5 times now, mostly due to things idek about. The da said this, the da said that. I live in the middle of nowhere: about 20 minutes away from the nearest town. My grandma died, an older friend I trusted became sexual towards me, I'm angry towards the people who love me. I've decided I no longer want help. I've been at the doctors so much for being sick and recently confessed to being sick mentally and the only therapists in my town are for children or are booked. Won't be able to take new clients. So now that I've looked for help and haven't been successful, it made me doubt myself even more. Like I said; I don't want help. I don't want kind words that tell me I can push through anything. I know what I'm capable of. I've been through a lot and have made it this far. But I don't want to be here anymore. I just wanted to get my story out to someone- anyone- before I leave this earth. And I want people to remember me by my big smile, soft hair, bubbly personality, and my friendliness to others. My love for fun and adventure. Not the girl who cuts herself every night, or cries silently in the mall bathroom because I have nowhere else to go. My mom, my siblings and my bf will weep. But time will go on, just as it always does.
Possibly be my dad. Must've been hard raising 5 kids that way, especially when we would sleep in the car and every 30 minutes drive away bc what happened if he found us? Not having enough room so my older sisters slept on the floor of the car; always had a bag packed just in case, not being able to eat dinner to provide for her kids. She was always the escape. Until I became old enough to deny her protection. At 17, I was led to a house and was raped. Went to the police but I was too scared to take him to court. Few months later, I entered an abusive relationship. Trying to change someone else but it never works. The police would be called countless number of times, until one day he stole every penny I had, hurt me, then said "now you can leave bitch." After that, I told myself I'd stop self-harming and I would force myself to be happy. I created a fictional world for myself and chose to pretend that nothing ever happened to me. Everything was fine until 2018, as funny as that sounds. This is my year. My final year. In February, I was dating a guy for 7 months. I found out he cheated on me twice within the first 5 months but I insisted to not give up on him. I wanted a real relationship and I already put in so much time and apparent effort. A few weeks later I found out he cheated on me again, and this time the girl told me. I felt defeated. I tried to move on as quickly as possible and entered a new relationship, which I still currently am in and this man is the only reason I'm still here. But during the months of May-now, I got a dwi and the other guy started to stalk me. I got a lawyer and the lawyer touched me, used his power over me. He chose to bring me to his house and did what he wanted with me yet still expected me to do it again... I'm not able to stand up for myself. I learned to be quiet; to bite my tongue. I called my mom minutes after it happened. She told me not to tell the police and not to tell the court. I called my boyfriend and he said going to court wasn't safe if he was my lawyer so I called the courthouse and they offered me some more time to find a new lawyer. I still have not received my refund and I need to learn how to sue someone. As for the dwi, it's been rescheduled 5 times now, mostly due to things idek about. The da said this, the da said that. I live in the middle of nowhere: about 20 minutes away from the nearest town. My grandma died, an older friend I trusted became sexual towards me, I'm angry towards the people who love me. I've decided I no longer want help. I've been at the doctors so much for being sick and recently confessed to being sick mentally and the only therapists in my town are for children or are booked. Won't be able to take new clients. So now that I've looked for help and haven't been successful, it made me doubt myself even more. Like I said; I don't want help. I don't want kind words that tell me I can push through anything. I know what I'm capable of. I've been through a lot and have made it this far. But I don't want to be here anymore. I just wanted to get my story out to someone- anyone- before I leave this earth. And I want people to remember me by my big smile, soft hair, bubbly personality, and my friendliness to others. My love for fun and adventure. Not the girl who cuts herself every night, or cries silently in the mall bathroom because I have nowhere else to go. My mom, my siblings and my bf will weep. But time will go on, just as it always does.
