Story my life

[Leonard_Bangley39]

i was born secular abroad August 27th, 2004 is Wiesbaden Germany. Both my parents were in the army, my dad served before i was born and my mom was still serving after. My dad is a Dominican immigrant and i hate him. I loved my mom and still miss her. I grew up in Texas with 3 older sisters. I struggled a lot in school because I'm autistic and would get into trouble very often. I was expelled during elementary and had to switch schools the first of many times. My dad would beat me pretty often. He would also play music on the stereo system in the living room so loud that me and my sisters would have to hide in the bathroom while covering our ears just to bear it. He was a horrible person, violent, alcoholic, narcissistic, huge Democrat. He was pretty much every single negative stereotype about immigrants rolled up into one horrible shitstain of a human being. I think i was maybe 7 years old or something when my dad tried to run over a guy at a gas station for some dumb reason while drunk driving and he got arrested, and me and my two sisters were sent to a foster home because our mother was still off on deployment at the time. Some time while i was young, my dad burnt our house down for tax reasons or something and i had to switch schools again after we moved. All my memories of my childhood are really hazy and jumbled. After some time, they had a new house wheeled into our property on a huge trailer. we lived in 4 acres of land. my mom used to keep horses, goats, and chickens. i loved going horseback riding with my mom, it was always so fun. i don't remember how old i was when i heard, but i remember one time overhearing my mom talking in the phone with what i assume to be a doctor or psychiatrist about how i had autism. that was when i first learned i was autistic. I never really thought much of it though. i still got into trouble pretty often in school. i had a lot of cats growing up, but they would always disappear. it wasn't until i was a little older that one of my sisters revealed to me that my dad was taking them, driving far out to the middle of nowhere, and dumping them. He hated animals. He even shot a big dog we once had. One of our cats, Pepper, actually managed to find her way back home after my dad dumped her, and that was the last cat i owned before my mom passed away. i don't really remember why, but at some point when i was 11, we moved from Texas to Rhode Island. My grandparents on my mother's side lived there. I really liked it there, it's nice and cold up north, and living so close to the ocean was really fun too. Our house was just a 5 minute walk from the beach, great view. i still got into lots of trouble during school. i was always placed into the special ed classes and i always fucking hated it. i feel like special ed makes kids worse, it coddles them too much and stunts their growth. I always wanted to get out if those classes and just be normal. One day in middle school, i was accused of making death threats against another student and was expelled and sent to a ghetto behavioral school. it was the fucking worst period of my life. i was sent to two different behavioral schools actually. the first one was kinda like a psych ward for kids. i have vivid memories of the staff restraining me and pinning me in this small closet with carpets all along the floor and walls anytime id misbehave. i cant even begin to describe how much i hated being in that fucking prison of a school. eventually after just flat out refusing to go anymore, they send me to a different behavioral school. It was still awful. in the beginning of the day we'd all have to line up at the entrance and be wanded down like it was an airport or something. a fight would break it at least once every day i was there. it was the definition of ghetto trash. eventually, i managed to get out of there and be transferred back to regular school for mt sophomore year of highschool. they still put me in those fucking special ed classes and i still fucking hated it. they even forced me to walk a specific route through the school so i wouldn't run into the student they said i made death threats about. sophmore year was ok, but not really anything noteworthy. i got along with my classmates, but never managed to make any real friends. I don't think I've ever had a real friend in my life. I used to hang out with this one kid in middle school before they sent me to behavioral school. One day i was messing around on Google maps on one of computers in special ed and pulled up my house, than the other kid saw and pointed out that he actually lived real close to there. i started hanging out with him after that, it was pretty fun. but suddenly he moved away one day and i didn't see him again. anyways, my sophmore year was very average. id often sit alone during lunch, mostly because i liked being alone, other people are always so busy and too much to deal with. I remember this one time i was playing Minecraft on my school laptop during lunch and this one girl came up to me and asked if i was a gamer. I just said yeah and went back to playing. It's only now that i think she might've been flirting. i funny really care though, she wasn't my type. nobody was, really. i was too autistic to give a single shit about romantic stuff back then. i was more interested in games and youtube. after sophmore year, covid hit and my entire junior year was spend on zoom. i would just do the bare minimum in classes and goof off on my computer the rest of the day. i had two monitors so sometimes i would literally have zoom open on one monitor and South Park open on the other. during the pandemic was also when i got my mom into liking anime. it's sad, but this was probably the peak of my life. we had a computer plugged into our tv in the living room with a Bluetooth mouse and keyboard so we could use it. Almost everyday me and my mom would watch anime together in the living room on kissanime. she actually enjoyed it too, we watched tons of anime, attack on titan, one punch man, assassination classroom, and a ton more. her overall favorite anime by far was one piece. we were actually fully caught up with all 900+ episodes that were out at the time, and we even watched some of the movies online. she liked it so much, she would get excited every Friday when a new episode would come out and want to watch it with me. we were caught up to episode 987, right when the oden flashback ended, before she passed away. her health was always not the best due to her time the army. she had multiple bone screws, constant back pain that she smoked medical marijuana for since it was legal in Rhode Island, and fibro myalgia. one day she was sent to the hospital because she puked in her sleep and was unconscious. i don't really remember all the details, everything didn't feel real at the time. doctor's said she had bacteria in her lungs or something. i went to see her in the hospital while she was unconscious once. she was so cold and gray. a few days after that, my dad got a call in the middle of the night saying she passed away. it was one of the few times i actually saw that piece of shit cry. i teared up a bit while laying in bed that night. i remember thinking to myself why i wasn't crying more. i don't know why i didn't cry more. by this time, my oldest sister was living in Texas with her husband and my other two sisters who were twins were in college. my two twin sisters always did really good in school, and my dad made stew i knew. he made sure i knew that all the fucking time. that they were doing better than me. i still love them, but back then i kind of developed a small hatred towards them for it. after my mom passed away, am my sister's came back to Rhode Island for the cremation. while she was being cremated, all my sister's were crying, and i just sat there. staring straight ahead. same as before, all i could think was "why am i not crying?" i remember that after all this, my dad ripped the velcro patch off her old army uniform, saying how it was his last name and not hers. later that day, while my oldest sister was taking me and the twins to the grocery store, she told us all in the car about how before we were born, while our mother was off on deployment, our father had raped her multiple times when she was only 6 years old. my oldest sister had the same mom but a different dad, my mom's previous husband before she married my dad. after that, we all cut him out of our lives and i left to go live with my sister in Texas. my senior year in Texas went pretty much the same as every other school year for me. average grades, no real friends, no long term friends. after i graduated i tried to enroll in college for IT, but since i didnt have a car to get to campus with, i had to take my classes online. the classes were awful and i eventually just dropped out because i wasnt learning anything. looking at the market today, i kinda dodged a bullet. anyways, since i wasn't in college anymore, i got a job at an Amazon fulfillment center with one of my sisters. at this time, two of my sisters were living in Texas, my oldest sister and one of the twins, and my other sister, the other twin, was living in Nashville. i worked as a picker at Amazon, i hated it. it was over an hour long drive from our home to the warehouse and the work felt like it was eroding away at my mind. i eventually ended up getting fired because i kept listening to music in my earbuds despite being told by my manager to stop. it was my fault for not listening, but i still hated how they didn't let us have earbuds because they claimed it was a safety issue, but they literally had full on deaf people working the same jobs as us with no hearing aides. how the fuck did that even make sense??? anyways, after i was fired, i started working at a local call center in my town. Specifically, i was a collections agent for Harley Davidson. i would just sit at my desk and the autodialer would call customers and i would read them some dumb script about their past due payments. i really loved being bored out of my mind in some little cubicle half of the time and getting screamed at by customers the other half. just like sitting as a picker, it would just erode your psyche slowly. around this time i also decided to move from my oldest sister's house to my other sister's house because my oldest sister's house was getting really crowded. i lived in their with my sister, her husband, her baby, her friend, and her friend's two kids. it was understand sometimes. id often just go walk around the neighborhood and town just to have some quiet time. it was during these walks that i also discovered my great hated for western urban planning. anyways, i moved in with my other sister and it was much quieter. after a while, i got fired from my call center job for fucking with the computers. i got scolded by my sister and after like a month, i managed to get hired at the local HEB grocery store. and then after like a few weeks i got fired from that job too. while riding my e scooter home after getting fired, that's life by Frank Sinatra started playing in my earbuds. that fucking song always somehow manages to weasel it's way into my playlist's shuffle at the most ironic of times. i got scolded by my sister again about how she was going to struggle to pay the rent because of me. for like a month i kept filling out as many applications as i could. i would even put on my suit and tie and literally walk into places and ask if they were hiring. sadly, since i only had an e scooter and not a car, i was very limited in where i was able to work. i contemplated becoming homeless and leaving town. one night, my sister gave me a long lecture about how i had to get my life together and that she couldn't keep me on her lease if i couldn't get a stable plan for my future. she gave me an ultimatum that i had to either give her a detailed plan for what i would do with my life, or i would have to leave. that same night, i packed all my essentials, got on my scooter, and vanished in the middle of the night without telling her. all i wanted in that moment was to get away from that town. i would ride my scooter until the battery died, find a working outlet somewhere, and once my scooter was fully charged, id start riding again. the first of my homelessness, i slept behind a random subway store next to an outlet. i kept riding my scooter further and further, sometimes having to walk several miles while carrying several bags of my stuff when the battery died. one day while i was looking for an outlet at a walmart, some guy with a truck asked if i was looking for work and paid me 40 bucks to help remove solar panels from a roof. i think he thought i was an immigrant. eventually, i traveled from copperas cove all the way to temple before i decided to buy a greyhound bus ticket all the way to milwaukee. i was flat broke at the time so i would deliver doordash on my scooter until i saved up enough to buy the ticket. after i made it to milwaukee, i would continue deliver doordash to make enough money to pay my phone bill, buy food, and any other essentials i needed. i tried applying to tons of jobs too but i never got hired anywhere. being homeless didnt help. i stayed a single night in a local homeless shelter just so i could have them write me a proof of residence letter and use that to get me a wisconsin id. as soon as i got my proof of residence, i immediately left and never went back. i hated that place more than anything, id rather sleep on the streets. i kept applying to jobs for months and months. one day while i was delivering doordash, i got run over by a lady running a red light and sent to the hospital for 2 nights. my scooter was destroyed and making money was much harder. i refused to become a worthless begger so instead i used a gps spoofer to fasley complete orders on doordash and nake money that way. sometimes id even walk to the restaurant if it was close enough and pick up the order, only to then keep it and eat it. in my mind, it was either this or begging. and i refused to beg. i was homeless for almost half a year until i discovered job corps and decided to enroll. the entire time i was homeless, i had never reached out to any of my family. for all they knew, i just disappeared one night and never came back. after i enrolled in job corps, i moved into the dorms on campus and started taking my classes. they offered a few trades at the milwaukee campus, and the one i decided to choose was welding since i had heard that welding was in high demand. after i started my classes, i also finally reached out to my sisters again after all that time. i tried hard in my classes and after i welded for the first time, i actually really enjoyed it. when i started my welding classes, i would immediately put on my ppe and go out into the shop and start welding. id weld all day, id even weld straight through my break without even realizing. i loved it so much. after about 6 months, i passed all my classes and switched over to looking for welding jobs in the area. around this time, i took 2 weeks off soni could visit my sister in nashville and go see the ado concert in chicago with her. i chose to fly down to chicago 2 weeks before the concert because i wanted to stay with my sister and try to reconnect, but looking back on it, i kinda regret it. after the concert, they drove me back to milwaukee and i continued looking for welding jobs while staying at job corps. i actually managed to find one job welding mig on aluminum and at first i was so excited. it payed 22 dollars an hour, 40 hours a week monday theough thursday. i felt like i was finally going to get my life together and become something. on my first day, i ended up sick with a cold and was struggling to keep up with work. it also didnt help that during my training, i only welded on steel and aluminum is much more difficult than steel. after only a single week, they decided to let me go. i didnt really know what to think at the moment. i tried my hardest. as hard as i could. i literally felt like i was going to puke at times cause i was still sick, but i kept working. and yet i guess it wasnt enough. i was back to just sitting in classes in job corps filling out countless appications. i felt like absolute shit. all i wanted to do was try and get my life together and become something respectable onstead lf be a dumb kid my whole life. a few days after that, i flew back down to nashville for a weekend to go to my sister's wedding. it was a really good wedding, ik really happy for my sister. but the whole time, all i could thin kabout was everyone else's lives. my sister was only 5 years older than me and she had already gone to an amazing university in nashville, got a degree in biochemistry, made tons of friends, got married, and even started her own nail salon. there was this one moment where the groom's mom came in while we were all in the groom's area getting ready. she seemed like such a lovely mother. all i could think about was how much i missed my mom, that i would never get to have a moment like that. his family was so big too, and they all looked so happy. there was so many people at the wedding, i didnt know a single person there outside of my sisters and brother in law. after the ceremony while we were all eating, my other twin sister gave a short speech about her, and then the groom's friends gave a speech about him. all i could think about while listening to the speeches was how nice their lives sounded. they went to a good university, got good jobs, had the whole college experience, made tons of friends. and then theres me, unemployed, immature, irresponsible, stuck in some ghetto, bottom of the barrel jobcorps shit hole, cant even hold down a job, no friends, no girlfriend. an absolute failure of a person. the wedding was amazing, im really happy for my sister. but all i could really think about was how i wanted to die. the next day, i went to go see demon slayer infinity castle in theaters together with my other sisters, and i enjoyed it, but all the same, all i could think about was dying. about how much i hated myself, how i was a failure. just the unemployed little brother who cant get his life together. when i flew back to milwaukee, i kept trying to fill out applications and do interviews. but by that point, almost all my motivation was gone. i had a few interviews and weld tests, and i was still a little hopeful that i could find a job and get back on track. but after each and every single one of them ghosted me, i just gave up. my separation date was coming up which meant i was going to have to leave job corps soon. that was when i stopped contemplating it and finally decided that i was going to kill myself. i changed my phone number and havent contacted my sisters at all since the wedding, and a little over a week ago i spend 500 dollars on a plane ticket to Tokyo and 2000 booking an apartment for 30 days. my plan is to go to japan and enjoy it to my fullest, reclaiming my freedom in life. and then on the last day, ill kill myself on livestream. ill buy a small indoor grill, gill it with charcoal and burn it indoor so the carbon monoxide will kill me in my sleep. and to make sure im unconscious when the carbon monoxide kills me, i plan on taking several boxed of benadryl with tons of alcohol along side it. it's all i can think about at times. i fucking hate myself and want it to end. im fucking worthless. scheduled my flight on december 4th cause i wanted to be able to see new years in tokyo, but almost every day now ive wished i could just leave immediately. i hate all of this. yesterday during roll call i bluntly said infront of the entire dorm and the RA that ive been feeling suicidal for months now. i was thinking that something might happen, maybe the staff would pull me aside and talk about it, maybe theyd call the cops. nothing. i dont think anyone even cared. i cant blame them. i wouldnt care about me either. i even tried strangling myself with a charging cable in my room just to see if i could make myself pass out. everyday all i can think about is shit ive done in the past. sometimes not even far in the past. ill dwell over shit i said in chat earlier that morning all day and itll just make me want to kill myself even more. i contemplate calling 988 and having myself committed sometimes, but i dont have the guts to call them. i just want to die. every day is just the same. sitting in a classroom doing nothing, counting the days until i can finally leave.