Ive always only read posts on this website for about a year but things have been getting to be too much for me that im seriously considering trying the SN method I've had a weird upbringing and I've just never felt wanted and always been so uncomfortable with myself. Growing up I always wondered why my parents only hit me and not my other siblings it wasn't just discipline I used to hide from my mom in my closet whenever she got home from work I would even have to hold my breath so she wouldn't find me and bruise me my parents used to make me wear this big sweater till I was 11 n never let me take it off at school and now that I'm grown Ive realized it was because of those one time I took it off while I was outside cuz it was hot and then my teacher noticed my bruises and found more on my back n we had a big huge meeting with her and my parents and I just remember them being very strict about it after that like they would tell me the principle said I was not allowed to take it off and if I did they would send me away to an insane asylum or to Mexico to figure my life alone as a child. I used to be a really heavy sleeper and my dad would always wake me up every morning by whipping me with his belts every morning till I stopped crying he wouldn't even care if I was laying on my back or not he would still hit me and leave me marks on my arms and back and stomach for the rest of the day and sometimes leave bruises. I was too scared to tell anyone I lied to all my friends and said I was just insecure cuz I didn't want to keep getting hit even my sisters and brother were abusing me and I'm the youngest of the family. My sisters always hated on me and said very hurtful things to me growing up and my brother would fight me and beat me even tho he's 8 years older than me and overweight I used to get so many nosebleeds and busted lips from them coming on the trampoline we used to have w their shoes on from them jumping me.
My dad used to get rlly mad at me cuz he would get so many calls from my teachers cuz I would fall asleep in class cuz I wouldn't sleep at all to avoid him waking me up like that and I think that's probably the reason why I'm a night owl lol but he eventually stopped when I turned like 9 but I was still a very depressed child. My brother tried to rape me when I was 6 and he was 14 because I wouldn't tell my dad to change his curtains, he is autistic but he should've known better than me by 14 I was a child he said he would actually do it if I didn't and I was so terrified so I just did it but after that I never felt safe in that house I wanted to tell my mom about it but I was scared they were gonna turn it around on me and say I'm the fucked up incest one but I told my mom cuz he's was being disgustingly touchy with me in ways you shouldn't touch your little sister I told her everything when I was 8 and told her not to tell him cuz he would just deny it and turn it around on me and she was so shocked but promised to protect me. The next day I heard her telling him and what I predicted would happen happened and my sisters and brother shitted on me abt it and made me out to look like some weirdo who wants to do incest or something I didn't leave my room whenever they were out for the next year I felt so violated and betrayed they kept telling me I was making shit up but why the fuck would I make that up and why would I want that to happen to me??? that was one of the most terrible feelings I've ever had and I didn't even know what was going on or what rape meant till after. I have always hated myself I used to choke myself with my parents belts whenever I would get pissed off and I first tried to cut myself when I was 9 before I even knew that was a thing I was just very angry and full of hate and just wanted to hurt myself because I thought I deserved it. I started actually cutting myself when I was 11 and I'm 19 now and am still struggling with staying sober from self harm it started getting worse after I turned 15 the whole truth came out and I've just realized so much that everything makes sense. My mom was getting mad at me going to my friend's house across the street and just decided to blow up on me and tell me how she really feels about me she said she regrets having me she said she wanted to abort me but couldn't because my dad didn't believe in abortions and he said he would divorce her if she did and she didn't want to go through that she she had me nut it just hit me on why I grew up the way I did and my brother and sister had it easy and loving because my mom expressed the way she felt abt me to them while she was preggers that's why everyone was always ok with me getting hurt and never did anything about it but freaked out when it was a only of my other siblings. I later asked my mom about it when she wasn't upset and she still said it was true and said it all sad and kind of bothered by it like if she wasn't speaking to the daughter shes talking about.
My older sister who is 10 is older than me started sexualizing me once I turned 14 I was so uncomfortable I couldn't even step out my room w shorts or a short sleeve on without her saying some inappropriate shit about my body or calling me a whore and that I'm trying to impress the family fucking disgusting I hate them so much literally the only way I don't hear shit from them is if I leave w pants n a hoodie and a blanket around me they're so disgusting. she has also convinced my parents I'ma end up as a homeless prostitute drug addict just because I got my first boyfriend who I've been with for 4 years. It just makes me feel so gross and weird having to hear her talk shit about me everyday since I was 15 so I moved in with my bf and I've been doing a little better but I still feel like giving up. Shes 30 and says shes not moving out till 35 and already is making my parents make me pay 350 for rent when she doesnt even pay herself I'd rather just cut them off now its what I always had planned anyway. I've been hurting myself a lot more now I've gotten so emotional that I've tried to cut my throat twice but my bf stopped me the second time I'm starting to get scared of what I'm capable of I think I could really go through with killing myself I've also started to bang my head I've given myself some concussions I hit myself so hard once I left a crack in my skull n couldn't work for a month I'm a danger to myself but I'd rather not get help and get sent away and be miserable I'd rather end my life the way I want it. I just feel like i ruin everything and everyone even my bf has become more sad since being with me I feel as if I'm ruining his life and I just hate thinking about mine and what I'm gonna do I dont want to feel this way anymore I don't want to feel I just want to keep cutting myself and stay high all the time. there's no point in this I just wanted to rant I wanted to let it out instead of just self harming.
My dad used to get rlly mad at me cuz he would get so many calls from my teachers cuz I would fall asleep in class cuz I wouldn't sleep at all to avoid him waking me up like that and I think that's probably the reason why I'm a night owl lol but he eventually stopped when I turned like 9 but I was still a very depressed child. My brother tried to rape me when I was 6 and he was 14 because I wouldn't tell my dad to change his curtains, he is autistic but he should've known better than me by 14 I was a child he said he would actually do it if I didn't and I was so terrified so I just did it but after that I never felt safe in that house I wanted to tell my mom about it but I was scared they were gonna turn it around on me and say I'm the fucked up incest one but I told my mom cuz he's was being disgustingly touchy with me in ways you shouldn't touch your little sister I told her everything when I was 8 and told her not to tell him cuz he would just deny it and turn it around on me and she was so shocked but promised to protect me. The next day I heard her telling him and what I predicted would happen happened and my sisters and brother shitted on me abt it and made me out to look like some weirdo who wants to do incest or something I didn't leave my room whenever they were out for the next year I felt so violated and betrayed they kept telling me I was making shit up but why the fuck would I make that up and why would I want that to happen to me??? that was one of the most terrible feelings I've ever had and I didn't even know what was going on or what rape meant till after. I have always hated myself I used to choke myself with my parents belts whenever I would get pissed off and I first tried to cut myself when I was 9 before I even knew that was a thing I was just very angry and full of hate and just wanted to hurt myself because I thought I deserved it. I started actually cutting myself when I was 11 and I'm 19 now and am still struggling with staying sober from self harm it started getting worse after I turned 15 the whole truth came out and I've just realized so much that everything makes sense. My mom was getting mad at me going to my friend's house across the street and just decided to blow up on me and tell me how she really feels about me she said she regrets having me she said she wanted to abort me but couldn't because my dad didn't believe in abortions and he said he would divorce her if she did and she didn't want to go through that she she had me nut it just hit me on why I grew up the way I did and my brother and sister had it easy and loving because my mom expressed the way she felt abt me to them while she was preggers that's why everyone was always ok with me getting hurt and never did anything about it but freaked out when it was a only of my other siblings. I later asked my mom about it when she wasn't upset and she still said it was true and said it all sad and kind of bothered by it like if she wasn't speaking to the daughter shes talking about.
My older sister who is 10 is older than me started sexualizing me once I turned 14 I was so uncomfortable I couldn't even step out my room w shorts or a short sleeve on without her saying some inappropriate shit about my body or calling me a whore and that I'm trying to impress the family fucking disgusting I hate them so much literally the only way I don't hear shit from them is if I leave w pants n a hoodie and a blanket around me they're so disgusting. she has also convinced my parents I'ma end up as a homeless prostitute drug addict just because I got my first boyfriend who I've been with for 4 years. It just makes me feel so gross and weird having to hear her talk shit about me everyday since I was 15 so I moved in with my bf and I've been doing a little better but I still feel like giving up. Shes 30 and says shes not moving out till 35 and already is making my parents make me pay 350 for rent when she doesnt even pay herself I'd rather just cut them off now its what I always had planned anyway. I've been hurting myself a lot more now I've gotten so emotional that I've tried to cut my throat twice but my bf stopped me the second time I'm starting to get scared of what I'm capable of I think I could really go through with killing myself I've also started to bang my head I've given myself some concussions I hit myself so hard once I left a crack in my skull n couldn't work for a month I'm a danger to myself but I'd rather not get help and get sent away and be miserable I'd rather end my life the way I want it. I just feel like i ruin everything and everyone even my bf has become more sad since being with me I feel as if I'm ruining his life and I just hate thinking about mine and what I'm gonna do I dont want to feel this way anymore I don't want to feel I just want to keep cutting myself and stay high all the time. there's no point in this I just wanted to rant I wanted to let it out instead of just self harming.
