I don't know why I'm writing this. Probably because I just want to write something. To vent out. But there's no point of this post really.
My life, almost 30 years now, has been a hell since the beginning. I had to fight every single day, starting in primary school already, to get a good life. I grew up in poverty, got bullied a lot. I've got diagnosed with BPD and a few other mental disorders. BPD made my life a hell, in my early twenties I was extremely suicidal. If SN would have been available back then I would have taken it immediately. For N I didn't have the money.
Things got a little better when I started working. Until a few years ago, when another mental disorder occured that got worse over time. I don't want to disclose details about this for privacy reasons, but it's something slowly making my life unbearable. I went from psychiatrist to psychiatrist, always having to hear they cannot help me because they never heard of these kind of symptoms. I gave up after about 2 years of looking for professional help, which was, like my previous experiences with our mental help system, unhelpful. Just a waste of time and money.
I fought so hard to get a better life and now this happens. When my life finally started, some new fucking disease started. It ruined evertything: my career, my relationship, my quality of life.
Now we're slowly getting to the conclusion of this. It can be next month or in a few months, I'll have to change jobs and doing my job effectivily might not be possible anymore. I'll have to wait and see. But one thing I have decided already: I refuse to stop working. I have a good job with a good salary now. If that's taken away from my after fighting for it for so many years, it's over for me. I can survive on government benefits, but that's about it: survival. That's not what I fought for for years. Enough is enough.
I know it's gonna happen anyway, just a matter of time. Covid made things much worse. Use of medicine got out of hand. And even if I can still work, I'll get a big paycut soon which will affect my quality of life drastically and there's nothing I can do about it. I wonder why I just don't take the N I have at home right now. Probably it's that little false hope of things getting better any time.
Have I been acting ethical on this forum? I've helped many people here ordering N or SN. I've never encouraged anyone to buy or use it, but I'm pretty sure some of these people have passed away. Am I responsible for that? I don't know. Maybe I am, but on the order side, if I didn't help them they either found the information elsewhere or did stupid things like benzo or paracetamol overdose, getting them sectioned in a psychiatrist ward, possibly with things like liver damage. Being sectioned myself I do not wish this to anymore.
I have no idea how I want to leave this world. Sometimes I thing I don't want to leave any kind of message or letter, but then I think that's unfair to my family. If I leave a letter, who to? Should I leave a message to my ex boyfriend who's for an unknown reason angry at me and refuses any contact? It's so hard to see him with someone else. Or maybe to one of my only "friends", who helped me, but is now also avoiding contact with me. Or should I play it bigger, posting a message in public on social media, letting everyone know why I did this? I have no fucking clue. I guess it'll depend on my mood when the time is ready.
I don't really want to die. I want this disease to be solved so I can continue life, but there's nothing anyone can do about it. Even a diagnosis is impossible. If this illness keeps preventing me from having a good life, my choice has already been made now for quite a while.
I wonder how much longer it'll take. A few months maybe? A few years? I don't know.
But I just want this to be over.
My life, almost 30 years now, has been a hell since the beginning. I had to fight every single day, starting in primary school already, to get a good life. I grew up in poverty, got bullied a lot. I've got diagnosed with BPD and a few other mental disorders. BPD made my life a hell, in my early twenties I was extremely suicidal. If SN would have been available back then I would have taken it immediately. For N I didn't have the money.
Things got a little better when I started working. Until a few years ago, when another mental disorder occured that got worse over time. I don't want to disclose details about this for privacy reasons, but it's something slowly making my life unbearable. I went from psychiatrist to psychiatrist, always having to hear they cannot help me because they never heard of these kind of symptoms. I gave up after about 2 years of looking for professional help, which was, like my previous experiences with our mental help system, unhelpful. Just a waste of time and money.
I fought so hard to get a better life and now this happens. When my life finally started, some new fucking disease started. It ruined evertything: my career, my relationship, my quality of life.
Now we're slowly getting to the conclusion of this. It can be next month or in a few months, I'll have to change jobs and doing my job effectivily might not be possible anymore. I'll have to wait and see. But one thing I have decided already: I refuse to stop working. I have a good job with a good salary now. If that's taken away from my after fighting for it for so many years, it's over for me. I can survive on government benefits, but that's about it: survival. That's not what I fought for for years. Enough is enough.
I know it's gonna happen anyway, just a matter of time. Covid made things much worse. Use of medicine got out of hand. And even if I can still work, I'll get a big paycut soon which will affect my quality of life drastically and there's nothing I can do about it. I wonder why I just don't take the N I have at home right now. Probably it's that little false hope of things getting better any time.
Have I been acting ethical on this forum? I've helped many people here ordering N or SN. I've never encouraged anyone to buy or use it, but I'm pretty sure some of these people have passed away. Am I responsible for that? I don't know. Maybe I am, but on the order side, if I didn't help them they either found the information elsewhere or did stupid things like benzo or paracetamol overdose, getting them sectioned in a psychiatrist ward, possibly with things like liver damage. Being sectioned myself I do not wish this to anymore.
I have no idea how I want to leave this world. Sometimes I thing I don't want to leave any kind of message or letter, but then I think that's unfair to my family. If I leave a letter, who to? Should I leave a message to my ex boyfriend who's for an unknown reason angry at me and refuses any contact? It's so hard to see him with someone else. Or maybe to one of my only "friends", who helped me, but is now also avoiding contact with me. Or should I play it bigger, posting a message in public on social media, letting everyone know why I did this? I have no fucking clue. I guess it'll depend on my mood when the time is ready.
I don't really want to die. I want this disease to be solved so I can continue life, but there's nothing anyone can do about it. Even a diagnosis is impossible. If this illness keeps preventing me from having a good life, my choice has already been made now for quite a while.
I wonder how much longer it'll take. A few months maybe? A few years? I don't know.
But I just want this to be over.
Last edited:
