Venting My life is slowly getting better, however, I still want to ctb

[Boudika]

I am now at the point where I can literally choose between two people for a relationship, as they are both vying for my love. I can see the results of my work, which makes me one step closer to achieving my goal. My figure has improved, and I have scored a slight glow up. I managed to earn 500 bucks (I'm 19 and not working, so for me it's a lot). My relationships with friends have improved, as have my social skills. And yet I still want to ctb. I feel like doing it here and now, I still hate myself and every time I look in the mirror I want to scratch my eyes out. I feel that I am written to commit suicide. That there is no other way for me, because I don't deserve anything else.

 

[King Ashoka]

The sweet peace after death is more alluring than any accolades in life.

 

[hellispink]

As long as your soul is uncomfortable you wont be able to enjoy those changes. First , you feel not deserving, meaning you self sabotaging. Second, you deciding with your own thoughts and head that you still want to ctb (its a decision), third seems like nothing is enough for you, so you will always be looking for more things that are wrong. My advice work on your anxiety and self esteem for real. You have been making changes in the outside , not in the inside. Its your soul you need to come to terms with and your demons. Realize what really matters and interests you now and if you accept your sabotaging yourself, then do something about it instead of giving up and complaining about how bad everything is. Decide wheter you want to fight or not. If you fight give it all, if you die then its your decision no one will tell you otherwise