My life is one long guilt trip

[betternever2havbeen]

I carry so much guilt around with me from my dad's death. There were SO many times he was let down by the hospital and doctors. It was up to me to make sure my dad was getting looked after properly. He had stage 4 cancer and it was in his bones and I remember his oncologist wanted him to go on a trial for some new pain management but you had to meet certain criteria and you couldn't be on any strong meds either. He was waiting weeks to go on this trial and kept having tests but couldn't meet all the criteria so he never got to go on it (and if he did he might've only got a placebo anyway so still no meds in that case) it was such a bad idea although I guess my dad did agree initially so I had to respect that. I don't even know if it's ethical for a doctor to leave someone in stage 4 cancer pain with only OTC meds for weeks...I should've challenged the doc and said no he's in too much pain. Eventually the oncologist stopped the trial idea and put him on morphine only because my dad told a nurse how much pain he was in. That's just one of the things I feel guilty about. After my dad died I googled his doc to see if I was just being paranoid and looking for blame but others had said his patient skills were shocking as well. I should've found him someone better. How could I sit by and let all these things happen.

Being the youngest (by a lot) I was still at home and I thought if I stuck around to be there for my family I wouldn't feel any guilt, but I couldn't have been more wrong-what good is it when you happen to be USELESS. I would've felt less guilt moving across the other side of the world and just coming back for funerals, and at least I wouldn't have any horrible images in my head or thinking maybe I made things worse.

I know I'm not the only one to lose a loved one to cancer, or even the only one to have the hospital be borderline negligent but I just can't deal with it. I'm not against therapy but I just don't see how they can help me come to terms with my guilt or accept suffering, I can't do that my brain won't let me. My dad and also my grandad suffered so much (horror stories there as well but less guilt for me since I was only 13) it's just too much to live with. I can't accept suffering, not insane levels of suffering. My life feels like hell.

 

[dreamscape1111]

Accept pain, but never overlook suffering. Instead, see it as an alarm clock gently reminding you that you're resisting reality, what is, somewhere on some level.
Whenever we put ourselves in opposition to what is we are fighting reality, which is a battle we simply cannot win, ever. Since at the ultimate level, we are reality Itself.
And creating and maintaining this artificial duality hurts and is the root of all suffering. This invalidates all shoulds and shouldn't s since in truth, all is just right as it is, always.
Every judgment comes after the fact of being, it comes in the form of thoughts, mental interpretations of what is. Now, guilt is a brilliant example of thought saying that something should've been different. This will always produce suffering, why? Just get really still and ask yourself how you're feeling when you believe that thought and the answer will be right there in your experience. So, whenever we're feeling intense negative emotions, let's ask ourselves, What thoughts am I believing right now that could be responsible for this emotional signal?
Wow, writing this out really quieted my mind, hope it helps in some shape or form. Hell is just a loving reminder that Heaven is just around the corner waiting for you, not somewhere else, but right here. (for more see Byron Katie's work called Loving What Is, it really helped me out a lot, the simple question Is it true? that is)

 

[betternever2havbeen]

@dreamscape1111 I know it's pointless going over and over the suffering but I can't seem to help it. I even asked a hypnotist if they could erase memories but of course they said that's not possible! Or if it is, you'll somehow feel worse although I have no idea how. I almost feel like I deserve to CTB although it's the "easy" way out. I feel SO responsible for all these terrible things that have happened.

 

[dreamscape1111]

Katie's Worksheet would say this about the painful thoughts/beliefs "I am responsible for my father's death." & "I don't deserve to live."

1. Is it true that ________ ? (Yes or no, if no, move to question 3)

2. Can you be absolutely sure that ________ it's true? (yes or no)

3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought _________ ?

4. Who or what would you be without the thought _________ ?

5. And lastly, turn the initial statement around:

Now, after getting really still and meditating on those questions honestly, I myself already feel much lighter and happier with some of the stuff that I've been carrying around, this means everyone has the power to do it too, everyone can question, be still, and so come to remember that everyone is loved unconditionally by the Universe. Because in truth, there are no rights and wrongs, everything simply is, and happens at exactly, precisely, the right moment the right way. You don't have to like it! It's just a whole lot easier if you do.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

@dreamscape1111 Thanks I'll try and use this when I'm feeling particularly affected by things. I do blame myself for all of it but it's a horrible weight to carry around with me and I know I never asked for any of this it just happened to us and I did the best I thought at the time. It just wasn't good enough.

 

[ShinigamiApples]

I carry so much guilt around with me from my dad's death. There were SO many times he was let down by the hospital and doctors. It was up to me to make sure my dad was getting looked after properly. He had stage 4 cancer and it was in his bones and I remember his oncologist wanted him to go on a trial for some new pain management but you had to meet certain criteria and you couldn't be on any strong meds either. He was waiting weeks to go on this trial and kept having tests but couldn't meet all the criteria so he never got to go on it (and if he did he might've only got a placebo anyway so still no meds in that case) it was such a bad idea although I guess my dad did agree initially so I had to respect that. I don't even know if it's ethical for a doctor to leave someone in stage 4 cancer pain with only OTC meds for weeks...I should've challenged the doc and said no he's in too much pain. Eventually the oncologist stopped the trial idea and put him on morphine only because my dad told a nurse how much pain he was in. That's just one of the things I feel guilty about. After my dad died I googled his doc to see if I was just being paranoid and looking for blame but others had said his patient skills were shocking as well. I should've found him someone better. How could I sit by and let all these things happen.

Being the youngest (by a lot) I was still at home and I thought if I stuck around to be there for my family I wouldn't feel any guilt, but I couldn't have been more wrong-what good is it when you happen to be USELESS. I would've felt less guilt moving across the other side of the world and just coming back for funerals, and at least I wouldn't have any horrible images in my head or thinking maybe I made things worse.

I know I'm not the only one to lose a loved one to cancer, or even the only one to have the hospital be borderline negligent but I just can't deal with it. I'm not against therapy but I just don't see how they can help me come to terms with my guilt or accept suffering, I can't do that my brain won't let me. My dad and also my grandad suffered so much (horror stories there as well but less guilt for me since I was only 13) it's just too much to live with. I can't accept suffering, not insane levels of suffering. My life feels like hell.

Guilt and Suffering

I carry the weight of guilt,
From my father's suffering and pain.
I failed to be his advocate,
In his final moments of life's domain.

The hospital's neglect and doctor's error,
Haunt my conscience every day.
I should have fought harder for him,
To find a better and less painful way.

I tried to be there for my family,
But I felt so utterly useless and small.
I thought being present was enough,
But now I realize I did nothing at all.

The thought of their suffering,
Is a constant source of pain and fear.
Therapy can't seem to ease my mind,
For the guilt and suffering are always near.

I can't accept such levels of pain,
Innocent lives taken by cancer's hold.
My mind feels trapped in this agony,
As I try to let my heart be bold.

-ShinigamiApples

 

[Ambivalent1]

Accept that guilt is a pretty useless emotion and that you did your best given the circumstances. Guilt that can't be resolved with acceptance and closure is just a mental torture device.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be awful and tiring having to deal with so much guilt, I just think the reality is that life is so unnecessarily cruel but anyway I wish you the best.