After a very long time ago I took a half benzo again. I am scared about potential withdrawal symptoms. These were hellish in the last semester but I am sort of with my back against the wall. I am scared that it helps shortterm but worsen my condition in the long run. But now it is too late I already took it and it helps (for now).
My love paranoia ruins everything. I have a very strong desire for a partner. 1-2 months ago I met a woman and we had a good chemistry. I had the feeling she might like me. And when this happens I often get paranoid. Like very convinced she would like me and showing that. It is rather harmless and I am in general a very harmless dude except for myself. But usually such a behavior ruins every chance with a woman. Even more because that woman told me she was raped. So I frightened her and ruined everything irreversibly. I think there is no coming back. I have some summaries for college and not many have access to them. I give these summaries to her and some others. I met her yesterday and it was really awkward.
I would like to explain my behavior. I told her I am socially awkward when I messaged her in a desperate attempt to save the situation. It seems hopeless. I had two wishes. First I would like to recommend her a book The Pale King chapter 46. I had to think about that a lot during our first conversations where I had the feeling she begins to like me. I elaborated in others threads what is described in that chapter. Woman getting objectivied and reduced to her outer appearance. But maybe this recommendation would also be awkward because it is especially about extremely beautiful people and if she asked me about the topic I would be in trouble. So I won't do it except we had some very personal conversations which probably will remain a naive day dream.
I more and more lose the hope I could repair the damage. I want to help her with the college stuff no matter what. No matter if we just stay friends, remain strangers or whatsoever.
So I think I will have to live with that. I wish I could clarify that I have a mental illness though this would only scare her more I assume.
So I explained this drama in my self-help group and one woman might considered me dating material. I am kind of scared the same thing will just repeat with her again. The difference would be she knows my illness but I think jumping from the first woman to the next would also be for her a big problem. I have big issues to relax and to get enough sleep. So I increased again the frequeny of taking addictive medication. I am anxious. So anxious this withdrawal hell breaks again loose.
I just noticed my mom seems to struggle with her health and boyfriend. If she dies I had to kill myself asap with no alternatives. Maybe this would be a statement but I think suicide is a way too existential decision to do it for the sole purpose of a statement. IF she dies I am dead within 2 weeks. And there is no choice then.
HOWEVER there is one positive thing (and as so often has to do with this forum) someone on here recommended me Lil happy lil sad I was in desperate need for new artists after I listened to all Lil Peep and almost all Juice WRLD songs. The songs are pretty comforting and nurtere my sad and empty soul.
My love paranoia ruins everything. I have a very strong desire for a partner. 1-2 months ago I met a woman and we had a good chemistry. I had the feeling she might like me. And when this happens I often get paranoid. Like very convinced she would like me and showing that. It is rather harmless and I am in general a very harmless dude except for myself. But usually such a behavior ruins every chance with a woman. Even more because that woman told me she was raped. So I frightened her and ruined everything irreversibly. I think there is no coming back. I have some summaries for college and not many have access to them. I give these summaries to her and some others. I met her yesterday and it was really awkward.
I would like to explain my behavior. I told her I am socially awkward when I messaged her in a desperate attempt to save the situation. It seems hopeless. I had two wishes. First I would like to recommend her a book The Pale King chapter 46. I had to think about that a lot during our first conversations where I had the feeling she begins to like me. I elaborated in others threads what is described in that chapter. Woman getting objectivied and reduced to her outer appearance. But maybe this recommendation would also be awkward because it is especially about extremely beautiful people and if she asked me about the topic I would be in trouble. So I won't do it except we had some very personal conversations which probably will remain a naive day dream.
I more and more lose the hope I could repair the damage. I want to help her with the college stuff no matter what. No matter if we just stay friends, remain strangers or whatsoever.
So I think I will have to live with that. I wish I could clarify that I have a mental illness though this would only scare her more I assume.
So I explained this drama in my self-help group and one woman might considered me dating material. I am kind of scared the same thing will just repeat with her again. The difference would be she knows my illness but I think jumping from the first woman to the next would also be for her a big problem. I have big issues to relax and to get enough sleep. So I increased again the frequeny of taking addictive medication. I am anxious. So anxious this withdrawal hell breaks again loose.
I just noticed my mom seems to struggle with her health and boyfriend. If she dies I had to kill myself asap with no alternatives. Maybe this would be a statement but I think suicide is a way too existential decision to do it for the sole purpose of a statement. IF she dies I am dead within 2 weeks. And there is no choice then.
HOWEVER there is one positive thing (and as so often has to do with this forum) someone on here recommended me Lil happy lil sad I was in desperate need for new artists after I listened to all Lil Peep and almost all Juice WRLD songs. The songs are pretty comforting and nurtere my sad and empty soul.
