Venting My life is a fucking mess and it's my fault.

[nir]

Oh my GOD, every year I get older and worse at living.

My house - a fucking nightmare. So fucking messy and disgusting and bad.

My health - I am so tired. All the time. I can barely clean because I'm so exhausted. I go to work, I go to sleep, repeat. I have no energy. I have no life. I got my bloods done and I'm low in some vitamins. I am taking the vitamins. I do not feel better. I am diagnosed with depression which I know can cause fatigue so...fuck. I also might have Seasonal Affective Disorder and it's getting close to winter so...also fuck.

My love life - ahahahahha aaahhaaaa. Ha ha.

My friends - ahaha aaaa. Ha.

My finances - I. Can't. Stop. Ordering. Food. My kitchen is fucking gross so I just order food. I think I spend as much on food delivery per month as I do rent. I feel sick thinking about it.

My looks - I look like if an old lady took a youth potion but it only half-worked. Parts of me look 27. Parts of me look 127. Put it together, you get a gal who doesn't need to buy a Halloween costume, because it's every day of the year for her!! woo fucking hoo babey

My self-care - I don't do it. My teeth are yellow. I have pimples and dry hair. I shower every day so at least I smell fine. But beyond basics, I can't be fucked to do anything.

My accountability - I have like 5 missed appointments for various important things that I haven't called back for. Some of these appointments were missed in August of LAST YEAR. 2023!!!

There's definitely other things I have forgotten, but you get the picture.

I want to get better, but I have no fucking energy and no willpower. When I get bursts of energy, I want to do things that make me happy so I don't off myself. But then I use up all of my energy doing fun stuff, come home to my disgusting home, and want to die again.

If I had a week of pure energy, I could un-fuck my life so much. But I'm lucky to get an energized hour a day.

Today I did two loads of laundry and took out some recycling and I didn't even make a dent. It's like I did nothing. I want to cry, but tears will not come out.

I've been through trauma, I have had bad things happen to me, but I think the biggest reason why I want to CTB is just me. I'm my own problem.

 

[fvckfamily]

Me too, because this i go ctb

 

[DaveNotSleeping]

I relate to this so much. It's crazy how the self care is the first thing to go and the one that's hardest to start back up. I was in the same position (truthfully I'm right back in that position) a handful of years ago. Kitchen was an absolute mess. I'd just get food from a chicken place on the way from work. Eventually I broke the cleaning task down into way smaller manageable pieces. Clean a couple cups here and there. If you have the energy wipe down a counter top. I know that's a huge oversimplification and is way easier said than done but any progress is good progress, you know?

I truly hope things get easier. Depression is fucked in that it punishes you for trying to get better.

 

[EmptyCurtainCall]

My self-care - I don't do it. My teeth are yellow. I have pimples and dry hair. I shower every day so at least I smell fine. But beyond basics, I can't be fucked to do anything.

omg this is so relatable for me . i ended up cutting my hair bc dealing w it all was so overwhelming . i do (well , did) have lots of hair and it was voluminous so i didnt deal w it often and cutting it makes it so easy to wash . it's a nightmare dealing w tangled hair and now that it's shorter there's not much to even get tangled ! washing hair is no more than 7 minutes now which is great . i shower ... more often than i used to , and for some reason brushing my teeth is the most daunting task of all . idk what it is but it's such a high mountain to climb . when i googled it there was ppl who have been diagnosed w adhd saying this could be a symptom and honestly it wouldn't be crazy if i did have it but i strongly doubt it . i think i'm just unintelligent in other areas and when it comes to teeth brushing , i'm not quite sure . it's like those 2 minutes are the most challenging of everything else i could do thru out the day .. so i do relate to your struggles w teeth and hair .

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Heard and felt OP, so sorry you're feeling like that. Self care is fucking hard. Here if you want to talk.

 

[-Link-]

Today I did two loads of laundry and took out some recycling and I didn't even make a dent. It's like I did nothing.

Based on what you're describing in the OP, this right here actually sounds like a hell of a lot, and an accomplishment at that.

We are responsible for ourselves, our actions, our inaction... This is true... But there is a line where it becomes a symptom of an illness rather than a problem of our own creation.

I don't know your overall life situation, but you said you're diagnosed with depression and obviously you're very active on a suicide forum which is suggestive of being on the higher end of the spectrum of severity.

This is a critically important distinction to make and buy into and a perspective to maintain. Guilt and shame are core components in depression, and the more of this that weighs you down, the harder it is to carry, the more it disrupts your forward motion in day-to-day life.

Even if it's challenging to see the good in yourself, try to permit yourself to let go of some of the bad -- some of this guilt and shame for things that are actually not your fault any more than somebody with a broken leg being unable to go for a run.

 

[amerie]

Oh my GOD, every year I get older and worse at living.

My house - a fucking nightmare. So fucking messy and disgusting and bad.

My health - I am so tired. All the time. I can barely clean because I'm so exhausted. I go to work, I go to sleep, repeat. I have no energy. I have no life. I got my bloods done and I'm low in some vitamins. I am taking the vitamins. I do not feel better. I am diagnosed with depression which I know can cause fatigue so...fuck. I also might have Seasonal Affective Disorder and it's getting close to winter so...also fuck.

My love life - ahahahahha aaahhaaaa. Ha ha.

My friends - ahaha aaaa. Ha.

My finances - I. Can't. Stop. Ordering. Food. My kitchen is fucking gross so I just order food. I think I spend as much on food delivery per month as I do rent. I feel sick thinking about it.

My looks - I look like if an old lady took a youth potion but it only half-worked. Parts of me look 27. Parts of me look 127. Put it together, you get a gal who doesn't need to buy a Halloween costume, because it's every day of the year for her!! woo fucking hoo babey

My self-care - I don't do it. My teeth are yellow. I have pimples and dry hair. I shower every day so at least I smell fine. But beyond basics, I can't be fucked to do anything.

My accountability - I have like 5 missed appointments for various important things that I haven't called back for. Some of these appointments were missed in August of LAST YEAR. 2023!!!

There's definitely other things I have forgotten, but you get the picture.

I want to get better, but I have no fucking energy and no willpower. When I get bursts of energy, I want to do things that make me happy so I don't off myself. But then I use up all of my energy doing fun stuff, come home to my disgusting home, and want to die again.

If I had a week of pure energy, I could un-fuck my life so much. But I'm lucky to get an energized hour a day.

Today I did two loads of laundry and took out some recycling and I didn't even make a dent. It's like I did nothing. I want to cry, but tears will not come out.

I've been through trauma, I have had bad things happen to me, but I think the biggest reason why I want to CTB is just me. I'm my own problem.

Man I relate to you so hard, I feel like an overgrown child. Doing the most simple tasks is just so difficult and I'm so envious of normal people who can do it with ease. Those YouTube videos about discipline make it seem so easy but I can never manage.

 

[nir]

Well, took out some trash today before heading to work, so that's... something. Still no dent made, but I went out and bought groceries during my break so I'll stop ordering food. I pretty much bought only snack foods and microwave meals, so that I still don't have to spend much time in my disgusting kitchen, but it's much cheaper than ordering in. I tried to buy the "healthier" microwave meals too, but they're all not great for you. C'est la vie.

Today my coworker thought I had a boyfriend. It's always funny that my coworkers see me as relatively normal, besides my haggard appearance. They don't know how fucking depressed I am. I think they actually kinda like me. They invite me out sometimes (not frequently, but sometimes) and don't seem to hate my presence. But I feel so alien around them. They have boyfriends/girlfriends and friends and lives. I have my bed, lmao. And a weighted blanket. Fucking love my weighted blanket. If you don't have one and you can afford one, get one. Game changer. Still sad, but now I'm cozier!

In my heart, I do want to get better. I think something that is making me want to get better is, funnily enough, this website. It's so nice to be able to say anything, no matter how embarrassing, and not have people say "ew, what is wrong with you?" It feels, oddly, like friendship. Or maybe family? Therapy? Idk. This website is such a strange place, but it makes me feel less alone and also I want to make you guys proud. Even though I don't know any of you, I want to be better. I don't want to keep making sadder and sadder posts, if I can help it. I might, but I want to try not to.

Me too, because this i go ctb

Unfortunately, my house being messy makes my SI even higher. I don't want to die and leave behind a disgusting house. Even though I'll be dead, and I don't believe in an afterlife, the idea of dying while my place is messy terrifies me for some reason. So I can't CTB until I clean. And funnily, I think a clean house would actually make me want to CTB less. It's this weird paradox.

Based on what you're describing in the OP, this right here actually sounds like a hell of a lot, and an accomplishment at that.

We are responsible for ourselves, our actions, our inaction... This is true... But there is a line where it becomes a symptom of an illness rather than a problem of our own creation.

I don't know your overall life situation, but you said you're diagnosed with depression and obviously you're very active on a suicide forum which is suggestive of being on the higher end of the spectrum of severity.

This is a critically important distinction to make and buy into and a perspective to maintain. Guilt and shame are core components in depression, and the more of this that weighs you down, the harder it is to carry, the more it disrupts your forward motion in day-to-day life.

Even if it's challenging to see the good in yourself, try to permit yourself to let go of some of the bad -- some of this guilt and shame for things that are actually not your fault any more than somebody with a broken leg being unable to go for a run.

I think if I had a relatively clean house, two loads of laundry and recycling would be great. But my apartment is soooo bad. I am always taking one step forwards and three steps back, like every day. I can't keep up with it.

My vitamins make me feel quite ill, but I think I'm just going to do several days in a row where I take them every day (I've been spacing them out to spare myself from the nausea, but it's not unsafe to take them daily - in fact, it's better for me overall, it just will suck) in hopes I can boost my energy levels enough for next weekend. I neeeeed to be productive. I can't keep living like this.

My depression is chronic, I think honestly I've been depressed since I was very, very little. I am on anti-depressants and they do work (I know it doesn't sound like it, but without them I wouldn't be able to hold down a job or keep myself alive at all, so...they are working, I'm just never gonna be normal I think).

This website I think (?) helps with my mood. It's really nice to not be alone. I do get sad seeing people kill themselves, but I get why they do it. I don't think being here, for the time being, is dragging me down. If anything, you guys are so nice. You all help a lot. There might be one day where I have to distance myself from here, but that is certainly not right now. I'm really grateful for you guys :)

 

[skyflame]

Today I did two loads of laundry and took out some recycling and I didn't even make a dent

even if it doesn't seem like a lot- it is!! It takes an incredible amount of effort to do crappy chores when you feel like death. Please don't be hard on yourself! Most days all I can do is have a shower but afterwards I'm like "fuck yeah I had a shower, go me!" to make myself feel a tiny bit better lol

 

[nir]

even if it doesn't seem like a lot- it is!! It takes an incredible amount of effort to do crappy chores when you feel like death. Please don't be hard on yourself! Most days all I can do is have a shower but afterwards I'm like "fuck yeah I had a shower, go me!" to make myself feel a tiny bit better lol

I have been trying the method of celebrating even the little wins. It feels a little alien because I'm so used to being angry at myself/hurting myself when I fuck up/am not perfect. I feel like I'm slowly learning how to gentle-parent myself, ha ha. I think it's working (?) Hard to tell because I'm so new to it all. I'm gonna keep trying to celebrate the small wins though, because my old habits of just hating myself were what got me into this mess. Might as well try new methods before fully giving up and roping, lol

 

[ilikehamsters]

I feel you, it's hard especially when you feel like you are taking one step forward and then five back, or when you get stressed and just undo all the progress you made.

What helps me is to try and make/keep a diary/journal list type thing and start of small with one item no matter how small like "Take out one bin bag today" and reward yourself for it and check it before you goto sleep, and if you keep that up for a few days (hopefully) it'll become second nature then you add another thing to the list rinse and repeat. it's pretty slow but it seems to work for me (for most things).