Venting My life is a fucking mess and it's my fault.

[nir]

Oh my GOD, every year I get older and worse at living.

My house - a fucking nightmare. So fucking messy and disgusting and bad.

My health - I am so tired. All the time. I can barely clean because I'm so exhausted. I go to work, I go to sleep, repeat. I have no energy. I have no life. I got my bloods done and I'm low in some vitamins. I am taking the vitamins. I do not feel better. I am diagnosed with depression which I know can cause fatigue so...fuck. I also might have Seasonal Affective Disorder and it's getting close to winter so...also fuck.

My love life - ahahahahha aaahhaaaa. Ha ha.

My friends - ahaha aaaa. Ha.

My finances - I. Can't. Stop. Ordering. Food. My kitchen is fucking gross so I just order food. I think I spend as much on food delivery per month as I do rent. I feel sick thinking about it.

My looks - I look like if an old lady took a youth potion but it only half-worked. Parts of me look 27. Parts of me look 127. Put it together, you get a gal who doesn't need to buy a Halloween costume, because it's every day of the year for her!! woo fucking hoo babey

My self-care - I don't do it. My teeth are yellow. I have pimples and dry hair. I shower every day so at least I smell fine. But beyond basics, I can't be fucked to do anything.

My accountability - I have like 5 missed appointments for various important things that I haven't called back for. Some of these appointments were missed in August of LAST YEAR. 2023!!!

There's definitely other things I have forgotten, but you get the picture.

I want to get better, but I have no fucking energy and no willpower. When I get bursts of energy, I want to do things that make me happy so I don't off myself. But then I use up all of my energy doing fun stuff, come home to my disgusting home, and want to die again.

If I had a week of pure energy, I could un-fuck my life so much. But I'm lucky to get an energized hour a day.

Today I did two loads of laundry and took out some recycling and I didn't even make a dent. It's like I did nothing. I want to cry, but tears will not come out.

I've been through trauma, I have had bad things happen to me, but I think the biggest reason why I want to CTB is just me. I'm my own problem.

 

[fvckfamily]

Me too, because this i go ctb

 

[DeadNotSleeping]

I relate to this so much. It's crazy how the self care is the first thing to go and the one that's hardest to start back up. I was in the same position (truthfully I'm right back in that position) a handful of years ago. Kitchen was an absolute mess. I'd just get food from a chicken place on the way from work. Eventually I broke the cleaning task down into way smaller manageable pieces. Clean a couple cups here and there. If you have the energy wipe down a counter top. I know that's a huge oversimplification and is way easier said than done but any progress is good progress, you know?

I truly hope things get easier. Depression is fucked in that it punishes you for trying to get better.

 

[EmptyCurtainCall]

My self-care - I don't do it. My teeth are yellow. I have pimples and dry hair. I shower every day so at least I smell fine. But beyond basics, I can't be fucked to do anything.

omg this is so relatable for me . i ended up cutting my hair bc dealing w it all was so overwhelming . i do (well , did) have lots of hair and it was voluminous so i didnt deal w it often and cutting it makes it so easy to wash . it's a nightmare dealing w tangled hair and now that it's shorter there's not much to even get tangled ! washing hair is no more than 7 minutes now which is great . i shower ... more often than i used to , and for some reason brushing my teeth is the most daunting task of all . idk what it is but it's such a high mountain to climb . when i googled it there was ppl who have been diagnosed w adhd saying this could be a symptom and honestly it wouldn't be crazy if i did have it but i strongly doubt it . i think i'm just unintelligent in other areas and when it comes to teeth brushing , i'm not quite sure . it's like those 2 minutes are the most challenging of everything else i could do thru out the day .. so i do relate to your struggles w teeth and hair .

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Heard and felt OP, so sorry you're feeling like that. Self care is fucking hard. Here if you want to talk.

 

[-Link-]

Today I did two loads of laundry and took out some recycling and I didn't even make a dent. It's like I did nothing.

Based on what you're describing in the OP, this right here actually sounds like a hell of a lot, and an accomplishment at that.

We are responsible for ourselves, our actions, our inaction... This is true... But there is a line where it becomes a symptom of an illness rather than a problem of our own creation.

I don't know your overall life situation, but you said you're diagnosed with depression and obviously you're very active on a suicide forum which is suggestive of being on the higher end of the spectrum of severity.

This is a critically important distinction to make and buy into and a perspective to maintain. Guilt and shame are core components in depression, and the more of this that weighs you down, the harder it is to carry, the more it disrupts your forward motion in day-to-day life.

Even if it's challenging to see the good in yourself, try to permit yourself to let go of some of the bad -- some of this guilt and shame for things that are actually not your fault any more than somebody with a broken leg being unable to go for a run.