My life has so much wonder and potential, but chronic illness makes every moment absolutely unbearable

[ready.to.go]

I don't want to die, but every waking moment is sheer misery. I have an amazing loving partner, friends and family that care so deeply about me, an amazing house, and financial stability.

But I've been chronically ill for years and I've cycled through every med/solution possible and nothing has helped even slightly. I've seen the best doctors in the country. I'm in excruciating pain and despair from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed. I can't enjoy even the most joyous moments, like my brothers wedding, because every moment is tainted by how unbearable it is to even exist.

I'm so torn by the potential and wonder my life has, but then realizing that it's useless because I'm bedridden and will be like this for the rest of my life.

I'm at the end of my rope and can't put up with it anymore. I have ctb plans and N, but can't get over how much it will hurt everyone. Every time my partner tells me how much they love me or my sister tells me how I'm the only thing keeping her alive, I feel such a deep guilt knowing that in a month I will devastate them.

But at the end of the day the only thing keeping me alive is them. I feel like I'm putting myself through misery and suffering just to save them. It doesn't feel worth it anymore, but I can't get over the guilt.

 

[RaspberriesLL]

Wow, I really feel you on this. My story is pretty much the same... I'm so very sorry you have to experience this. It's so unfair.

I hurt my back a few years ago and I'm set up to have my third spinal surgery in 3 years in October. I don't even want to go through with it in the event it fails, which at this point being out of "positive thoughts", I'm convinced it will.

Everything is hard. Working, walking, sitting, standing! I'm so limited. I'm laying down all day. I've been laying down for 3 years. I'm not living. I know the people who love me would be devastated, but a part of me also thinks they might understand? But yes, the guilt holds me back too. For now at least.

Sending hugs

 

[outrider567]

I don't want to die, but every waking moment is sheer misery. I have an amazing loving partner, friends and family that care so deeply about me, an amazing house, and financial stability.

But I've been chronically ill for years and I've cycled through every med/solution possible and nothing has helped even slightly. I've seen the best doctors in the country. I'm in excruciating pain and despair from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed. I can't enjoy even the most joyous moments, like my brothers wedding, because every moment is tainted by how unbearable it is to even exist.

I'm so torn by the potential and wonder my life has, but then realizing that it's useless because I'm bedridden and will be like this for the rest of my life.

I'm at the end of my rope and can't put up with it anymore. I have ctb plans and N, but can't get over how much it will hurt everyone. Every time my partner tells me how much they love me or my sister tells me how I'm the only thing keeping her alive, I feel such a deep guilt knowing that in a month I will devastate them.

But at the end of the day the only thing keeping me alive is them. I feel like I'm putting myself through misery and suffering just to save them. It doesn't feel worth it anymore, but I can't get over the guilt.

Sorry you're going thru Serotonin Syndrome, reading about it,sounds awful--What were the two drugs that you took that precipitated this?

 

[ready.to.go]

Sorry you're going thru Serotonin Syndrome, reading about it,sounds awful--What were the two drugs that you took that precipitated this?

The serotonin syndrome was temporary, actually, once I stopped one of the meds. I'm on a med called uribel and it contains methylene blue. Methylene blue is MAOI-like, but has the same contraindications as an MAOI. My doctor put me on an anti depressant for pain and the interaction caused the serotonin syndrome, but I stopped the antidepressant and that went away

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you have to endure so much suffering. It sounds really awful what you are going through and it is horrible how our bodies are capable of torturing us so much. People should not have to suffer like this, this life is just so cruel. I hope that in whatever happens you find relief from your pain.

 

[Cryptonite]

I don't want to die, but every waking moment is sheer misery. I have an amazing loving partner, friends and family that care so deeply about me, an amazing house, and financial stability.

But I've been chronically ill for years and I've cycled through every med/solution possible and nothing has helped even slightly. I've seen the best doctors in the country. I'm in excruciating pain and despair from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed. I can't enjoy even the most joyous moments, like my brothers wedding, because every moment is tainted by how unbearable it is to even exist.

I'm so torn by the potential and wonder my life has, but then realizing that it's useless because I'm bedridden and will be like this for the rest of my life.

I'm at the end of my rope and can't put up with it anymore. I have ctb plans and N, but can't get over how much it will hurt everyone. Every time my partner tells me how much they love me or my sister tells me how I'm the only thing keeping her alive, I feel such a deep guilt knowing that in a month I will devastate them.

But at the end of the day the only thing keeping me alive is them. I feel like I'm putting myself through misery and suffering just to save them. It doesn't feel worth it anymore, but I can't get over the guilt.

So much fantastic wonder and potential, but nothing because of chronic pain

it feels as if I did write this post myself...

 

[toforigivelife]

Is your partner aware of what you're going through on a daily basis? Your friends? Your family?

I don't know how they would take the thought of you dying by suicide but I hope they realize how this is affecting your quality of life.

I'm so sorry that you're torn between your suffering and yet wanting to live.

You feel like you're holding on for everyone else's sake but don't know if you can do it anymore.

You know your partner, your family and your friends better than I do but they all really should accept the level of suffering you have had to endure and the level of suffering you endure on a daily basis.

Even though this is not how you truly feel I think that you need to make it clear to those you care about that if this illness gets the better of you and your body that you are at peace with dying and that they can show their love for you by understanding your situation and by being at peace with your passing.

Hopefully that would give you some peace of mind and some emotional space while you make up your mind about your quality of life and whether or not you want to continue your battle with this illness.

I wouldn't want someone I love to suffer the way that you're suffering.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. If I could give you perfect health I would. If I could put your mind at ease I would.

The conversations that I've suggested you have with your loved ones might be uncomfortable conversations but they also might be necessary conversations.

 

[eternalflame]

Yes, you should defenitely talk to your loved ones. Also i think you're justified in thinking about suicide. Wishing you the best.

 

[ready.to.go]

Is your partner aware of what you're going through on a daily basis? Your friends? Your family?

I don't know how they would take the thought of you dying by suicide but I hope they realize how this is affecting your quality of life.

I'm so sorry that you're torn between your suffering and yet wanting to live.

You feel like you're holding on for everyone else's sake but don't know if you can do it anymore.

You know your partner, your family and your friends better than I do but they all really should accept the level of suffering you have had to endure and the level of suffering you endure on a daily basis.

Even though this is not how you truly feel I think that you need to make it clear to those you care about that if this illness gets the better of you and your body that you are at peace with dying and that they can show their love for you by understanding your situation and by being at peace with your passing.

Hopefully that would give you some peace of mind and some emotional space while you make up your mind about your quality of life and whether or not you want to continue your battle with this illness.

I wouldn't want someone I love to suffer the way that you're suffering.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. If I could give you perfect health I would. If I could put your mind at ease I would.

The conversations that I've suggested you have with your loved ones might be uncomfortable conversations but they also might be necessary conversations.

Yeah everyone is very aware. I've talked to a couple of them about my desire to end everything. I'm really open about it, but it'll still destroy them. I'm hoping that me being open about the suffering will help them understand, though

 

[toforigivelife]

Yeah everyone is very aware. I've talked to a couple of them about my desire to end everything. I'm really open about it, but it'll still destroy them. I'm hoping that me being open about the suffering will help them understand, though

I wish that you could find a solution for your pain and I'm sure that you could find that solution too.

Your family should start researching for every possible treatment that might help you.

In the meantime make sure they understand how your chronic pain is affecting your daily life and your quality of life.

 

[ghqkiiia2]

The serotonin syndrome was temporary, actually, once I stopped one of the meds. I'm on a med called uribel and it contains methylene blue. Methylene blue is MAOI-like, but has the same contraindications as an MAOI. My doctor put me on an anti depressant for pain and the interaction caused the serotonin syndrome, but I stopped the antidepressant and that went away

Please forgive me if I am having a finger in the pie. But as a reminder, I had read some papers say methylene blue can be used as a antagonist against SN poisoning. So if you are planning on using SN as your CTB tool, you might want to take this into account.
But in any case, hope you well and better.

 

[ready.to.go]

I wish that you could find a solution for your pain and I'm sure that you could find that solution too.

I'm seeing literally the #1 specialist in the country. It's not a fixable problem. If I want to wait years, there might be. But I can't

Please forgive me if I am having a finger in the pie. But as a reminder, I had read some papers say methylene blue can be used as a antagonist against SN poisoning.

Thank you I have seen this. Luckily I am using N. But it does lessen the effects of metoclopramide, so I'll be attempting to take less of it in the days leading up

 

[toforigivelife]

I'm seeing literally the #1 specialist in the country. It's not a fixable problem. If I want to wait years, there might be. But I can't

Thank you I have seen this. Luckily I am using N. But it does lessen the effects of metoclopramide, so I'll be attempting to take less of it in the days leading up

I understand my friend.

 

[tiny_dancer]

I don't want to die, but every waking moment is sheer misery. I have an amazing loving partner, friends and family that care so deeply about me, an amazing house, and financial stability.

But I've been chronically ill for years and I've cycled through every med/solution possible and nothing has helped even slightly. I've seen the best doctors in the country. I'm in excruciating pain and despair from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed. I can't enjoy even the most joyous moments, like my brothers wedding, because every moment is tainted by how unbearable it is to even exist.

I'm so torn by the potential and wonder my life has, but then realizing that it's useless because I'm bedridden and will be like this for the rest of my life.

I'm at the end of my rope and can't put up with it anymore. I have ctb plans and N, but can't get over how much it will hurt everyone. Every time my partner tells me how much they love me or my sister tells me how I'm the only thing keeping her alive, I feel such a deep guilt knowing that in a month I will devastate them.

But at the end of the day the only thing keeping me alive is them. I feel like I'm putting myself through misery and suffering just to save them. It doesn't feel worth it anymore, but I can't get over the guilt.

I very much relate to everything you said. All the wonder and potential of life, just out of your grasp. And having a loving family that you stick around and endure the pain for….I wish that there could be a solution for your pain, or at the very least that your loved ones will understand your desire to not suffer anymore.