Venting My life has failed

[shadow999]

I just need to vent quick. Feel like my life has failed. Everyday is a nightmare. I just wish I could go back in time and do things different. I think I have lost the ability to be happy. I am hoping to CTB soon with SN, just need the SN at this point. I have ordered some. This site has been a big help and I will continue to use it until I CTB. Why is life so cruel? God I just need to get through this next week or so until I get my stuff and then I can end it. Can hardly distract myself with videogames or music, I don't enjoy anything anymore. This feels like hell. Why did I have to get psychosis and depression? Life is so unfair. I don't see the beauty in anything anymore. I just want to sleep.

 

[ropearoundatree]

I hear you, @shadow999 …& yes, I wish things could be different too!

 

[FuneralCry]

It truly is so cruel, to me there really is so much cruelty in how there's all this suffering. But anyway best wishes, I also just want to sleep as well.

 

[maynoname]

I understand you. I have a hard time seeing beauty in everyday things, especially in the long term. For me there will always be too many negatives and unbearable things.
I hope you will receive your SN when you want it.

 

[KillingPain267]

My life has failed too. Almost everything I do is wrong and always criticized. Why even try? I don't like the way my life has turned out to be especially since last year when the love of my life left me due to all the wrong decisions I made. After that, I made even more bad decisions (got briefly addicted to drugs, but now still crave them to escape reality). The way my life is now is not something I anticipated and I cannot get adjusted to a future like this. So I want to end it and prevent a future for me. Instead of seeing it as suicide I see it as futuracide (killing of the future).

 

[pleroman]

So I want to end it and prevent a future for me. Instead of seeing it as suicide I see it as futuracide (killing of the future).

I see CTB as 'closing the book' instead of 'catching the bus'. I am hoping not to hitch a ride to another hell. I'm hoping to close the book and not bother finishing it because the story sucks and I don't care about a miracle twist ending, and the book is finite anyway.

 

[KillingPain267]

I see CTB as 'closing the book' instead of 'catching the bus'. I am hoping not to hitch a ride to another hell. I'm hoping to close the book and not bother finishing it because the story sucks and I don't care about a miracle twist ending, and the book is finite anyway.

Interesting. Yeah, my life is like reading a boring book or watching a movie that's too sad or grotesque to watch. So I want to turn off the TV and rather go to bed.

 

[shadow999]

I see CTB as 'closing the book' instead of 'catching the bus'. I am hoping not to hitch a ride to another hell. I'm hoping to close the book and not bother finishing it because the story sucks and I don't care about a miracle twist ending, and the book is finite anyway.

I can relate to the book metaphor. Professionals and family members keep telling me it will get better, but it could take a year or longer. I feel like they don't hear me when I try to tell them I'm suffering. I just want the suffering to end. At this point I don't care about the story of my life because it has become too bleak to bear. A miracle of things getting better just seems unlikely too. Why should I stick it out if I'm miserable? Really wish assisted suicide was an option but I have faith that SN will work.