Hello so this is my first post here and im a male. I wanted to briefly go over my life and why i feel that i might have to resort to death soon
So i was born into a medium vage family and money isnt the issue here (atleast as of today). When i was young i was a very social kid apperantly i started speaking very young and i was really curious and positive. In kindergarten i used to even do plays there and participate in various activitys. But as i said after i entered school i at the start found it a little difficult to make friends but eventually i did have some sort of a social circle. My personality was that i tried to appeal to as many people as possible as mutch as possible. And this continued up to like 5th-6th grade i had very high grades was generally accepted and didint have too many issues. But after puberty hit and people started to get romantic interests things started to change quite quickly...
So one thing that i didint mention previously is that im really unattractive. This isnt due to me being overweight or just have strong acne or something, im quite lean and i tried to take care of myself, its mostly due to my facial structure, that i cant really change even with facial surgerys, sadly. Now this is were maybe a lot of people start to disagree with me or think im stupid or something and im not pushing my views or opinions on nobody just sharing my experiences. So i think most of people agree appearance is one of main criteria to get into a relationship with somebody and without any exaduration im probably a 3/10 maximum. So after i myself started to develop romantic desires like being held and sharing my life with a girl i started you know trying to maybe talk with some girls or be friedly. But as our class matured girls and boys became more and more seperate so doing that became quite difficult. And yet i saw some boys and girls in relationships but i didnt pay tok mutch mind to it at the time i tried to improve myself study hard stay a top student and also excercise. But reality started to catch up to me in 8th grade.
So i got positive interactions from many i got conpliments for being funny nice and stuff but yet no girls seemed to like me at all romantically. NOW I DONT WANT TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE ITS THEIR FAULT THIS POST ISNT TO APPEAR MYSOGYNISTIC OR SUPERIOR THATS NOT MY INTENTION AT ALL. I started to wonder what am i doing wrong like am i not funny enough not nice enough not smart not and so on. I started to worry and my self image became to worsen i didint yet think mutch about my apperance bc i thought no way people would dislike me just because of that right? So in the middle of all of this a girl actually seemed to show interest in me actually even gave me a love letter wow right?! Well.. i made a huge mistake. I changed schools i didint act uppon that oppurtunity at all my parents told me to focus on my studys so i got into a good school and i didint get a chance to develop that plot. At the same time depression hit me hard i started skipping class and when i switched to the new school it got even worse. I wasnt the smart kid anymore i was a nobody. So eventually due to class skipping all my friendships deterioating and hardly any new friends i got into online schooling.
So after i started online schooling obviously i became even more isolated and depressed. I didint go out in months. Suicidal thoughts became a daily routine. Therapists didint help. I wanted to stay away from drugs. Looksmaxxing blew up and unfortunetely i started researching into the impirtance of my appearance to be accsepted by others. Slowly i started to realise and accept im very unattractive. Craveing for connection and love became painful i started to recall all the moments someone made fun of my appearance. Axiety worsened, self image shattered, depression retaxhed its peak. Any hopes of being treated equally shrank. I started eating little, not doing sports, crying a lot.
I tried to comnect online trough games but even tho im quite good at that i still hear how those friends live lifes enjoy eatchothers company and even have girlfriends. Im not particularly jelous just sad. Ofcourse i dont tell this to anyone except my therapist but like he cant change life. He cant reform my hideous skull.
Now im trying to find out is there a realistic way for me to ever get someone to love me even tho im really hideous. Maybe some other really unattractive girls who dont value appearance as mutch online exist. Do you know if this is a fantasy or is possible?
Anyways im still doing online school and still trugling with this. I heard people like me are called incels? Am i one if i want connection and cant seem to reatch it? I also see they are often very hateful and even violent. I dont support that at all whitch makes this even harder it seems if i want to find a community of people to caht with who share my steugles its also filled to the brim with down right diabolical individuals. Is there a solution to my situation. Any realistic way out of this? Im tired and im sad and im pathetic and lonely.
Didint mean for this to end so pesimistically and i hope i didint offend anyone. This post is way too long and unoptimized but i dont know how else to put it.
So i was born into a medium vage family and money isnt the issue here (atleast as of today). When i was young i was a very social kid apperantly i started speaking very young and i was really curious and positive. In kindergarten i used to even do plays there and participate in various activitys. But as i said after i entered school i at the start found it a little difficult to make friends but eventually i did have some sort of a social circle. My personality was that i tried to appeal to as many people as possible as mutch as possible. And this continued up to like 5th-6th grade i had very high grades was generally accepted and didint have too many issues. But after puberty hit and people started to get romantic interests things started to change quite quickly...
So one thing that i didint mention previously is that im really unattractive. This isnt due to me being overweight or just have strong acne or something, im quite lean and i tried to take care of myself, its mostly due to my facial structure, that i cant really change even with facial surgerys, sadly. Now this is were maybe a lot of people start to disagree with me or think im stupid or something and im not pushing my views or opinions on nobody just sharing my experiences. So i think most of people agree appearance is one of main criteria to get into a relationship with somebody and without any exaduration im probably a 3/10 maximum. So after i myself started to develop romantic desires like being held and sharing my life with a girl i started you know trying to maybe talk with some girls or be friedly. But as our class matured girls and boys became more and more seperate so doing that became quite difficult. And yet i saw some boys and girls in relationships but i didnt pay tok mutch mind to it at the time i tried to improve myself study hard stay a top student and also excercise. But reality started to catch up to me in 8th grade.
So i got positive interactions from many i got conpliments for being funny nice and stuff but yet no girls seemed to like me at all romantically. NOW I DONT WANT TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE ITS THEIR FAULT THIS POST ISNT TO APPEAR MYSOGYNISTIC OR SUPERIOR THATS NOT MY INTENTION AT ALL. I started to wonder what am i doing wrong like am i not funny enough not nice enough not smart not and so on. I started to worry and my self image became to worsen i didint yet think mutch about my apperance bc i thought no way people would dislike me just because of that right? So in the middle of all of this a girl actually seemed to show interest in me actually even gave me a love letter wow right?! Well.. i made a huge mistake. I changed schools i didint act uppon that oppurtunity at all my parents told me to focus on my studys so i got into a good school and i didint get a chance to develop that plot. At the same time depression hit me hard i started skipping class and when i switched to the new school it got even worse. I wasnt the smart kid anymore i was a nobody. So eventually due to class skipping all my friendships deterioating and hardly any new friends i got into online schooling.
So after i started online schooling obviously i became even more isolated and depressed. I didint go out in months. Suicidal thoughts became a daily routine. Therapists didint help. I wanted to stay away from drugs. Looksmaxxing blew up and unfortunetely i started researching into the impirtance of my appearance to be accsepted by others. Slowly i started to realise and accept im very unattractive. Craveing for connection and love became painful i started to recall all the moments someone made fun of my appearance. Axiety worsened, self image shattered, depression retaxhed its peak. Any hopes of being treated equally shrank. I started eating little, not doing sports, crying a lot.
I tried to comnect online trough games but even tho im quite good at that i still hear how those friends live lifes enjoy eatchothers company and even have girlfriends. Im not particularly jelous just sad. Ofcourse i dont tell this to anyone except my therapist but like he cant change life. He cant reform my hideous skull.
Now im trying to find out is there a realistic way for me to ever get someone to love me even tho im really hideous. Maybe some other really unattractive girls who dont value appearance as mutch online exist. Do you know if this is a fantasy or is possible?
Anyways im still doing online school and still trugling with this. I heard people like me are called incels? Am i one if i want connection and cant seem to reatch it? I also see they are often very hateful and even violent. I dont support that at all whitch makes this even harder it seems if i want to find a community of people to caht with who share my steugles its also filled to the brim with down right diabolical individuals. Is there a solution to my situation. Any realistic way out of this? Im tired and im sad and im pathetic and lonely.
Didint mean for this to end so pesimistically and i hope i didint offend anyone. This post is way too long and unoptimized but i dont know how else to put it.
